Parking A**holes...
This is a term that has become quite famous over the years. It is of particular use in cities where street parking is both commonplace and extremely difficult. For example, areas where there are many apartment buildings and many parking restrictions. This always makes for a wonderful 2 hour drive around the block till you get fed up enough to park 12 blocks away.
I’m sure you’ve noticed that as you circle your block for the 23rd time there is a car parked in such a way that if it move forward or backward 6-8 feet there would be room for two other cars to park. This is what we universally refer to as a ‘Parking A**hole’. This person’s blatant disregard for society is inexcusable and infuriating. Many times this is due to an innocent happenstance where that person parked earlier in the day and the person in front and in back moved thus creating extra space on both sides of the car. This is frustrating, but fair and excusable.
Often times however, this is not case. There are times where you know the car, because it has been there before committing the same infraction. It is when this iniquitous, repeat perpetrator strikes that I reach into my pocket for my sharpest key. I won’t just leave this person with a wimpy, feminine ‘my boyfriend cheated on me’ scratch – Oh no, no, no…
I will draw pictures and create all kinds of designs. This person will not have a car when he wakes up in the morning, he will have a masterpiece, signature and all.
Just a word of advice, in the name of humanity and societal togetherness – when you park your car - for a second just remember how long it took you to drive around the block and finally find a spot. Then think about the next person who may want to get home and see his family. This poor shmuck works all week and goes to school at night. There is sometimes only one or two nights per week where he can see his family before they go to sleep. If you simply move your car up a few more feet, he will get to see them; however, if you decide that your being and existence is too important to warrant considering someone else’s happiness and mental well-being, he will be forced to drive around another hour before parking, thus missing the opportunity to see his family. Then you will force him, when he finally has parked his car 7 blocks away, to return to your car and do his best impression of Michelangelo painting the Sistine chapel on your hood. If you are lucky he will not remove any parts of your car that you need to drive.
Then there’s the wonderful mafia-run restaurant on the corner that double parks cars two across and doesn’t seem to be bothered that there are 8 cars and an ambulance waiting behind them to get through. You can’t do anything about this, because they will kill you if you look at them funny. They take their time unloading as many old people with walkers as possible from the back of each car before courteously taking them to be parked in one of the few spots you have been vying for all night. Finally, 2 hours later when the party in the restaurant is over, after waiting for these cars to reload the old people, change their diapers and pull away, there are spots available – that is of course unless a ‘parking a**hole’ grabbed two of them with his compact car.
I’m sure you’ve noticed that as you circle your block for the 23rd time there is a car parked in such a way that if it move forward or backward 6-8 feet there would be room for two other cars to park. This is what we universally refer to as a ‘Parking A**hole’. This person’s blatant disregard for society is inexcusable and infuriating. Many times this is due to an innocent happenstance where that person parked earlier in the day and the person in front and in back moved thus creating extra space on both sides of the car. This is frustrating, but fair and excusable.
Often times however, this is not case. There are times where you know the car, because it has been there before committing the same infraction. It is when this iniquitous, repeat perpetrator strikes that I reach into my pocket for my sharpest key. I won’t just leave this person with a wimpy, feminine ‘my boyfriend cheated on me’ scratch – Oh no, no, no…
I will draw pictures and create all kinds of designs. This person will not have a car when he wakes up in the morning, he will have a masterpiece, signature and all.
Just a word of advice, in the name of humanity and societal togetherness – when you park your car - for a second just remember how long it took you to drive around the block and finally find a spot. Then think about the next person who may want to get home and see his family. This poor shmuck works all week and goes to school at night. There is sometimes only one or two nights per week where he can see his family before they go to sleep. If you simply move your car up a few more feet, he will get to see them; however, if you decide that your being and existence is too important to warrant considering someone else’s happiness and mental well-being, he will be forced to drive around another hour before parking, thus missing the opportunity to see his family. Then you will force him, when he finally has parked his car 7 blocks away, to return to your car and do his best impression of Michelangelo painting the Sistine chapel on your hood. If you are lucky he will not remove any parts of your car that you need to drive.
Then there’s the wonderful mafia-run restaurant on the corner that double parks cars two across and doesn’t seem to be bothered that there are 8 cars and an ambulance waiting behind them to get through. You can’t do anything about this, because they will kill you if you look at them funny. They take their time unloading as many old people with walkers as possible from the back of each car before courteously taking them to be parked in one of the few spots you have been vying for all night. Finally, 2 hours later when the party in the restaurant is over, after waiting for these cars to reload the old people, change their diapers and pull away, there are spots available – that is of course unless a ‘parking a**hole’ grabbed two of them with his compact car.
posted by EDS | 9:24 AM
1 Comments:
Very entertaining material, especially in RKV's (emphasis added) class. If I get called on it's all your fault. Btw, speaking of RKV, I think you need to do a piece on hyphenated names. Based on your other comments on women, I know you'll have a lot of interesting things to say.
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