Bob, the Radio Station Caller…

Recently I was in my car listening to a traffic report on a local news radio station when I heard something very disturbing. ‘Bob’ had called into the traffic center with a report from the Cross Island Parkway. This troubled me because ‘Bob’ was not an employee of the radio station, rather a concerned motorist who felt it necessary to report traffic conditions to the rest of us. I found this to be quite heartbreaking. Never in my years of driving in NY traffic did I once feel the urge to call into a radio station and report that I was sitting in a ridiculous amount of traffic. Bob felt it was necessary.

Most times I do not listen to news stations in the car for the obvious reason that they often discuss politics. My views on politics have already been discussed (See Here). I have trouble listening to music stations as well, because most of the music they play is garbage and the DJ’s are quite annoying. Therefore, I either listen to my CD’s or to sports radio talk stations. Now these sports talk programs are absolutely pathetic, but somehow they manage to entertain me (at least more than the news). Anyway, I’m listening to one of these stations and sure enough ‘Bob’ calls in:

Bob: Hey Mike, how ya doin’ it’s Bob from Melville? Remember me? I called in 7 times last week?
Mike: Hey Bob, good to hear from you again. What do you have for us today?
Bob: Yeah, I’m sitting here in traffic on the Cross Island and I was thinking like this - The Knicks are really playing poorly, I mean they’re losing more games than they are winning and to me, that’s a sign of an under .500 team. I’m thinking if they can play better defense, and score more points, they could probably win more games than they lose, therefore becoming an above .500 team. What do you think? (Bob will probably manage to use the phrase “and whatnot” 37 times during this conversation because he thinks it sounds smart)
Mike: I’d say that’s a great assessment.

Now, here’s the amazing part to me. Mike and his co-host, “Mad Dog” (when you listen, you understand why he’s called that - he’s a raving lunatic), don’t know anything more than Bob does about sports. In fact, they both spend the same amount of time daily reading about and discussing sports. The only difference is Mike and the Mad Dog get paid excessively for it, and Bob is unemployed because of it.

Bob is a sad, sad man. Bob is the guy who feels the need to shake your hand each time he sees you at the same party (he also winks when he makes a joke in case you weren’t sure he was kidding around). Bob listens to a basketball game on the radio - when he’s at that exact game. Bob is overweight, yet feels it’s imperative that he show up to the park for the ‘A’ game on Sunday mornings dressed as much like Billy from “White Men Can’t Jump” as possible (then he proceeds to give you tips on how to better your game). Bob is the same guy who spends the better part of his day on espn.com and other sports sites clicking refresh so that the second and sports story hits the wire he can email all of his friends and be the first to tell them that the Yankees promoted their Double A minor league pitching coach to bench coach at Triple A.

I have 3 options for Bob that he can choose from to better his existence:
1. Get a steady job – calling radio shows is not a job (no Bob, not even if you win a contest every month and have to pay taxes on the award).
2. Find and marry a really retarded girl from a really rich family. Her parents will love you so much for taking her off their hands; they will probably give you your own hour on public access TV, never mind allow you to call radio stations all day.
3. This might be your best option judging from your current state. Get a video that teaches you how to tie a noose. Stand on a chair and tie the noose just like you learned on the video. Call a radio station that will put you on live. Say, “hi it’s Bob from Melville”, so we all know who you are. Put the noose around your neck and jump off the chair.