Dear E-mail Provider,
Today I spent a lovely 25 minutes on the phone saying "what" and "repeat that please" to your wonderful and competent employee in Mumbai, India. Apparently, anybody who is smart enough to escape the large-scale flooding and constant tidal waves in that country is smart enough to be on your tech-support team. I won't tell you his name (not because I care if he is fired, mind you, but rather because I didn't give a crap what his name was when he told me, and I sure as hell don't care now), but he did not know his ass from his elbow when it came to computers.
I have what would be considered a very minor issue with my email. I am unable to send emails to a group of more than 5 people. This problem surfaced yesterday and will probably last 3 or 4 days. The only reason I bothered calling you is because I'd prefer for it to be fixed immediately. I have had this problem in the past. What occurs is (and make sure you relay this message to the half-retards you have over in tech-support), when you send a certain number of group emails within a certain period of time (of which I did a lot), the email system will start to recognize your group emails as spam, even if this is not the case (which it is not).
Now, please understand, these emails I send are extremely important. They focus on the very fabric of American society, and contain important research that I am doing for the EDS Sports Bureau of North America. I was conducting a group survey among friends and family members regarding the American League East and the American League MVP. Your employee over in the Far-East (or wherever the hell India is), did not seem to comprehend the importance of these issues, and their constant need for debate and discussion. Surely, you will understand.
As I write this letter I just now received your "tech support follow-up" email. This email thanks me for contacting you, and says if I have further problems to go to live support. This is interesting, because my next point was going to be how your tech-support guy, who incidentally, is probably too stupid to serve slurpies in 7-11 (no racial pun intended there...ok fine, there was), never actually was able to fix this simple problem. Instead he asked all kinds of stupid and irrelevant questions about my computer and internet connection. Now, I know close to nothing about these kinds of problems, yet I was able to tell him exactly what the problem was and how it needs to be fixed. This Einstein ignored me and asked his protocol questions anyway. Well at least you know the Indians follow directions well. I have a feeling if this job had not been outsourced, my problem would already be fixed.
Needless to say I am not pleased with this so-called "customer service" and am quite upset about the fact that your Indian friend told me it will probably take 24-48 hours to get a "real tech-support technician" (I swear that's what he called it) to look at my problem. Why can't I reach one of these people now? Oh and just a tip, if you are going to outsource this work to make it cheaper for you... in order to avoid pissing off customers (like myself) because your customer service people are dumber than Paris Hilton around video cameras, outsource to China. At least those people are 1. smart, 2. are used to working ridiculous hours for little or no pay, 3. are little (so you can pay them half the salary of an Indian, because they are half the size), and 4. even though I may not understand any of the "words coming out their moufs", at least I can take solace in the fact that if they do not fix my problem, a Chinese government representative will probably beat the ever-loving crap out them and their families. At least then I know someone cares about my problem. Oh and 5. Their names are a lot shorter than Indian names.
Thank you for your time,
EDS
I have what would be considered a very minor issue with my email. I am unable to send emails to a group of more than 5 people. This problem surfaced yesterday and will probably last 3 or 4 days. The only reason I bothered calling you is because I'd prefer for it to be fixed immediately. I have had this problem in the past. What occurs is (and make sure you relay this message to the half-retards you have over in tech-support), when you send a certain number of group emails within a certain period of time (of which I did a lot), the email system will start to recognize your group emails as spam, even if this is not the case (which it is not).
Now, please understand, these emails I send are extremely important. They focus on the very fabric of American society, and contain important research that I am doing for the EDS Sports Bureau of North America. I was conducting a group survey among friends and family members regarding the American League East and the American League MVP. Your employee over in the Far-East (or wherever the hell India is), did not seem to comprehend the importance of these issues, and their constant need for debate and discussion. Surely, you will understand.
As I write this letter I just now received your "tech support follow-up" email. This email thanks me for contacting you, and says if I have further problems to go to live support. This is interesting, because my next point was going to be how your tech-support guy, who incidentally, is probably too stupid to serve slurpies in 7-11 (no racial pun intended there...ok fine, there was), never actually was able to fix this simple problem. Instead he asked all kinds of stupid and irrelevant questions about my computer and internet connection. Now, I know close to nothing about these kinds of problems, yet I was able to tell him exactly what the problem was and how it needs to be fixed. This Einstein ignored me and asked his protocol questions anyway. Well at least you know the Indians follow directions well. I have a feeling if this job had not been outsourced, my problem would already be fixed.
Needless to say I am not pleased with this so-called "customer service" and am quite upset about the fact that your Indian friend told me it will probably take 24-48 hours to get a "real tech-support technician" (I swear that's what he called it) to look at my problem. Why can't I reach one of these people now? Oh and just a tip, if you are going to outsource this work to make it cheaper for you... in order to avoid pissing off customers (like myself) because your customer service people are dumber than Paris Hilton around video cameras, outsource to China. At least those people are 1. smart, 2. are used to working ridiculous hours for little or no pay, 3. are little (so you can pay them half the salary of an Indian, because they are half the size), and 4. even though I may not understand any of the "words coming out their moufs", at least I can take solace in the fact that if they do not fix my problem, a Chinese government representative will probably beat the ever-loving crap out them and their families. At least then I know someone cares about my problem. Oh and 5. Their names are a lot shorter than Indian names.
Thank you for your time,
EDS
posted by EDS | 4:38 PM
1 Comments:
Guess What!?! I am in the process of tracking your home address. When I find it, I'm going to come to your house with a baseball bat and beat the crap out of your wife and kids. Then I'm going to drag your sorry ass outside and burn down your house, blow up your car and force you to act inappropriately with your boss's underage daughter and then I will send him the pictures. How's that punk?
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