Random Things That Annoy Me…
Famous people with public marriages and relationships:
This is ridiculous to me. I don’t give a rat’s tuches who you are cohabitating with. Do you know or care who I am married to? NO. So why do you think that I want to have news of your wedding streaming across my TV screen? Imagine this scenario, because it happens quite often to me. I’m watching a nationally televised sporting event (pretty important stuff) and it is a crucial point in the contest (now we’re approaching life-death situations). Sure enough, across the bottom of the screen and cutting off from view the lower quarter of the court/field/park is a little message shooting across my screen that Ben Afleck decided he’d rather be with Matt Damon than J.Lo. (by the way – what is a J.Lo?) So Ben, it was that important for me to know about your lack of taste and smarts, that I had to miss the fat kid from Harlem hitting a double off the wall to tie the Little League World Series game at 4? Well, I got news for you: Forces of Nature sucked! In fact, all those Kevin Smith movies you’re in are only great because of Chris Rock and Jay and Silent Bob. You actually hurt the movies. Oh, one last comment on this topic, Brad Pitt – good move – Jennifer definitely hit the wall.
Celebrity Interviews at Sporting Events:
Now I know this is similar to the last one, so I’ll be quick. Mr. Afleck, I already missed part of the game because of the streaming message on the bottom of my screen telling me about your breakup. I don’t need to hear you telling Cheryl Miller about it for 20 minutes now during overtime so that they split the screen making it virtually impossible to see the game. And Jack, I love ya baby, but you’re getting more air time at games than you are in show biz these days.
Fat Girls in Inappropriate Clothing:
Walk around the city in the summer, this is self-explanatory. Nobody’s here to judge your lifestyle or eating habits…but hey, guess what? – You’re fat! Nobody wants to see that!
Curt Schilling:
This guy craves attention more than Pauly Shore at a crack-baby convention. You are an amazing talent, and extremely clutch. Your over-embellished (yet heroic) performance against the Yanks was commendable. You made yourself into an icon and a legend in Boston with one terrific pitching performance. Congratulations! Don’t go flapping your yapper and remove all the respect you just earned by telling the Yankees they are greedy bastards. Your team has the second highest payroll in baseball!!! Your statement, in my humble opinion, was profoundly retarded.
Law School Students:
You are the phoniest group of human beings on the face of the earth. You are cunning, deceitful, shrewd and worst of all, smart (well some of you). Now that I’m graduating, I can freely state that I despise a good 90% of you (of course the people reading this are in the good 10%). You all think you handle pressure with ease, but I’ve seen you crying in the library before finals and smoking inordinate amounts of cigarettes while studying. Your unwarranted need to perform better than your classmates at all costs is despicable and loathsome. Besides, while you were reading this, I stole all your notes and outlines and gave you the wrong answers for the practice exams.
This is ridiculous to me. I don’t give a rat’s tuches who you are cohabitating with. Do you know or care who I am married to? NO. So why do you think that I want to have news of your wedding streaming across my TV screen? Imagine this scenario, because it happens quite often to me. I’m watching a nationally televised sporting event (pretty important stuff) and it is a crucial point in the contest (now we’re approaching life-death situations). Sure enough, across the bottom of the screen and cutting off from view the lower quarter of the court/field/park is a little message shooting across my screen that Ben Afleck decided he’d rather be with Matt Damon than J.Lo. (by the way – what is a J.Lo?) So Ben, it was that important for me to know about your lack of taste and smarts, that I had to miss the fat kid from Harlem hitting a double off the wall to tie the Little League World Series game at 4? Well, I got news for you: Forces of Nature sucked! In fact, all those Kevin Smith movies you’re in are only great because of Chris Rock and Jay and Silent Bob. You actually hurt the movies. Oh, one last comment on this topic, Brad Pitt – good move – Jennifer definitely hit the wall.
Celebrity Interviews at Sporting Events:
Now I know this is similar to the last one, so I’ll be quick. Mr. Afleck, I already missed part of the game because of the streaming message on the bottom of my screen telling me about your breakup. I don’t need to hear you telling Cheryl Miller about it for 20 minutes now during overtime so that they split the screen making it virtually impossible to see the game. And Jack, I love ya baby, but you’re getting more air time at games than you are in show biz these days.
Fat Girls in Inappropriate Clothing:
Walk around the city in the summer, this is self-explanatory. Nobody’s here to judge your lifestyle or eating habits…but hey, guess what? – You’re fat! Nobody wants to see that!
Curt Schilling:
This guy craves attention more than Pauly Shore at a crack-baby convention. You are an amazing talent, and extremely clutch. Your over-embellished (yet heroic) performance against the Yanks was commendable. You made yourself into an icon and a legend in Boston with one terrific pitching performance. Congratulations! Don’t go flapping your yapper and remove all the respect you just earned by telling the Yankees they are greedy bastards. Your team has the second highest payroll in baseball!!! Your statement, in my humble opinion, was profoundly retarded.
Law School Students:
You are the phoniest group of human beings on the face of the earth. You are cunning, deceitful, shrewd and worst of all, smart (well some of you). Now that I’m graduating, I can freely state that I despise a good 90% of you (of course the people reading this are in the good 10%). You all think you handle pressure with ease, but I’ve seen you crying in the library before finals and smoking inordinate amounts of cigarettes while studying. Your unwarranted need to perform better than your classmates at all costs is despicable and loathsome. Besides, while you were reading this, I stole all your notes and outlines and gave you the wrong answers for the practice exams.
posted by EDS | 4:43 PM
3 Comments:
med school - sorry:
in the book "the house of g-d", these types are called slurpers, because of their ability to slurp their way up the ice cream cone pyramid up to the top.
i myself had the unfortunate opportunity to be with one such "person" - let me rant for a sec. you f-ing b. i hate you and your blond dye, bad nose job, 2 pounds of lipstick to hide your 30 year wrinkles, and tight outfits that accent all the wrong things. anyone with half a brain saw through you, except the lonely docs that bought your act. you alienated all your classmates, lied to collegues and doctors, and managed to push your cleavage up enough to get a 95 on the oral exam. may g-d have mercy on your soul, because i sure as hell don't anymore.
to all you law schoolers - sorry that you have to deal with these types, from one future white collar to another.
drek
"law school gunners (you know that clown who opines at every given opportunity)"
I like to call these people the "mental masturbators." The guys (and girls) who pleasure themselves by massaging their own brains, and leave the rest of us dripping with their overstate-the-obvious, aren't-I-smart, listen-to-my-brain goo.
I think Elliot should find these law students and beat them with his hammer that he seems to have in hand
Rob
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