EZ Pass Is Easy…

Some people just take too long to catch on. Each year they close down more cash lanes and open more EZ Pass lanes. Each time they do this traffic moves more freely and more clearly on bridges, through tunnels and on highway stretches. Yet for some reason every time I pull up to the EZ Pass toll and look to my right, there is a line of anywhere from 12 to 4,200 cars lined up waiting to pay cash. Now this would be understandable if some guy was going to visit his girlfriend and didn’t want his wife to see his trip on the EZ Pass bill, but I doubt that everybody in that line is doing that (at least I hope not). I look over to my right and shake my head in pity and disgust that people could be this dumb.

It does not cost any extra money to use EZ Pass; in fact it costs less money. The ease of signing up is astounding when you think about other bureaucratic muddles that we deal with on a daily basis. You simply go online, fill out a form and wait the traditional 6-8 weeks. It’s really not bad at all. It actually can take longer to wait on a line in a post office to send a letter, renew a license at the DMV or wait on hold in regards to student loans, than it can to receive your very own key to freedom – EZ Pass. This might be the greatest motorist-related invention since they put radio controls on the steering wheel (can’t beat that).

Furthermore, it completely eliminates the necessity of carrying cash with you. With EZ Pass and a credit card, you are truly free to roam the country. Before EZ Pass one always needed to be sure to carry some extra cash with him/her in case an unforeseen trip across the Hudson was necessary. Picture this scenario, you regrettably find yourself in the sorry state of New Jersey. You would like to travel across the GWB for the quickest possible escape, but alas, you have no cash. You are now stranded in NJ and must find a bank with an ATM. This will involve getting lost 6 or 7 times, finding the ATM – broken of course, and getting lost another few times before finding a working one. Then you must first venture out onto one of the infamous ‘routes’ in search of the GWB. Whereas, had you purchased EZ Pass you could be as broke as homeless man with a crack addiction and still reach the promised land of New York.

Yet for some inexplicable reason, there are educated, non-learning-disabled human beings who do not sign up for this service. Why? Why in the name of all that is holy would you do something like that?!? Great Caesar’s Ghost! You could be saving an average of 10 minutes per trip! I think if I ever found out that one of these societal misfits was a daily commuter I would have to put him out of his misery. It’s bad enough for a casual commuter, but for someone to be so dumb as to wait on that line day in and day out without ever once inquiring as to why the 8 lanes next to them don’t have to stop (of course assuming they are illiterate and cannot read the EZ Pass advertisement next to the cash lane) is too stupid for that person’s existence to be allowed to continue.

So from now on, whenever you drive across a bridge or through a tunnel, when you are cruising through the EZ Pass lane and look over to the right and see the long line of “cash” people – do them a favor – roll down your window, whip out your emergency megaphone and release a laugh so deep that your belly hurts. Maybe they’ll get the hint.

with inspiration from, strangely enough, AJS...