Some Of The Things That Keep Me Awake At Night
-- "God's Green Earth"
I don't like this phrase. My Uncle recently made the following statement:
"You heard it here first. There is no way on God's green earth that the White Sox will repeat! As a matter of fact, they will not make the playoffs in '06."
Now, assuming that by saying God's green earth you are speaking from God's perspective of the earth, wouldn't it really be God's blue earth? Because the common accepted theory is that from "God's perspective" means from above. If you ever looked at satellite pictures of the earth, it is in fact more blue than green. In fact - there is a lot of brown in there too. It is scientific fact that something like 75% of the earth is made up of water. So unless you were speaking of God's green earth as an actual parcel of grass or shrubbery (that has not browned yet for winter) that God is standing on as this comment is being made, perhaps his comment should have read as follows:
"You heard it here first. There is no way on God's blue earth that the White Sox will repeat!"
OR
"You heard it here first. There is no way on this grassy patch of God's green earth (not including the 75% water) that the White Sox will repeat!"
My Uncle, being the smartass that he is, immediately responded with the following:
"Why are you assuming that God looks at earth from a satellite? Its God's green earth because the fields are green. Within that earth are also blue oceans. But, I am not making a statement about God's blue earth as I am stating that the Sox will not win on earth. They are not playing water polo. Had they been, it likely would have been blue earth."
You see - my Uncle was clearly going with the specific route whereas I was arguing on a general basis. Either way, without wasting your time (which if I was really wasting your time, that would imply you have something to do right now, which clearly you do not - but that's off-topic), my Uncle and I agreed that certainly if the Chicago White Sox were to be playing somehow at Boise State - it would in fact for sure be "God's Blue Earth".
Whatever... Just noting...
-- My blackberry screen has a background light, but the actual keypad does not.
This one bugs me to no end. Picture this scenario: I'm driving 70mph on my way home from work. I have my knees positioned so that I can actually steer the car without my hands. I have my hands furiously typing away on my blackberry, and my head is constantly patrolling back and forth between my work email and the road. (Ok, I know this is dangerous, and I know if I saw someone doing this I would probably write about what a complete and utter retard that person is, but clearly my emails are far more important than that other person's and mine clearly cannot wait an extra half-hour until I arrive safely home). Now, this is all fine and good during the day because as my head patrols back and forth between the keypad, the screen and the road, I can easily maintain my place. However, now it becomes winter and I drive home from work in complete blackness... I can no longer see the keypad because the only light on the blackberry is for the screen. This is very dangerous.
Just a note - I believe this issue has been addresses in the newer models which my firm has not provided for me yet. Nonetheless I look forward to the day where I can increase my chance of surviving the ride home exponentially with this keypad background light.
-- The Lack of Stupid People on TV
Ok, so this one doesn't really keep me up at night and there ARE plenty of stupid people on TV. But not this kind of stupid. Seriously, there are few things that can be more entertaining than retarded kids trying to hump a doorknob or a dumb blonde broad getting sexually harrassed at work without even realizing. How come there aren't shows with that as a premise? Someone is missing out on a hit series. Forget 'The Bachelor' and 'Real World' - we need 'Amber and Corky Trapped in a House for 10 Days - Who Will Drive Who Mad First?' You'd watch it. You know how I know - You watched 'The Simple Life'. It's ok, we all did, and we all found it entertaining to see Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie show the entire world that just because you are rich and famous doesn't mean you are good-looking or intelligent. The offspring of a retarded monkey that mated with a parrot with a lisp would have more common sense than, and speak more intelligently and clearly than those two ridiculous whores. That's what makes watching them so much fun. We need more people like that on TV.
I know where to find them. Law school. I can run auditions just from my class in law school and put together a great reality series starring 4 somewhat booksmart people with the social skills of a rabid racoon and the common sense of a coked-up streetwalker. We can put them in different scenarios to succeed and watch them completely mess up their lives and the lives of people around them. How can you not watch that?
More to come eventually... feel free to add to the list - or don't, I don't give a crap.
I don't like this phrase. My Uncle recently made the following statement:
"You heard it here first. There is no way on God's green earth that the White Sox will repeat! As a matter of fact, they will not make the playoffs in '06."
Now, assuming that by saying God's green earth you are speaking from God's perspective of the earth, wouldn't it really be God's blue earth? Because the common accepted theory is that from "God's perspective" means from above. If you ever looked at satellite pictures of the earth, it is in fact more blue than green. In fact - there is a lot of brown in there too. It is scientific fact that something like 75% of the earth is made up of water. So unless you were speaking of God's green earth as an actual parcel of grass or shrubbery (that has not browned yet for winter) that God is standing on as this comment is being made, perhaps his comment should have read as follows:
"You heard it here first. There is no way on God's blue earth that the White Sox will repeat!"
OR
"You heard it here first. There is no way on this grassy patch of God's green earth (not including the 75% water) that the White Sox will repeat!"
My Uncle, being the smartass that he is, immediately responded with the following:
"Why are you assuming that God looks at earth from a satellite? Its God's green earth because the fields are green. Within that earth are also blue oceans. But, I am not making a statement about God's blue earth as I am stating that the Sox will not win on earth. They are not playing water polo. Had they been, it likely would have been blue earth."
You see - my Uncle was clearly going with the specific route whereas I was arguing on a general basis. Either way, without wasting your time (which if I was really wasting your time, that would imply you have something to do right now, which clearly you do not - but that's off-topic), my Uncle and I agreed that certainly if the Chicago White Sox were to be playing somehow at Boise State - it would in fact for sure be "God's Blue Earth".
Whatever... Just noting...
-- My blackberry screen has a background light, but the actual keypad does not.
This one bugs me to no end. Picture this scenario: I'm driving 70mph on my way home from work. I have my knees positioned so that I can actually steer the car without my hands. I have my hands furiously typing away on my blackberry, and my head is constantly patrolling back and forth between my work email and the road. (Ok, I know this is dangerous, and I know if I saw someone doing this I would probably write about what a complete and utter retard that person is, but clearly my emails are far more important than that other person's and mine clearly cannot wait an extra half-hour until I arrive safely home). Now, this is all fine and good during the day because as my head patrols back and forth between the keypad, the screen and the road, I can easily maintain my place. However, now it becomes winter and I drive home from work in complete blackness... I can no longer see the keypad because the only light on the blackberry is for the screen. This is very dangerous.
Just a note - I believe this issue has been addresses in the newer models which my firm has not provided for me yet. Nonetheless I look forward to the day where I can increase my chance of surviving the ride home exponentially with this keypad background light.
-- The Lack of Stupid People on TV
Ok, so this one doesn't really keep me up at night and there ARE plenty of stupid people on TV. But not this kind of stupid. Seriously, there are few things that can be more entertaining than retarded kids trying to hump a doorknob or a dumb blonde broad getting sexually harrassed at work without even realizing. How come there aren't shows with that as a premise? Someone is missing out on a hit series. Forget 'The Bachelor' and 'Real World' - we need 'Amber and Corky Trapped in a House for 10 Days - Who Will Drive Who Mad First?' You'd watch it. You know how I know - You watched 'The Simple Life'. It's ok, we all did, and we all found it entertaining to see Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie show the entire world that just because you are rich and famous doesn't mean you are good-looking or intelligent. The offspring of a retarded monkey that mated with a parrot with a lisp would have more common sense than, and speak more intelligently and clearly than those two ridiculous whores. That's what makes watching them so much fun. We need more people like that on TV.
I know where to find them. Law school. I can run auditions just from my class in law school and put together a great reality series starring 4 somewhat booksmart people with the social skills of a rabid racoon and the common sense of a coked-up streetwalker. We can put them in different scenarios to succeed and watch them completely mess up their lives and the lives of people around them. How can you not watch that?
More to come eventually... feel free to add to the list - or don't, I don't give a crap.
posted by EDS | 3:18 PM
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