A Guide to Excelling in College, Without Going…
I have given the assignment of uncovering the law school myth to my esteemed colleague, JP, and he is doing a wonderful job. It has come to my attention that we have a number of college students as daily visitors among the hundreds and hundreds of other readers. Therefore, I present a guide to getting through college with at least a 3.7 GPA.
College is a scam. In fact to paraphrase (for the purposes of political correctness – which will be the subject of a post down the road I’m sure) a great radio show host, it’s the biggest scam since religion. Basically you (or your parents, if you are lucky) are paying $25,000 (again, if you’re lucky) for a 3-4 year gym membership. That’s all there is to do in college, play ball and work out. You can sleep too, but after a few weeks, the novelty of sleeping all day wears off and you need to work out and get tired to further develop your sleep enjoyment.
Class - This is the most overrated area in college. Somehow many students believe that they need to actually be in class to do well on finals. This is a farce. Now, it is understandable and in fact forgivable if it takes one semester to figure this out. However, if you are in your second or third year of college and are still regularly attending more than 15% of your classes (I’ll take a conservatively high percentage), you probably do homework, started a society of some kind which is geared towards the furthering of some academic goal, major in philosophy or psychology and you will probably end up teaching in the same college you now attend. This is because you spent, or are spending, your entire college career in class, the least important place you can be when pursuing a future career that might pay more than minimum wage.
The most important aspect of building a career is building a network and building people skills. Intensely writing down every word a professor says about how many wives King Tut had and killed unfortunately will not impact your future in anyway. Getting out and meeting people, perhaps working a little and partaking in an entertaining extra-curricular activity (this does not include mathletes and science club) will help you along just fine.
Grades - So, you’re worried about your grades. Don’t worry. That’s what accounting majors are for. These helpless souls will be in every class, even the ones that don’t have to do with their major. They will take notes and outline the class. They will write papers. They will be your friends. You will treat them as if they are cool, and they will want to be your friend. Basically, you will say hi to them outside of class in front of others, thus making them cool by association – in return you will receive notes and outlines and even papers. Furthermore, since you are infinitely smarter than these geeks (hey, they chose accounting as a career, can’t be that brilliant, with one exception – love ya babe!) you will actually do better than them in school. Never let them know that. Let them feel that they are helping you while still maintaining a competitive GPA. Then at graduation, you can laugh at them when your name is in the honors column instead of theirs. Go over and thank them for getting you through college. Tell them to call you in a few years if they are looking for a job.
Finals – You do NOT need to start studying for a final until the night before (if it’s a morning final) or the day of (if an evening final). The material is not difficult. In fact, a retarded gorilla on a coke-high could answer many of the questions on your final exam. However, this does not mean that you should not begin “preparing” for the final a few days before.
To prepare for a final there is one crucial piece of property you must obtain. In fact, this is the most important thing you can own in college – a photocopier card. These little pieces of plastic hold the key to your GPA. At this point in time you begin to round up your posse of accounting geeks and start eating lunch with them. I guarantee they will have all their notes with them. At lunch you bring up the final and how worried you are (this will take good acting, because unlike you, these putzes are actually worried). They will offer you all kinds of help and ask you to join their study group. DO NOT join their study group. Only go to the last meeting when they go over the old tests (or stolen test, which is infinitely better). Take their notes and outlines and photocopy them. Put them away till the prescribed time before the test (see above).
All in all, college can be a great time. It can be challenging and stimulating. It can be fun, meaningful and important and can be the key to building your future. It CANNOT, however, be any of these great things if you waste your time going to class and doing school work. This is unproductive and frankly, not interesting. For example, take a guy named Otter. Otter did not go to class. In fact he spent most of his college life drinking and being merry. Otter ended up being quite successful and happily married. The great Dean Wormer says, "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life". This is true, but it is sure as hell a great way to go through college.
And by the way… What in the HELL is a “mathlete” – are you freaking kidding me?!?
College is a scam. In fact to paraphrase (for the purposes of political correctness – which will be the subject of a post down the road I’m sure) a great radio show host, it’s the biggest scam since religion. Basically you (or your parents, if you are lucky) are paying $25,000 (again, if you’re lucky) for a 3-4 year gym membership. That’s all there is to do in college, play ball and work out. You can sleep too, but after a few weeks, the novelty of sleeping all day wears off and you need to work out and get tired to further develop your sleep enjoyment.
Class - This is the most overrated area in college. Somehow many students believe that they need to actually be in class to do well on finals. This is a farce. Now, it is understandable and in fact forgivable if it takes one semester to figure this out. However, if you are in your second or third year of college and are still regularly attending more than 15% of your classes (I’ll take a conservatively high percentage), you probably do homework, started a society of some kind which is geared towards the furthering of some academic goal, major in philosophy or psychology and you will probably end up teaching in the same college you now attend. This is because you spent, or are spending, your entire college career in class, the least important place you can be when pursuing a future career that might pay more than minimum wage.
The most important aspect of building a career is building a network and building people skills. Intensely writing down every word a professor says about how many wives King Tut had and killed unfortunately will not impact your future in anyway. Getting out and meeting people, perhaps working a little and partaking in an entertaining extra-curricular activity (this does not include mathletes and science club) will help you along just fine.
Grades - So, you’re worried about your grades. Don’t worry. That’s what accounting majors are for. These helpless souls will be in every class, even the ones that don’t have to do with their major. They will take notes and outline the class. They will write papers. They will be your friends. You will treat them as if they are cool, and they will want to be your friend. Basically, you will say hi to them outside of class in front of others, thus making them cool by association – in return you will receive notes and outlines and even papers. Furthermore, since you are infinitely smarter than these geeks (hey, they chose accounting as a career, can’t be that brilliant, with one exception – love ya babe!) you will actually do better than them in school. Never let them know that. Let them feel that they are helping you while still maintaining a competitive GPA. Then at graduation, you can laugh at them when your name is in the honors column instead of theirs. Go over and thank them for getting you through college. Tell them to call you in a few years if they are looking for a job.
Finals – You do NOT need to start studying for a final until the night before (if it’s a morning final) or the day of (if an evening final). The material is not difficult. In fact, a retarded gorilla on a coke-high could answer many of the questions on your final exam. However, this does not mean that you should not begin “preparing” for the final a few days before.
To prepare for a final there is one crucial piece of property you must obtain. In fact, this is the most important thing you can own in college – a photocopier card. These little pieces of plastic hold the key to your GPA. At this point in time you begin to round up your posse of accounting geeks and start eating lunch with them. I guarantee they will have all their notes with them. At lunch you bring up the final and how worried you are (this will take good acting, because unlike you, these putzes are actually worried). They will offer you all kinds of help and ask you to join their study group. DO NOT join their study group. Only go to the last meeting when they go over the old tests (or stolen test, which is infinitely better). Take their notes and outlines and photocopy them. Put them away till the prescribed time before the test (see above).
All in all, college can be a great time. It can be challenging and stimulating. It can be fun, meaningful and important and can be the key to building your future. It CANNOT, however, be any of these great things if you waste your time going to class and doing school work. This is unproductive and frankly, not interesting. For example, take a guy named Otter. Otter did not go to class. In fact he spent most of his college life drinking and being merry. Otter ended up being quite successful and happily married. The great Dean Wormer says, "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life". This is true, but it is sure as hell a great way to go through college.
And by the way… What in the HELL is a “mathlete” – are you freaking kidding me?!?
posted by EDS | 2:25 PM
1 Comments:
Other people pay $3,000 a year for the right to "go to school" near the Main Street theatre and their incredible promotion of Wacky Wednesday- $2 movies all day long. Promotions like that did not allow me to go to class on Wednesdays.
At the end of your 4 years of college, the only thing graduate schools and potential employers look at is your GPA. They don't care if you took basket weaving (great class) or molecular biology. They only care that you had a high GPA and that you graduated. There is no incentive to study if you can work within the system. If professors refuse to change their tests or teach by reading out of the book, then why should you attend class?
The ultimate goal of college and apparently law school is to get the highest GPA possible so that you can get the best job while doing as little work as possible throughout school.
I also think that all members of this blog have succeeded at mastering college.
AJS
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