Lay Off the Horn...
Another stroke of brilliance from JP...
After reading EDS's post, it got me thinking. I hate drivers. I hate everyone on the road. I don’t just hate women drivers, or elderly drivers, or stupid teenagers who blast their gangster rap while smoking a cigarette with their backwards red Yankees hats on, or stupid female drivers who drive their Chevy Cavaliers with 4 girls in the car, all on their cell phones and listening to the latest offering of some really cute boy band. No, I hate everyone. No matter what shape, size, color, age, gender you are, no matter how meek you are at work, home or school, behind the wheel of a car, everyone turns into a tough guy. And why? That stupid invention called the car horn. You know what I am talking about, you are at a red light, and it turns green, and some blue haired senior citizen with no teeth and a bad botox treatment honks the horn for 5 seconds, startling you and makes you spill your coffee all over yourself. Or you are double parked for a minute so your wife can run inside a store to get milk for your thirsty children, this is the putz who comes out of the store, and instead of just tapping your window to ask you to move up so they can get out of their spot, they go in their car, start it, then start honking away.
It wouldn’t bother me so much if people actually had different horn sounds. Look, everyone these days have personalized cell phone rings, why don’t we all just bite the bullet and make cars come with personalized horns. Paulie Walnuts on the Sopranos has the Godfather theme play when he honks. Some people (very few) have La Cucharacha as a horn. Personally, if I could get a customized horn, mine would play something upbeat and thought provoking. It would have to be better than Mozart, or better than the music played when Moses brought down the Ten Commandments in that movie about Moses. My horn sound would be the theme song from Super Mario Bros. Come on, you know what I am talking about. What person in their right mind wouldn’t here that, get a smile on their face, and move along.
I shouldn’t speculate on using my horn, because I never do. I have been in a lot of near accidents, a lot of bad traffic, yet I never use my horn. I’d rather just curse the person out instead. Oh wait, I just remembered the thing I hate most about car horns. Ever been sleeping at say 1am or maybe even 6am? And there you are, dreaming of a nice big stack of pancakes and bacon, being served by a lovely Hawaiian tropic model, when you hear ERGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH. And you are woken up! Then it’s the sound again! And again! Is America about to be bombed? Has there been a nuclear spill and everyone has to evacuate? No, of course not, some idiot is picking up a friend, and rather than get out of the car and ring the bell, the schmuck hits his horn, with no consideration for my sleep, my sanity or my serenity. In the end, car horns suck. I could’ve just wrote that sentence, but as I started writing this, some idiot outside blasted his horn. Why you may ask? Well, apparently, a mother was putting her son in a car seat, and he wanted her spot. Where has the humanity gone? So I propose the next time you are cut off, or someone is driving slow, or even your stuck at a light behind a teenage girl who can’t figure out how to put her car into drive, don’t reach for the horn. Instead, put all five fingers up in the air, out the window, wave at them….make a fist, then extend your middle finger. You’ll feel better, they will be 10x more upset, and most of all, you will preserve everyone’s ear drums.
After reading EDS's post, it got me thinking. I hate drivers. I hate everyone on the road. I don’t just hate women drivers, or elderly drivers, or stupid teenagers who blast their gangster rap while smoking a cigarette with their backwards red Yankees hats on, or stupid female drivers who drive their Chevy Cavaliers with 4 girls in the car, all on their cell phones and listening to the latest offering of some really cute boy band. No, I hate everyone. No matter what shape, size, color, age, gender you are, no matter how meek you are at work, home or school, behind the wheel of a car, everyone turns into a tough guy. And why? That stupid invention called the car horn. You know what I am talking about, you are at a red light, and it turns green, and some blue haired senior citizen with no teeth and a bad botox treatment honks the horn for 5 seconds, startling you and makes you spill your coffee all over yourself. Or you are double parked for a minute so your wife can run inside a store to get milk for your thirsty children, this is the putz who comes out of the store, and instead of just tapping your window to ask you to move up so they can get out of their spot, they go in their car, start it, then start honking away.
It wouldn’t bother me so much if people actually had different horn sounds. Look, everyone these days have personalized cell phone rings, why don’t we all just bite the bullet and make cars come with personalized horns. Paulie Walnuts on the Sopranos has the Godfather theme play when he honks. Some people (very few) have La Cucharacha as a horn. Personally, if I could get a customized horn, mine would play something upbeat and thought provoking. It would have to be better than Mozart, or better than the music played when Moses brought down the Ten Commandments in that movie about Moses. My horn sound would be the theme song from Super Mario Bros. Come on, you know what I am talking about. What person in their right mind wouldn’t here that, get a smile on their face, and move along.
I shouldn’t speculate on using my horn, because I never do. I have been in a lot of near accidents, a lot of bad traffic, yet I never use my horn. I’d rather just curse the person out instead. Oh wait, I just remembered the thing I hate most about car horns. Ever been sleeping at say 1am or maybe even 6am? And there you are, dreaming of a nice big stack of pancakes and bacon, being served by a lovely Hawaiian tropic model, when you hear ERGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH. And you are woken up! Then it’s the sound again! And again! Is America about to be bombed? Has there been a nuclear spill and everyone has to evacuate? No, of course not, some idiot is picking up a friend, and rather than get out of the car and ring the bell, the schmuck hits his horn, with no consideration for my sleep, my sanity or my serenity. In the end, car horns suck. I could’ve just wrote that sentence, but as I started writing this, some idiot outside blasted his horn. Why you may ask? Well, apparently, a mother was putting her son in a car seat, and he wanted her spot. Where has the humanity gone? So I propose the next time you are cut off, or someone is driving slow, or even your stuck at a light behind a teenage girl who can’t figure out how to put her car into drive, don’t reach for the horn. Instead, put all five fingers up in the air, out the window, wave at them….make a fist, then extend your middle finger. You’ll feel better, they will be 10x more upset, and most of all, you will preserve everyone’s ear drums.
posted by EDS | 1:02 PM
1 Comments:
Bastards wake my kid up every night right as he falls asleep and I'm trying to get into a Duke game...
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