Independence for New Jersey…

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Dear Congress:

I am writing you today to express my ardent and passionate belief that the State of New Jersey should be allowed (ok, forced) to secede from the Union. It’s 2005 and the state of the union has not really been a topic of discussion in many years (feel free to fill me in on the last state to join – Hawaii? Alaska? Seriously, I don’t care), but I believe this pressing and critical issue should be pushed to the forefront of your political endeavors. (By the way, when I say “state of the union”, I do not mean the lame campaign speeches given every year by the President, in which they split screens between minorities they flew in to smile and wave and Ted Kennedy’s big fat drunk ass – or is that his face? They’ve kind of merged over the years).

Now, I am not a political person. I do not care about any legislation you may make in your pathetic attempts to keep being elected or to become superior to your fellow Congressmen and at the same time have them think they are your friend, or your feeble attempts to keep a good public image. In fact, in my humble opinion, you might actually be lower on the scale of morality and life-value than law students. However, that said, this is a pressing issue, and therefore I defy all my personal feelings on politics to write you this letter. (Plus, in case you’re interested, getting rid of New Jersey is getting rid of one of those damned blue states with their sick perversions and their Howard Stern listeners).

New Jersey is a waste of space. It smells putrid. When one is forced to drive into New Jersey, even for a quick trip to Giants Stadium (which for the love of G-d should not be in freaking Jersey), the amounts of traffic and foul odor one’s nasal cavity inhales is unsafe and undesirable. Should New Jersey become an independent country, one would not be able to travel freely throughout its borders and surrounding states would be forced to build other viable thoroughfares.

Furthermore, the road signs in New Jersey are in a different language. They do not conform to the rest of the United States’ means of informing motorists of destinations and directions. In the rest of the United States, the “Exit Ramp” signs on highways are generally a certain distance prior to reaching that point where your vehicle would exit. In New Jersey, these signs appear either as you are passing, or after you have passed the desired highway exit. This may be adequate for those who live in New Jersey, but for us Americans this is confusing, and quite frankly, profoundly retarded.

Finally, if New Jersey is forced to secede from the union, we can attack it. We can remove the people and make them live as refugees. We can build a giant refugee camp. We can build it on top of a garbage dump so that misplaced citizens of New Jersey will feel right at home. We can call it “Staten Island”. Then we can build many large oil wells where New Jersey used to be. This will allow us to indiscriminately bomb away at many countries we do not like. Or we can build large casinos. This will allow you rich white people to finally stick it to the natives. It seems to me that the exiling of New Jersey from our great union can solve many of our country’s and Congress’ problems. It is not only a commonsensical and logical move, but a necessary one as well. Thank you for your time…