JP’s Random Thoughts
Big Fight on Saturday Night, Bar Courses, March Madness, Drinking on a Monday, and more random thoughts by JP
What do you do when you can’t think of one coherent topic long enough? Well in the age of ADD, you just write a small amount of stuff on random things!
Bar Courses
I too must pay this extortion to take my bar review class. For some reason, mine is less, I only have to pay 2177 instead of 2477. I guess I got the Christian discount. This coincidentally is more than I paid for High School, College and Law School combined. For 2 months of smelling EDS from 9-1, then watching a bunch of flaky losers freak out every day, I have to pay 2 grand. Somehow I think I should be getting paid to take a bar course. Here is why, I will provide at least four hours of entertainment for the people in my class with me. I will barely show up, and when I do, I won’t be paying attention. I will personally see to it that more people freak out and buy more books, thus raising revenue for these companies. How will I do that? By telling these super nervous bobble-heads that the Bar Exam is so tough that I went out and bought a ton of supplements. By pretending I have the inside edge with a private tutor. Basically, making them feel like their life is worthless, but the solution is additional supplements and tutoring. That is what advertising is all about.
Monday Night Drinking
Drinking on a Monday is much like sex with a diseased prostitute, it seems great when you do it, but the next day you are in a world of pain. After 5 screwdrivers to either fall asleep or go back to sleep, I thought I would wake up refreshed and ready to conquer the world. Instead I woke up with a really bad f***ing headache. Word to the wise, no matter how much your roommates say you’ll be fine in the morning, you won’t be. Especially when you got work the next day. Right now if someone offered me a cup of orange juice, I’d throw it at them. No wait, I’d throw it at their mother and kick the guy in the nuts. The only solution to a hangover is simple, lots of sleep, a greasy meal, and a day of doing nothing. I deserve a Nobel science prize for inventing the hangover cure. I am my own lab rat on this one too. Lemme give you a case in point on how well this works. 2 weeks ago, I go out for a night of bar hopping. I had about 12 beers, 3 screwdrivers, and 3-4 assorted shots. I don’t get home till about 4:30am. I pass out watching some gay-ass movie. I had to be at school by 10am. So I had virtually no sleep. At this point, you have to tailor your greasy meal accordingly. I had to up the intake here, so I had 2 breakfast sandwiches instead of one. Plus a donut or two. And coffee. And water. Now, this morning, I slept 9 hours, so my greasy meal will be less. Maybe just pancakes and bacon.
March Madness
I hate college sports. The idea these idiots have to play for free for some college I have no affiliation to, does not appeal to me. However, for one month of the year, I become a big college basketball fan. I stopped doing pools, because I have never finished any better than last. But I have a perennial favorite, Duke. Unless SJU is in it (hahaha, them being good enough to field a team in the NCAA tourney every again), Duke is my default team to win. But my favorite games to watch are the 15’s versus the 2 seeds. Those are usually the best first round games. I don’t know much about this Illinois team, however on ESPN this weekend, they kept acting like the coach’s mom dying was the equivalent of the prez being shot. I don’t wish ill will on anyone, but I hope they don’t win, just because I don’t want a teary shot of this guy after the game. Instead I want Coach K with his hands on 2 ghetto b*tches as my pan out shot.
Women
As Norm Peterson said, “Women, can’t live with them, pass the beernuts.” Some of my friends have gotten on my case because it has been about 3 months since I broke up with my ex, and I have not shown the slightest interest in meeting a new one. First here is my theory on exes, which I have now proven definitely. Getting back with an Ex is like having a spoiled container of milk. You drink it, you gag, you say, this is no good. But instead of throwing it out, you put it back in the fridge. About a month or so later, you open the fridge, and take a sip of the spoiled milk, expecting it to be better again. All I will say is, it gets much much worse. I would like to say I don’t have time for women, but that’s not true. I just don’t feel like devoting the brain power to it. Women are like a defective computer. You go to write “what a beautiful day to go to the beach,” and instead of writing that it says, “I would like to go to the beach to show my girl how fat she really is.” You go to write, “Happy Birthday, I was going to buy you roses but the florist was out, here are some nice tulips.” The computer interprets that as, “I forgot your birthday.” I just can’t take women. They are like an oppressed class of people, that when you give them an inch, they take a mile. So now I would rather entertain myself with the high quality internet movies I have, and be asexual to the world. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy staring at a set of melons more than the next guy; I am just not going to do anything about it for a while.
Big Fight on Saturday
If you are a boxing fan, a sports fan, hell, if you have a set of working testicles between your legs, you have to see Erik “El Terrible” Morales fight Manny Pacquiao. This is going to be a blood and guts war. Mexico versus the Phillipines. These guys are sluggers, brawlers, and most of all could care less how they look when the fight is over. I have been creaming in my pants since the fight was announced (now you see where the misguided thoughts on women are leading me?). Quite simply, if you are not a boxing fan, you will be after this fight. Yeah it does cost a couple of beans on PPV, but it’ll be the best money you’ve spent in a while. Because while these two are going to be beating the jesus out of each other, you will also be left exhausted and breathless after this war. Order now!
Alright I gotta go pay this offensive fee to spend my mornings in summer school.
What do you do when you can’t think of one coherent topic long enough? Well in the age of ADD, you just write a small amount of stuff on random things!
Bar Courses
I too must pay this extortion to take my bar review class. For some reason, mine is less, I only have to pay 2177 instead of 2477. I guess I got the Christian discount. This coincidentally is more than I paid for High School, College and Law School combined. For 2 months of smelling EDS from 9-1, then watching a bunch of flaky losers freak out every day, I have to pay 2 grand. Somehow I think I should be getting paid to take a bar course. Here is why, I will provide at least four hours of entertainment for the people in my class with me. I will barely show up, and when I do, I won’t be paying attention. I will personally see to it that more people freak out and buy more books, thus raising revenue for these companies. How will I do that? By telling these super nervous bobble-heads that the Bar Exam is so tough that I went out and bought a ton of supplements. By pretending I have the inside edge with a private tutor. Basically, making them feel like their life is worthless, but the solution is additional supplements and tutoring. That is what advertising is all about.
Monday Night Drinking
Drinking on a Monday is much like sex with a diseased prostitute, it seems great when you do it, but the next day you are in a world of pain. After 5 screwdrivers to either fall asleep or go back to sleep, I thought I would wake up refreshed and ready to conquer the world. Instead I woke up with a really bad f***ing headache. Word to the wise, no matter how much your roommates say you’ll be fine in the morning, you won’t be. Especially when you got work the next day. Right now if someone offered me a cup of orange juice, I’d throw it at them. No wait, I’d throw it at their mother and kick the guy in the nuts. The only solution to a hangover is simple, lots of sleep, a greasy meal, and a day of doing nothing. I deserve a Nobel science prize for inventing the hangover cure. I am my own lab rat on this one too. Lemme give you a case in point on how well this works. 2 weeks ago, I go out for a night of bar hopping. I had about 12 beers, 3 screwdrivers, and 3-4 assorted shots. I don’t get home till about 4:30am. I pass out watching some gay-ass movie. I had to be at school by 10am. So I had virtually no sleep. At this point, you have to tailor your greasy meal accordingly. I had to up the intake here, so I had 2 breakfast sandwiches instead of one. Plus a donut or two. And coffee. And water. Now, this morning, I slept 9 hours, so my greasy meal will be less. Maybe just pancakes and bacon.
March Madness
I hate college sports. The idea these idiots have to play for free for some college I have no affiliation to, does not appeal to me. However, for one month of the year, I become a big college basketball fan. I stopped doing pools, because I have never finished any better than last. But I have a perennial favorite, Duke. Unless SJU is in it (hahaha, them being good enough to field a team in the NCAA tourney every again), Duke is my default team to win. But my favorite games to watch are the 15’s versus the 2 seeds. Those are usually the best first round games. I don’t know much about this Illinois team, however on ESPN this weekend, they kept acting like the coach’s mom dying was the equivalent of the prez being shot. I don’t wish ill will on anyone, but I hope they don’t win, just because I don’t want a teary shot of this guy after the game. Instead I want Coach K with his hands on 2 ghetto b*tches as my pan out shot.
Women
As Norm Peterson said, “Women, can’t live with them, pass the beernuts.” Some of my friends have gotten on my case because it has been about 3 months since I broke up with my ex, and I have not shown the slightest interest in meeting a new one. First here is my theory on exes, which I have now proven definitely. Getting back with an Ex is like having a spoiled container of milk. You drink it, you gag, you say, this is no good. But instead of throwing it out, you put it back in the fridge. About a month or so later, you open the fridge, and take a sip of the spoiled milk, expecting it to be better again. All I will say is, it gets much much worse. I would like to say I don’t have time for women, but that’s not true. I just don’t feel like devoting the brain power to it. Women are like a defective computer. You go to write “what a beautiful day to go to the beach,” and instead of writing that it says, “I would like to go to the beach to show my girl how fat she really is.” You go to write, “Happy Birthday, I was going to buy you roses but the florist was out, here are some nice tulips.” The computer interprets that as, “I forgot your birthday.” I just can’t take women. They are like an oppressed class of people, that when you give them an inch, they take a mile. So now I would rather entertain myself with the high quality internet movies I have, and be asexual to the world. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy staring at a set of melons more than the next guy; I am just not going to do anything about it for a while.
Big Fight on Saturday
If you are a boxing fan, a sports fan, hell, if you have a set of working testicles between your legs, you have to see Erik “El Terrible” Morales fight Manny Pacquiao. This is going to be a blood and guts war. Mexico versus the Phillipines. These guys are sluggers, brawlers, and most of all could care less how they look when the fight is over. I have been creaming in my pants since the fight was announced (now you see where the misguided thoughts on women are leading me?). Quite simply, if you are not a boxing fan, you will be after this fight. Yeah it does cost a couple of beans on PPV, but it’ll be the best money you’ve spent in a while. Because while these two are going to be beating the jesus out of each other, you will also be left exhausted and breathless after this war. Order now!
Alright I gotta go pay this offensive fee to spend my mornings in summer school.
posted by EDS | 4:11 PM
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