No Food For You!

Irony can be a wildly intriguing and fascinating phenomenon. I don’t usually like to make fun of people in horrible situations – well ok, that’s a lie. Sometimes the entertainment value + the “suffering family’s” retardation value outweigh the value of respect for the victim.

This is clearly the case in the widely publicized Terri Schiavo case. Here is a women who decided she was fat. Not like every other woman who thinks they are fat though. She would lose weight and still think she was fat. Still, I know you women out there are saying – “so what’s the big deal? We all think we are fat.” This is true – and in fact, many of you are correct. But poor Terri got so sick of her “obesity” that she would force herself to throw up after she ate in order to lose more weight. I know, I know – sounds quite disturbing. In fact, this is more popular than you may think. All the stars are doing it these days. Purging is a terrific way to enjoy your meals and keep off weight at the same time.

However, like everything else, purging must be done in moderation. Look at Sharon Osbourne, for example. This is Ozzy’s wife. She has admitted to purging, and though she is getting quite old, still looks amazing for a woman of her age. Thanks to the art of blowing chunks after eating, she has been able to retain a semblance of her youth. This is because she does not puke after every meal, rather she chooses the times carefully. She’s gotten so professional, she does not even need to stick a finger down her throat anymore, she simply vomits on command. This is talent. Where she has excelled in self control and moderation, Terri Schiavo screwed the pooch. She got cocky. She took advantage of a good thing and it bit her in the ass. Well actually it just gave her a heart attack.

Terri’s “nutrition problem” as her family calls it, “Bulimia” as the doctors call it, “eating disorder” as TV shows call it, “F***’d up method of losing weight” as most people call it, caused her body to react in a bad way, and she suffered a heart attack which left her in a “persistent vegetative state” as her family calls it, “on a feeding tube” as the doctors call it, “as an invalid” as TV shows call it, and “a vegetable” as most people call it. Which reminds me of a joke –

What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The Wheelchair.

Man, I love that one. Anyway, poor Terri had a heart attack, which cut off circulation to her brain leaving her in this condition for years. Her husband, by law, is her next of kin. Further, he also claims Terri's wish was not to be on any form of life support or feeding tube. Whatever. He wished to have her feeding tube removed so that he can “move on with the grieving process” as he calls it, “move on with life” as the TV shows call it, “murder Terri and defy G-d” as Terri’s family and Republicans call it, “collect malpractice and insurance rewards” as most people call it. No matter what you call it, and no matter what you believe, this is in fact, by law, his decision. When Terri married him, she put her life into his hands, and he did the same with her. Just because her family is a bunch of conservative, kool-aid drinking maniacs doesn’t change this fact. Though they have tried their damn best to do so.

The family has moved in court numerous times to have the feeding tube replaced, which it was until the decision a few days ago that the husband’s decision is in fact final. Then of course, Congress decided to get involved. They decided that they have not looked enough like asses with the steroid investigation in baseball, no, no, no – they need to now impinge on the husband’s rights, the state’s authority and a court’s decision to promote their conservative view point. This is “politically motivated” as the husband would say, “Congress interfering with state power” as the TV shows say, “justice” as Terri’s wacked out family says, and “complete and utter Bull Sh**” as most people would say.

Anyway, back to how we started – the irony. Here is a woman who spent a good part of her life trying to lose weight. In fact, her obsession with weight loss drove her to Bulimia, and ultimately and nice long stay at a medical institution with tubes providing her proper nutrition. Wait, that’s not the irony. Here is the irony. This same woman who tried so desperately to lose weight, but could not keep a damned piece of food out of her mouth will spend the next week and a half rapidly losing weight as she starves to death. And the bright side? She doesn’t even have to make herself throw up.

For your viewing pleasure, here is a chart provided by MSBC.com to show you exactly how Terri will die. Wonderful, aint it?

My advice to you - keep watching the news. This story will only get more entertaining after she is finally dead. Her family and the husband have reality TV written all over them. I have a feeling they will make the nutty rednecks on Jerry Springer's show look prude and innocent when they argue.