I freakin hate flying. Hate it. It scares me bigtime. Here is why: It doesn't make any sense!!!
You plow down the runway in a huge hunk of metal carrying 50-150 people (many of them overweight), luggage and all types of machines and other devices. The hunk of metal somehow lifts into the air - and STAYS THERE!
Every single time we get up in the air, I'm waiting for gravity to kick in. The plane seems to kind of hang there for a second, like OJ probably did before he knocked on Nicole's door that sunny Los Angeles afternoon, deciding whether to stay up or to plummet back down into the earth.
So you get on the plane. All is well. Check the little pocket on the back of the seat in front of you to see if your puke bag is in there. Take an extra second to check if perhaps the guy who was on the plane before you left a porno in there by accident (come on, you all check for it). If you are Jewish, you probably check to see if there is any change in there (or in the crack between the seats, or in the overhead compartment, or in the other person's luggage in the overhead compartment).
Then you take your seat. Here is where things begin to stop being logical. "Fasten your seatbelts." OK - this one makes sense for about 12 seconds. But once you hit 160 miles per hour and the nose of the plane is sticking up in the air, the logic behind this safety precaution pretty much goes out the window for a couple of reasons:
a. Seatbelt aint gonna help you if you crash at this point
b. If you have problems and need to jump out of the plane so that you can die from the impact of the plane rolling at 160 miles per hour, you will be stuck in your seat.
"Turn off all electronic devices, they might interfere with whatever..." - I'm supposed to trust the technology of a flying machine that weighs hundreds of tons and flies thousands of miles at incredible speeds, but can be brought down by an Ipod Nano? For real?
And really, what would happen if I took out my cell phone and made a call? Would all the radars at once stop working, and hundreds of planes all of a sudden collide? Makes me really glad they made me take my shoes off at airport security while Mohhamed walked past talking on his cell phone, typing on his blackberry and using his two-way pager. Those are like weapons of mass destruction from the way they warn you on the plane.
"Life vest in case of a 'Water Landing', and your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device" - Anybody else remember the story that Quint tells in Jaws about the trip back from delivering the A-bomb to Japan? Those people used flotation devices to stay on top of the water too and something like 600 of them got torn to pieces by sharks.
But forget the sharks for a second. To me, one would be lucky to survive long enough to be eaten by sharks. If I remember correctly, they make special planes with a different kind of bottom to land on water. Yes I believe they FLOAT!
747 's DO NOT MAKE "WATER LANDINGS!!!"
I was on a plane once where the flight attendant was giving the usual faggy demonstration of all the "safety" materials and devices aboard the aircraft. At one point after he described the floating seat cushion and water slide that comes out of the emergency exit, someone actually asked him to repeat where the floating seat cushion was. To which he sharply responded, "Ma'am, if people have to start going for the seat cushions, it's not going to matter much, I promise."
Turbulence - This always scares me. People always like to say, "it's normal, it's normal."
IT'S NOT F*%&in NORMAL!!!!
You are 30,000 feet above the sea and being thrown around uncontrollably by gusts of wind. The wing is shaking and looks like it's about to fall off, all the luggage above you is shifting around reminding you how much weight this flying tin can is holding up in the air, and you're nauseous as hell because the freakin seatbelt that they are making you wear 30,000 feet in the air is ripping into your stomach as you get shaken around. That's not freakin normal!
Landing - This is an easy one - People clap when the plane lands safely. Any form of transportation that requires clapping and celebrating upon safe arrival is not for me. I don't clap after I parallel park. Sailors don't clap after the Captain docks the ship. Subway riders don't clap everytime they pull into a station. LIRR riders don't clap when they finally hit Penn Station. Yet, people feel it necessary to clap everytime a plane lands. They are so happy to be alive. There is something inherently wrong and sick about this concept.
Side question - Has anyone ever had to use the Oxygen things they have on the plane. I don't think they even exist. I look up there everytime and don't even see a real space for them to pop out of. I don't know of anyone whose ever had to use one. And if they do exist, they've probably only been used while the plane is plummeting 500 miles per hour from 30,000 feet causing a slight change in air pressure. And as everyone's eardrums are exploding into their brains, and their hearts stop pumping blood, these oxygen masks pop out to accomodate the 3 people who have not passed out or died yet, so that they could breathe a little bit longer before they ultimately explode into a fiery ball as they meet the earth at high speeds. Of course, had they been wearing their seatbelts even while the seatbelt light was off, as they suggest you do if you are not moving about the cabin, they probably would have been fine.
Bottomline - I hate flying. I do recognize how convenient it is in terms of saving 24-48 hours on travel time, but it still sucks. I'm still sitting up there in the plane waiting for it to be that one time where something goes wrong. They say flying is safer than driving. Now you and I both know that is some hard core BS. I've been in a few minor car accidents. Poll question - how many people you know who have been in a minor plane accident? What? None? Oh OK. That's what I thought. Because a bumper to bumper at 24,000 feet and 600 miles per hour is not quite so minor! There might be many more car accidents per year than plane accidents - but people survive car accidents pretty often. They get to tell the story. You know any good plane crash stories? (and I don't count the people who called relatives from cell phones on the way down. Those f--ers weren't supposed to be using cell phones on the plane). No you don't, because all the people with good plane crash stories are dead. And the ones with REALLY good plane crash stories don't even get a proper burial because they're missing multiple body parts, or have completely disintegrated.
