Hallmark
Here is a company that represents all that is wrong with society. This company needs to be destroyed immediately. It fosters and promotes impersonal relationships. It is worse than e-mail.
It is someone’s birthday that you feel compelled to pretend to care about. You need to find some other way besides picking up a phone and calling this person to wish them well on this day of drawing nearer to death. So you decide to write a letter wishing them happy birthday and to tell them how much they mean to you. Or perhaps, you are a guy and it is a guy friend’s birthday, and you are obviously enough to the gay side of the scale where you once again feel necessary to commemorate this momentous occasion with a joke or roast of some kind that you will put in writing and send via snail mail to this ‘friend’.
However, there is no way in hell that you are going to sit down for 5, 10 or even 15 minutes to be creative and write this letter on your own. So instead you drive 2 miles to your nearest Hallmark. If you’re a woman, you spend $1.50 in quarters parking your car to pay for the hour and a half you will waste picking out the “perfect” card for your friend. If you are a guy, you will spend 25 cents on parking for the 42 seconds it will take you to pick out the first card you see that doesn’t have any flowers or gay guys in construction uniforms on the front, and $6.25 to pick up pizza next store to Hallmark. Then you simply read the card (if you are a woman; if you are a man you skip this step), then sign your name to it and send it. This is an acceptable method of commemorating an important event in someone’s life - A piece of decorative cardboard with a message that you could not and did not come up with on your own, like – “Hey man, Happy Birthday, To celebrate how about we go play golf, get drunk with strippers and go home and beat the snot out of your wife for an hour?” Or “Girl, you know you are getting old when you try to blow out the candles and you fart because you’ve lost control of your bodily functions.” Come to think of it those are actually pretty good ideas, but you would never find them in a Hallmark.
How hard could it possibly be to sit down and write out a quick personal note to someone? This is a ridiculous practice. You are basically admitting two things:
1. I do not care about you as much as I pretend to by sending you this card that I bought for $1.35 USA, $1.55 Canada.
2. I am too stupid to come up with anything creative and/or meaningful on my own and therefore must put my signature on someone else’s words.
I cannot stand this socially accepted practice. It irks me to no end. More than half the time when I receive a card from someone it simply says, “Happy Birthday” or “Happy Anniversary” or “Congrats!” Please people. What did you do? You went to Hallmark, looked at a card that says “Happy Birthday” on it, and thought to yourself, “well, when they put it like that it sounds so thoughtful.” “Rather than call and say Happy Birthday, or write a note saying the same, I will pay money and give away my soul to Hallmark in order to satisfy society’s need to know that I sent a card.” DON’T SEND A CARD! I don’t want your friggin card! They are a pain in the ass to open, and more often than not they do not have money inside (though I frantically check each one).
Instead of sending me a card, from now on please send me an envelope with whatever amount of money you planned to spend on a card. This way I can at least buy a soda or use the change to pay for parking next time I need to go buy someone a birthday card.
In conclusion, I assert that Hallmark should be disbanded and destroyed and replaced by a company called “EDS’ Cards and Other Crap for Retards to Spend Money on In Order To Avoid Too Much Personal Contact with the Person They Are Pretending to Care About”. At least this way someone I care about will be getting rich off of society’s obsession with stupidity and acceptance.
It is someone’s birthday that you feel compelled to pretend to care about. You need to find some other way besides picking up a phone and calling this person to wish them well on this day of drawing nearer to death. So you decide to write a letter wishing them happy birthday and to tell them how much they mean to you. Or perhaps, you are a guy and it is a guy friend’s birthday, and you are obviously enough to the gay side of the scale where you once again feel necessary to commemorate this momentous occasion with a joke or roast of some kind that you will put in writing and send via snail mail to this ‘friend’.
However, there is no way in hell that you are going to sit down for 5, 10 or even 15 minutes to be creative and write this letter on your own. So instead you drive 2 miles to your nearest Hallmark. If you’re a woman, you spend $1.50 in quarters parking your car to pay for the hour and a half you will waste picking out the “perfect” card for your friend. If you are a guy, you will spend 25 cents on parking for the 42 seconds it will take you to pick out the first card you see that doesn’t have any flowers or gay guys in construction uniforms on the front, and $6.25 to pick up pizza next store to Hallmark. Then you simply read the card (if you are a woman; if you are a man you skip this step), then sign your name to it and send it. This is an acceptable method of commemorating an important event in someone’s life - A piece of decorative cardboard with a message that you could not and did not come up with on your own, like – “Hey man, Happy Birthday, To celebrate how about we go play golf, get drunk with strippers and go home and beat the snot out of your wife for an hour?” Or “Girl, you know you are getting old when you try to blow out the candles and you fart because you’ve lost control of your bodily functions.” Come to think of it those are actually pretty good ideas, but you would never find them in a Hallmark.
How hard could it possibly be to sit down and write out a quick personal note to someone? This is a ridiculous practice. You are basically admitting two things:
1. I do not care about you as much as I pretend to by sending you this card that I bought for $1.35 USA, $1.55 Canada.
2. I am too stupid to come up with anything creative and/or meaningful on my own and therefore must put my signature on someone else’s words.
I cannot stand this socially accepted practice. It irks me to no end. More than half the time when I receive a card from someone it simply says, “Happy Birthday” or “Happy Anniversary” or “Congrats!” Please people. What did you do? You went to Hallmark, looked at a card that says “Happy Birthday” on it, and thought to yourself, “well, when they put it like that it sounds so thoughtful.” “Rather than call and say Happy Birthday, or write a note saying the same, I will pay money and give away my soul to Hallmark in order to satisfy society’s need to know that I sent a card.” DON’T SEND A CARD! I don’t want your friggin card! They are a pain in the ass to open, and more often than not they do not have money inside (though I frantically check each one).
Instead of sending me a card, from now on please send me an envelope with whatever amount of money you planned to spend on a card. This way I can at least buy a soda or use the change to pay for parking next time I need to go buy someone a birthday card.
In conclusion, I assert that Hallmark should be disbanded and destroyed and replaced by a company called “EDS’ Cards and Other Crap for Retards to Spend Money on In Order To Avoid Too Much Personal Contact with the Person They Are Pretending to Care About”. At least this way someone I care about will be getting rich off of society’s obsession with stupidity and acceptance.
posted by EDS | 11:24 AM
1 Comments:
My sentiments exactly.
Excellent post.
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