“Who’ll Stop the Rain?”
A Guest Contribution from the infamous Chicken Parm...
My biggest pet peeve has always been regarding umbrellas. Seems like a strange pet peeve; after all, when it rains, we hold up an umbrella to fend off the attacking rain. However, my problem isn’t with the concept of an umbrella, but rather with the individual’s choice of umbrella. I’m not even talking about umbrellas emblazoned with tulips and daisies, which by the way makes no sense to show off on an ugly, rainy day. That doesn’t even bother me. My issue is with the size of a man’s umbrella. I get annoyed when I see a multi-millionaire executive trying to protect his multi-thousand dollar Armani suit with a piece of crap umbrella that he bought on a Manhattan street corner for $5. The same executive or businessman who won’t blink at the price tag of a high end Lexus SUV is carrying a cheap umbrella that shoots up like field goal posts with the slightest gust of wind. The same stock broker or high-powered attorney who willfully drops a few hundred dollars or more for a random Tuesday night steak dinner might as well wear a baseball cap because that will give him comparable protection. None.
You should be able to predict the net worth of a man by the size of his umbrella. Homeless people should be using the tiny toothpick umbrellas that are affixed to desserts at weddings, blue collar workers should have the $5 Penn Station umbrellas, and CEO’s should have umbrellas that could cover all of Staten Island. Think of the clothes each of these levels of society are trying to protect. Homeless people could use the shower every other week; in fact we should give them a free bar of soap with each toothpick umbrella purchase. Blue collar workers have umbrellas that only cover the waist up so maybe some paint chips will fall off the bottom of their pants, and rain should never come near someone like Bill Gates.
I don’t understand why we don’t see more golf umbrellas in times of inclement weather. We have no problems shoving old people out of the way to catch the subway and we have no problems shouting on cell phones while walking down the street, but a big umbrella might be an inconvenience for the other people around us? Hell no! I want to stay dry. And I don’t care if I poke anyone’s eyes out either. I have 2 huge umbrellas and I’m proud to display them and stay dry on a rainy, winter day. A strong, sturdy umbrella is a priority purchase of mine each year as the summer draws to an end. If we can drop $100 at a blackjack table in minutes, why can’t we buy a monster umbrella that lasts for years? In fact, with that $100, you can buy 3 or 4 huge umbrellas for your home, car, office, etc.
This can be quite entertaining as well. During the next rain storm, guess whether the person next to you has stock in ImClone or IBM, and then inquire as to the diversity of their portfolio.
My biggest pet peeve has always been regarding umbrellas. Seems like a strange pet peeve; after all, when it rains, we hold up an umbrella to fend off the attacking rain. However, my problem isn’t with the concept of an umbrella, but rather with the individual’s choice of umbrella. I’m not even talking about umbrellas emblazoned with tulips and daisies, which by the way makes no sense to show off on an ugly, rainy day. That doesn’t even bother me. My issue is with the size of a man’s umbrella. I get annoyed when I see a multi-millionaire executive trying to protect his multi-thousand dollar Armani suit with a piece of crap umbrella that he bought on a Manhattan street corner for $5. The same executive or businessman who won’t blink at the price tag of a high end Lexus SUV is carrying a cheap umbrella that shoots up like field goal posts with the slightest gust of wind. The same stock broker or high-powered attorney who willfully drops a few hundred dollars or more for a random Tuesday night steak dinner might as well wear a baseball cap because that will give him comparable protection. None.
You should be able to predict the net worth of a man by the size of his umbrella. Homeless people should be using the tiny toothpick umbrellas that are affixed to desserts at weddings, blue collar workers should have the $5 Penn Station umbrellas, and CEO’s should have umbrellas that could cover all of Staten Island. Think of the clothes each of these levels of society are trying to protect. Homeless people could use the shower every other week; in fact we should give them a free bar of soap with each toothpick umbrella purchase. Blue collar workers have umbrellas that only cover the waist up so maybe some paint chips will fall off the bottom of their pants, and rain should never come near someone like Bill Gates.
I don’t understand why we don’t see more golf umbrellas in times of inclement weather. We have no problems shoving old people out of the way to catch the subway and we have no problems shouting on cell phones while walking down the street, but a big umbrella might be an inconvenience for the other people around us? Hell no! I want to stay dry. And I don’t care if I poke anyone’s eyes out either. I have 2 huge umbrellas and I’m proud to display them and stay dry on a rainy, winter day. A strong, sturdy umbrella is a priority purchase of mine each year as the summer draws to an end. If we can drop $100 at a blackjack table in minutes, why can’t we buy a monster umbrella that lasts for years? In fact, with that $100, you can buy 3 or 4 huge umbrellas for your home, car, office, etc.
This can be quite entertaining as well. During the next rain storm, guess whether the person next to you has stock in ImClone or IBM, and then inquire as to the diversity of their portfolio.
posted by EDS | 1:10 PM
2 Comments:
Some people choose to get their shoes and pants a little wet in order to avoid having to fold up a huge umbrella. It's a matter of priorities and principles.
I don't know Chicken Parm from Chicken Chow Mein but I'll bet he's never taken a subway on a regular basis b/c people who do, know that big golf umbrellas are a huge pain in the ass once you get into the subway. If you're lucky to get a seat on the train, your asking for soaked pants if your carrying an oversized umbrella. With the exception of EDS, I can't think of anyone who likes or is used to having wet pants on a regular basis. The answer, if you are the CEO, is to get driven to and from work in which case you never need an umbrella.
Rob
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