Dr. Brown's Revisited

You may remember my analysis of the King of all Beverages, Dr. Brown's Black Cherry Soda. If not, it's a special piece, check it out here.

Anyway, recently Dr. Brown's has done something quite controversial and something that indeed alters the course of humanity. They have created a 2 liter bottle. This has never been done before. Furthermore, these bottles are selling for an affordable 99 cents at your local supermarket.

Now my immediate thought on this new innovation was "great! I can now buy Dr. Brown's in bulk and not mortgage my future at 7-11 trying to buy the tiny little bottles, or buying a can for $12 at the Kosher Deli." However, after sitting and thinking over the ramifications of this new product, I am a bit disturbed by the introduction of such an affordable and easy-access bottle of Dr. Brown's.

It used to be that Dr. Brown's was not accessible by just anyone. A regular Joe on the street could not just decided to spend his 75 cents in the soda machine and taste heaven. Now all of a sudden Dr. Brown's has gone from an expensive, naturally blonde lady escort, to a chubby, Hunter's Point, cheap crack whore... and I don't like it! 99 cents? Are you kidding me? You're worth more than that. Where is your self-respect young lady?!? This is no way to go through life! What are you - Dr. Pepper?!?

Yet as much as I scream and yell about it, this is the choice the Dr. Brown's people have made. This is what it has come to. No longer can only upscale suburban Deli-frequenting people enjoy an iced cold glass of Dr. Brown's with their pastrami sandwich on rye and french fries... Now even minorities can drink this sweet nectar of freedom. Alas, the world is changing around us.

Now of course, I make my trips to the supermarket and buy my 99 cent bottles of Dr. Brown's like everyone else, but now I am just one of the crowd instead of one of the select few. The next problem becomes the excasterbation (yes that is a clean word, I looked it up once) of the one weakness that Dr. Brown's has always possessed. Like all superheroes, Dr. Brown's possesses one flaw that could technically ruin its otherwise perfect being. Dr. Brown's does not last well once opened. It is meant to be enjoyed and consumed in one sitting. That is probably the reason that, to this point, it has only been available in cans and small bottles. Now, when I buy the 99 cent bottle, I generally can only drink about half in one-sitting. This means that a half a bottle of Dr. Brown's is being wasted. That, my good friends, is NOT cool.

We will be holding an intervention for Dr. Brown. Apparently he is doing too much crack and that is why he is offering it up for so cheap. We need to convince Dr. Brown that he IS classy and he is NOT a cheap drink to be enjoyed with a cheap piece of meat. Hell NO! He is to be enjoyed only in the finest Delis in NYC and by people who are willing to spend $2.75 on a 1 liter bottle of soda.

Stay tuned, if this intervention does not work, I will ask you to join a revolution. We will cleanse the world of this cheapness and restore glory to the beverage we once adored and knew so well. It's amazing how fast things can change, we must fight, we must survive.

In a related story, I have been told by a reliable source that Diet Cel-Ray (yes, that would be a soda, made by Dr. Brown's, that tasted like celery...diet celery somehow) has been discontinued. Now my grandfather and his old/dead friends are going to be pissed. Too bad he can't turn on a computer, let alone express his thoughts on the topic in a guest blog. If Fresca gets discontinued, someone might really have to put him on a suicide watch.