"Happy Birthday To Me"
Contributed by General R. Blie...
I have a number of problems with birthdays and how they are celebrated in the entire civilized world. Birthday cards are only the tip of the iceberg. First, the entire concept of the birthday is pretty unimpressive. As some comedian once pointed out (and if someone can help me remember where I heard it, I would be very appreciative) – What are we actually celebrating? You just got through another year without dying. Do we accomplish so little that, in an average year, the best thing we can celebrate is that we are still breathing? – Obviously, this was meant as a joke, but it makes a very good point. Birthdays are just a stupid thing to celebrate.
As my wife too often reminds me, it is customary to call people on their birthday. I never understood this concept. First, I do not like calling people unless I have a good reason. In general, I am against the call “just to say hi.” The concept is simple: Before you call me realize – if the thing I wanted to be doing most at that moment was talking to you, then I would have called you, not the other way around. By the same logic, if you call me, you are disturbing me from doing something I chose to do rather than talking to you. So if you interrupt me, at least have a better reason than “I just called to say hello.”
Obviously, this applies to any day of the year, but even more so on a birthday. Not only is your call bothering me on my birthday, but it looks phony as well. If you sincerely wanted to call to say hello, you wouldn’t have waited until my birthday. The only reason you are calling on my birthday is because you feel guilty or are trying to look like you are a better person than you actually are. If you haven’t spoken to me in a year, calling on my birthday will not seem like a genuine act of friendship. At least a true friend would know that I would rather spend my birthday watching TV or playing ball than making small talk on the phone.
Also, the birthday conversations are always so lame. They usually go something like this:
Annoying Semi-Sincere (ASS) Friend: “Hello, Is General Blie there?”
Me: “Speaking”
ASS: “Happy Birthday. It’s so great to speak to you. It’s been a while.
Me: “I think it’s been about a year.”
ASS: “So what’s new?”
Me: “Nothing much, and you?”
ASS: “Same. How’s law school?”
Me: “This year is pretty much the same as last year.”
ASS: “That sounds so exciting. What classes are you taking?”
Me: “Law”
ASS: “Anything else new this year?”
Me: “Nope. Another year without dying, that’s about it.”
ASS: “Well, Congratulations and Happy Birthday.”
Me: “Thanks.”
ASS: “Tell your wife I said hello?”
Me: “Will do. Um, who is this?”
ASS: “Good one. Very funny. That’s a joke, right?”
Me: “Umm, of course it’s a joke. I’ll tell my wife you called. I gotta go, but send my regards to, umm, everyone. Thanks for calling.”
ASS: “Bye, General Blie”
Me: Click
This is fairly typical of the birthday calls I receive from any person who is not my mother. All these calls are pretty much a waste of my time, so I would appreciate not spending my birthday practicing to be a Time-Life operator.
I would propose a much better system for birthday calls. Instead, of calling people on their birthdays, we should do the opposite. On their own birthdays, people should call whomever they consider friends. This would solve a number of problems. First, it would eliminate the need to remember anyone else’s birthday. Now, the only date you have to remember is your own birthday (which, most of us don’t forget anyway). Second, since you are the one making the calls, this ensures that you are only speaking to actual friends. Third, if you have better things to do, you don’t have to spend your birthday on the phone. Let’s say that you have a big project due the day after your birthday and don’t have time to make your birthday calls. Make the calls the following week. Can a person really get upset if you forgot to give him a call on your own birthday? No more of those lame “Happy Belated Birthday” calls. Fourth, this would eliminate all the useless annoying “just called to say happy birthday” calls. For example, you would look like a jerk if the entire conversation went “Hey, I just called to tell you it’s my birthday.” Instead, this forces you to think of a worthwhile reason for a call, during which you can add “Oh, by the way, it’s also my birthday today,” which makes it sound somewhat less egotistical. Finally, we all know that there will be people like EDS who decide to call the entire phonebook on their own birthdays. There is really nothing you can do to avoid this. Some people will always exploit the system. But, it’s their birthday; you can humor them and have a short conversation. Consider it a birthday gift for these pathetic people. Hey, it’s cheaper than a card.
I think I will begin implementing this system for my own birthday. If anyone doesn’t get a call from me on my birthday – take a hint and don’t call me on yours.
Finally, Happy Birthday, MC Hammer (that’s right, March 30, 1962) – I will be waiting eagerly by the phone for your call.
--General R. Blie
I have a number of problems with birthdays and how they are celebrated in the entire civilized world. Birthday cards are only the tip of the iceberg. First, the entire concept of the birthday is pretty unimpressive. As some comedian once pointed out (and if someone can help me remember where I heard it, I would be very appreciative) – What are we actually celebrating? You just got through another year without dying. Do we accomplish so little that, in an average year, the best thing we can celebrate is that we are still breathing? – Obviously, this was meant as a joke, but it makes a very good point. Birthdays are just a stupid thing to celebrate.
As my wife too often reminds me, it is customary to call people on their birthday. I never understood this concept. First, I do not like calling people unless I have a good reason. In general, I am against the call “just to say hi.” The concept is simple: Before you call me realize – if the thing I wanted to be doing most at that moment was talking to you, then I would have called you, not the other way around. By the same logic, if you call me, you are disturbing me from doing something I chose to do rather than talking to you. So if you interrupt me, at least have a better reason than “I just called to say hello.”
Obviously, this applies to any day of the year, but even more so on a birthday. Not only is your call bothering me on my birthday, but it looks phony as well. If you sincerely wanted to call to say hello, you wouldn’t have waited until my birthday. The only reason you are calling on my birthday is because you feel guilty or are trying to look like you are a better person than you actually are. If you haven’t spoken to me in a year, calling on my birthday will not seem like a genuine act of friendship. At least a true friend would know that I would rather spend my birthday watching TV or playing ball than making small talk on the phone.
Also, the birthday conversations are always so lame. They usually go something like this:
Annoying Semi-Sincere (ASS) Friend: “Hello, Is General Blie there?”
Me: “Speaking”
ASS: “Happy Birthday. It’s so great to speak to you. It’s been a while.
Me: “I think it’s been about a year.”
ASS: “So what’s new?”
Me: “Nothing much, and you?”
ASS: “Same. How’s law school?”
Me: “This year is pretty much the same as last year.”
ASS: “That sounds so exciting. What classes are you taking?”
Me: “Law”
ASS: “Anything else new this year?”
Me: “Nope. Another year without dying, that’s about it.”
ASS: “Well, Congratulations and Happy Birthday.”
Me: “Thanks.”
ASS: “Tell your wife I said hello?”
Me: “Will do. Um, who is this?”
ASS: “Good one. Very funny. That’s a joke, right?”
Me: “Umm, of course it’s a joke. I’ll tell my wife you called. I gotta go, but send my regards to, umm, everyone. Thanks for calling.”
ASS: “Bye, General Blie”
Me: Click
This is fairly typical of the birthday calls I receive from any person who is not my mother. All these calls are pretty much a waste of my time, so I would appreciate not spending my birthday practicing to be a Time-Life operator.
I would propose a much better system for birthday calls. Instead, of calling people on their birthdays, we should do the opposite. On their own birthdays, people should call whomever they consider friends. This would solve a number of problems. First, it would eliminate the need to remember anyone else’s birthday. Now, the only date you have to remember is your own birthday (which, most of us don’t forget anyway). Second, since you are the one making the calls, this ensures that you are only speaking to actual friends. Third, if you have better things to do, you don’t have to spend your birthday on the phone. Let’s say that you have a big project due the day after your birthday and don’t have time to make your birthday calls. Make the calls the following week. Can a person really get upset if you forgot to give him a call on your own birthday? No more of those lame “Happy Belated Birthday” calls. Fourth, this would eliminate all the useless annoying “just called to say happy birthday” calls. For example, you would look like a jerk if the entire conversation went “Hey, I just called to tell you it’s my birthday.” Instead, this forces you to think of a worthwhile reason for a call, during which you can add “Oh, by the way, it’s also my birthday today,” which makes it sound somewhat less egotistical. Finally, we all know that there will be people like EDS who decide to call the entire phonebook on their own birthdays. There is really nothing you can do to avoid this. Some people will always exploit the system. But, it’s their birthday; you can humor them and have a short conversation. Consider it a birthday gift for these pathetic people. Hey, it’s cheaper than a card.
I think I will begin implementing this system for my own birthday. If anyone doesn’t get a call from me on my birthday – take a hint and don’t call me on yours.
Finally, Happy Birthday, MC Hammer (that’s right, March 30, 1962) – I will be waiting eagerly by the phone for your call.
--General R. Blie
posted by EDS | 8:28 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home