Closure for Schiavo Issue

Ok, I’m going to be totally honest. I am sick of this woman’s freaking family on the news. All of them – husband, father, mother, brother priest and anyone else who has been on TV. She is now dead.

Let’s address this one last time. I will not address the moral, ethical or religious issues involved because frankly they are completely irrelevant. That’s the great thing about living in the United States. We do not live by an ethical or religious code; rather we live by a legal code. Therefore, all you dumb pieces of crap who keep yelling about G-d and life and morality – blow it out your ass! Nobody wants to hear it. You can believe what you want, but you cannot impose it on others and you certainly cannot impose it on the judicial system.

On that note, I cannot tell you how happy it made me to see the President and Congress go through exhaustive political measures to lobby and pass laws just to give Federal Courts the right to hear this case, deny relief, and in fact rebuke the President and Congress; and further seeing the Supreme Court refuse to hear it – not once, but - wait for it – here it comes – ah, here it is - SIX FREAKING TIMES! This is a state issue, not Federal!

Let’s cut to the chase, because I have to get back to work – This woman, legally speaking, wanted to die in exactly this manner. You cannot argue it! You know why? Because that was the decision the court came to. Her husband showed enough evidence and satisfied a tremendous burden of proof that she wanted exactly this. Like the Metallica song – Nothing Else Matters. She legally wanted to die in this manner. She got what she wanted. End of story. You can argue morality, ethics and religion all day, but unfortunately for you, and maybe fortunately for others, only Law rules this land.

In the wake of all the argument about Terri Schiavo being in pain, or not saying she wanted to die in this scenario, here are what I thought were some interesting highlights and facts from this fiasco:

- Court-appointed doctors ruled she was in a persistent vegetative state, with no real consciousness or chance of recovery.

- The case had spent seven years winding its way through the courts, with Terri Schiavo's parents, Bob and Mary Schindler, repeatedly on the losing end. They have been at odds with their son-in-law, Michael Schiavo, who consistently won legal battles by arguing that his wife would not have wanted to live in her condition.

- Six times, the U.S. Supreme Court declined to intervene. Schiavo’s fate was debated on the floor of Congress and by President Bush, who signed an extraordinary bill on March 21 that let federal judges review her case.

- “In extraordinary circumstances like this, it is wise to always err on the side of life,” the president said. But federal courts refused again and again to overturn the central ruling by Pinellas County Circuit Judge George Greer, who said Michael Schiavo had convinced him that Terri Schiavo would not have wanted to be kept alive by extraordinary means.

- One judge rebuked the White House and lawmakers Wednesday for acting “in a manner demonstrably at odds with our Founding Fathers’ blueprint for the governance of a free people — our Constitution.”

- A court-appointed physician testified her brain damage was so severe that there was no hope she would ever have any cognitive abilities.

- Still, her parents, who visited her nearly every day, reported their daughter responded to their voices. Video showing the dark-haired woman appearing to interact with her family was televised nationally. But the court-appointed doctor said the noises and facial expressions were reflexes.

"Happy Birthday To Me"

Contributed by General R. Blie...

I have a number of problems with birthdays and how they are celebrated in the entire civilized world. Birthday cards are only the tip of the iceberg. First, the entire concept of the birthday is pretty unimpressive. As some comedian once pointed out (and if someone can help me remember where I heard it, I would be very appreciative) – What are we actually celebrating? You just got through another year without dying. Do we accomplish so little that, in an average year, the best thing we can celebrate is that we are still breathing? – Obviously, this was meant as a joke, but it makes a very good point. Birthdays are just a stupid thing to celebrate.

As my wife too often reminds me, it is customary to call people on their birthday. I never understood this concept. First, I do not like calling people unless I have a good reason. In general, I am against the call “just to say hi.” The concept is simple: Before you call me realize – if the thing I wanted to be doing most at that moment was talking to you, then I would have called you, not the other way around. By the same logic, if you call me, you are disturbing me from doing something I chose to do rather than talking to you. So if you interrupt me, at least have a better reason than “I just called to say hello.”
Obviously, this applies to any day of the year, but even more so on a birthday. Not only is your call bothering me on my birthday, but it looks phony as well. If you sincerely wanted to call to say hello, you wouldn’t have waited until my birthday. The only reason you are calling on my birthday is because you feel guilty or are trying to look like you are a better person than you actually are. If you haven’t spoken to me in a year, calling on my birthday will not seem like a genuine act of friendship. At least a true friend would know that I would rather spend my birthday watching TV or playing ball than making small talk on the phone.

Also, the birthday conversations are always so lame. They usually go something like this:

Annoying Semi-Sincere (ASS) Friend: “Hello, Is General Blie there?”

Me: “Speaking”

ASS: “Happy Birthday. It’s so great to speak to you. It’s been a while.

Me: “I think it’s been about a year.”

ASS: “So what’s new?”

Me: “Nothing much, and you?”

ASS: “Same. How’s law school?”

Me: “This year is pretty much the same as last year.”

ASS: “That sounds so exciting. What classes are you taking?”

Me: “Law”

ASS: “Anything else new this year?”

Me: “Nope. Another year without dying, that’s about it.”

ASS: “Well, Congratulations and Happy Birthday.”

Me: “Thanks.”

ASS: “Tell your wife I said hello?”

Me: “Will do. Um, who is this?”

ASS: “Good one. Very funny. That’s a joke, right?”

Me: “Umm, of course it’s a joke. I’ll tell my wife you called. I gotta go, but send my regards to, umm, everyone. Thanks for calling.”

ASS: “Bye, General Blie”

Me: Click

This is fairly typical of the birthday calls I receive from any person who is not my mother. All these calls are pretty much a waste of my time, so I would appreciate not spending my birthday practicing to be a Time-Life operator.

I would propose a much better system for birthday calls. Instead, of calling people on their birthdays, we should do the opposite. On their own birthdays, people should call whomever they consider friends. This would solve a number of problems. First, it would eliminate the need to remember anyone else’s birthday. Now, the only date you have to remember is your own birthday (which, most of us don’t forget anyway). Second, since you are the one making the calls, this ensures that you are only speaking to actual friends. Third, if you have better things to do, you don’t have to spend your birthday on the phone. Let’s say that you have a big project due the day after your birthday and don’t have time to make your birthday calls. Make the calls the following week. Can a person really get upset if you forgot to give him a call on your own birthday? No more of those lame “Happy Belated Birthday” calls. Fourth, this would eliminate all the useless annoying “just called to say happy birthday” calls. For example, you would look like a jerk if the entire conversation went “Hey, I just called to tell you it’s my birthday.” Instead, this forces you to think of a worthwhile reason for a call, during which you can add “Oh, by the way, it’s also my birthday today,” which makes it sound somewhat less egotistical. Finally, we all know that there will be people like EDS who decide to call the entire phonebook on their own birthdays. There is really nothing you can do to avoid this. Some people will always exploit the system. But, it’s their birthday; you can humor them and have a short conversation. Consider it a birthday gift for these pathetic people. Hey, it’s cheaper than a card.

I think I will begin implementing this system for my own birthday. If anyone doesn’t get a call from me on my birthday – take a hint and don’t call me on yours.

Finally, Happy Birthday, MC Hammer (that’s right, March 30, 1962) – I will be waiting eagerly by the phone for your call.

--General R. Blie

Hallmark

Here is a company that represents all that is wrong with society. This company needs to be destroyed immediately. It fosters and promotes impersonal relationships. It is worse than e-mail.

It is someone’s birthday that you feel compelled to pretend to care about. You need to find some other way besides picking up a phone and calling this person to wish them well on this day of drawing nearer to death. So you decide to write a letter wishing them happy birthday and to tell them how much they mean to you. Or perhaps, you are a guy and it is a guy friend’s birthday, and you are obviously enough to the gay side of the scale where you once again feel necessary to commemorate this momentous occasion with a joke or roast of some kind that you will put in writing and send via snail mail to this ‘friend’.

However, there is no way in hell that you are going to sit down for 5, 10 or even 15 minutes to be creative and write this letter on your own. So instead you drive 2 miles to your nearest Hallmark. If you’re a woman, you spend $1.50 in quarters parking your car to pay for the hour and a half you will waste picking out the “perfect” card for your friend. If you are a guy, you will spend 25 cents on parking for the 42 seconds it will take you to pick out the first card you see that doesn’t have any flowers or gay guys in construction uniforms on the front, and $6.25 to pick up pizza next store to Hallmark. Then you simply read the card (if you are a woman; if you are a man you skip this step), then sign your name to it and send it. This is an acceptable method of commemorating an important event in someone’s life - A piece of decorative cardboard with a message that you could not and did not come up with on your own, like – “Hey man, Happy Birthday, To celebrate how about we go play golf, get drunk with strippers and go home and beat the snot out of your wife for an hour?” Or “Girl, you know you are getting old when you try to blow out the candles and you fart because you’ve lost control of your bodily functions.” Come to think of it those are actually pretty good ideas, but you would never find them in a Hallmark.

How hard could it possibly be to sit down and write out a quick personal note to someone? This is a ridiculous practice. You are basically admitting two things:

1. I do not care about you as much as I pretend to by sending you this card that I bought for $1.35 USA, $1.55 Canada.

2. I am too stupid to come up with anything creative and/or meaningful on my own and therefore must put my signature on someone else’s words.

I cannot stand this socially accepted practice. It irks me to no end. More than half the time when I receive a card from someone it simply says, “Happy Birthday” or “Happy Anniversary” or “Congrats!” Please people. What did you do? You went to Hallmark, looked at a card that says “Happy Birthday” on it, and thought to yourself, “well, when they put it like that it sounds so thoughtful.” “Rather than call and say Happy Birthday, or write a note saying the same, I will pay money and give away my soul to Hallmark in order to satisfy society’s need to know that I sent a card.” DON’T SEND A CARD! I don’t want your friggin card! They are a pain in the ass to open, and more often than not they do not have money inside (though I frantically check each one).

Instead of sending me a card, from now on please send me an envelope with whatever amount of money you planned to spend on a card. This way I can at least buy a soda or use the change to pay for parking next time I need to go buy someone a birthday card.

In conclusion, I assert that Hallmark should be disbanded and destroyed and replaced by a company called “EDS’ Cards and Other Crap for Retards to Spend Money on In Order To Avoid Too Much Personal Contact with the Person They Are Pretending to Care About”. At least this way someone I care about will be getting rich off of society’s obsession with stupidity and acceptance.

Anonymous Lawyer

From General R. Blie

I just wanted to recommend a great blog. www.anonymouslawyer.blogspot.com.

This is a very entertaining blog for any actual or aspiring lawyer.It is written by a partner in a large law firm (I believe in LA). He tells the actual truth. Many posts are sexist (e.g., A lawyer should not get pregnant while practicing). He describes how he abuses associates. (Just for laughs, he told an associate that wearing a beard does not portray the image the firm wants. The next day the associate was clean shaven). The blog has really taken off. Many other lawyers have posted comments, giving their own anecdotes of how they abuse associates and make law firm life miserable.

However, here's the punchline...it turns out, the Anonymous Lawyer is a fake. The Anonymous Lawyer is Jeremy Blachman, currently a 3L at Harvard Law School. He just thought it would be funny to write a blog from thepoint of view of a hiring partner. He based his stuff on typical stereotypes, and was somewhat surprised at how many actual partners wrote comments saying that they did the same exact things.He recently came "out of the closet" and admitted that it was him. First, he was concerned that some pissed off lawyer who was fooled would try to get him disbarred for impersonating a lawyer. Second, to his credit, he decided not to accept a full time offer (although he is still taking the bar). Instead, he turned this blog into a book deal. He won't disclose how much he is getting paid for it. His blog is usually funny and very entertaining.

I assume he will continue posting in order to generate some hype for his book. He also has his own blog, where he posts almost everyday, writing as himself.(www.jeremyblachman.blogspot.com). This one is often just as funny. SinceI know everyone is looking for worthwhile websites to browse during class, I would highly recommend both of these.
And to EDS - I believe I am entitled to a percentage of the proceeds, ifthis blog turns into a book deal.

--General R. Blie

No Food For You!

Irony can be a wildly intriguing and fascinating phenomenon. I don’t usually like to make fun of people in horrible situations – well ok, that’s a lie. Sometimes the entertainment value + the “suffering family’s” retardation value outweigh the value of respect for the victim.

This is clearly the case in the widely publicized Terri Schiavo case. Here is a women who decided she was fat. Not like every other woman who thinks they are fat though. She would lose weight and still think she was fat. Still, I know you women out there are saying – “so what’s the big deal? We all think we are fat.” This is true – and in fact, many of you are correct. But poor Terri got so sick of her “obesity” that she would force herself to throw up after she ate in order to lose more weight. I know, I know – sounds quite disturbing. In fact, this is more popular than you may think. All the stars are doing it these days. Purging is a terrific way to enjoy your meals and keep off weight at the same time.

However, like everything else, purging must be done in moderation. Look at Sharon Osbourne, for example. This is Ozzy’s wife. She has admitted to purging, and though she is getting quite old, still looks amazing for a woman of her age. Thanks to the art of blowing chunks after eating, she has been able to retain a semblance of her youth. This is because she does not puke after every meal, rather she chooses the times carefully. She’s gotten so professional, she does not even need to stick a finger down her throat anymore, she simply vomits on command. This is talent. Where she has excelled in self control and moderation, Terri Schiavo screwed the pooch. She got cocky. She took advantage of a good thing and it bit her in the ass. Well actually it just gave her a heart attack.

Terri’s “nutrition problem” as her family calls it, “Bulimia” as the doctors call it, “eating disorder” as TV shows call it, “F***’d up method of losing weight” as most people call it, caused her body to react in a bad way, and she suffered a heart attack which left her in a “persistent vegetative state” as her family calls it, “on a feeding tube” as the doctors call it, “as an invalid” as TV shows call it, and “a vegetable” as most people call it. Which reminds me of a joke –

What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The Wheelchair.

Man, I love that one. Anyway, poor Terri had a heart attack, which cut off circulation to her brain leaving her in this condition for years. Her husband, by law, is her next of kin. Further, he also claims Terri's wish was not to be on any form of life support or feeding tube. Whatever. He wished to have her feeding tube removed so that he can “move on with the grieving process” as he calls it, “move on with life” as the TV shows call it, “murder Terri and defy G-d” as Terri’s family and Republicans call it, “collect malpractice and insurance rewards” as most people call it. No matter what you call it, and no matter what you believe, this is in fact, by law, his decision. When Terri married him, she put her life into his hands, and he did the same with her. Just because her family is a bunch of conservative, kool-aid drinking maniacs doesn’t change this fact. Though they have tried their damn best to do so.

The family has moved in court numerous times to have the feeding tube replaced, which it was until the decision a few days ago that the husband’s decision is in fact final. Then of course, Congress decided to get involved. They decided that they have not looked enough like asses with the steroid investigation in baseball, no, no, no – they need to now impinge on the husband’s rights, the state’s authority and a court’s decision to promote their conservative view point. This is “politically motivated” as the husband would say, “Congress interfering with state power” as the TV shows say, “justice” as Terri’s wacked out family says, and “complete and utter Bull Sh**” as most people would say.

Anyway, back to how we started – the irony. Here is a woman who spent a good part of her life trying to lose weight. In fact, her obsession with weight loss drove her to Bulimia, and ultimately and nice long stay at a medical institution with tubes providing her proper nutrition. Wait, that’s not the irony. Here is the irony. This same woman who tried so desperately to lose weight, but could not keep a damned piece of food out of her mouth will spend the next week and a half rapidly losing weight as she starves to death. And the bright side? She doesn’t even have to make herself throw up.

For your viewing pleasure, here is a chart provided by MSBC.com to show you exactly how Terri will die. Wonderful, aint it?

My advice to you - keep watching the news. This story will only get more entertaining after she is finally dead. Her family and the husband have reality TV written all over them. I have a feeling they will make the nutty rednecks on Jerry Springer's show look prude and innocent when they argue.

Mountaineers!

This is an official invite to jump on the West Virginia bandwagon. Last chance to get on before the final four.

8th seed in the Big East tourney, 7 seed in the NCAA's - got Texas Tech this weekend to get to the elite 8. These kids play D, shoot and are clutch. Mike Gansey - 19 pts in 2 OT's (that's 19 pts in 10 minutes, in the clutch). Pitsnogle (love that name) posting up and hitting a turn around 3 from the corner. These guys were underrated all year. So again, I offer the last chance to jump on the bandwagon before we drive off.

The Big East has looked horrible losing all its top seeds in the first weekend. WVU and Nova remain, and the truth is, they are probably the best 2 teams in the conference. Not the best players - the best teams. Nova's gonna have trouble because they lost Sumpter with an ACL, and - oh yeah, dont they play Carolina? But the Mountaineers are there baby, so climb aboard for the ride!

The NIT (Nazi in Training)

--"I guess I've always carried a natural admiration for Hitler and his ideals, and his courage to take on larger nations," Weise wrote in one session.--

Just thought this was an interesting quote from a 17 year old who killed 9 people in a high school shooting yesterday afternoon. It's good that they keep tabs on these kids. Well at least we don't have to worry about them putting him to death since he's under 18. This kid has been writing about Nazism and Hitler for years and nobody pays attention to this stuff?

--"They didn't think anything of it," Hegstrom said, but "he got terrorized a lot" by others who called him names.--

They didn't think anything of it? Is this a 'special school'? What is wrong with these people?

Where the hell are this kid's parents? How come they are not doing a better job raising him?

--Relatives of Weise told the St. Paul Pioneer Press that Weise's father committed suicide four years ago, and his mother lives in a Minneapolis nursing home because she suffered brain injuries in a car accident, the relatives said.--

Oh, that's why! There has to be a better way of monitoring situations like this. Also, the school has a metal detector. If they feel that they need a metal detector, then how come they don't feel it's necessary to have someone there who can actually do something if a student comes in with a weapon. The metal detector went off, and this kid blasted his way right through. Terrific.

I still think the court shooting a couple of weeks ago was more impressive and sickening, but this come pretty close. This kid was an apparent freak who got made fun of and lost it. Very cowardly. The guy who ripped off the Deputy's gun in the courtroom, shot 4 people, ran out and stole a car and got away - that was ballsy and admirable. Sickening, yes - but entertaining like a movie.

Put up or Shut up...

No, I have not run out of things to post on. Trust me, plenty of messed up stuff to still talk about. Just been busy lately. I'll get back to it shortly. And to those of you who keep asking for entertainment while at work and school - Lay off! Or write a post and send it to me to put up.

Women's Basketball

Is there anything less entertaining?

These women are always on ESPN doing NCAA girls’ games and they are raving about how great a close game between UCONN and Tennessee is, and wondering why nobody watches it. Here is why: They are not good.

Nobody used to come to my Synagogue Youth League games – you know why? Because all the kids playing in it pretty much sucked. The parents used to come, but that was it. And it wasn’t even both parents. They would take turns so that only one had to sit through that crap at a time. So women’s basketball - stop complaining. The WNBA at least got smart and started marketing the league as a bunch of lesbians playing ball. That got them the only fan base they could expect – Lesbians and a bunch of kids whose fathers did not want to pay full price for an NBA ticket. Hell, I won’t go to an NBA game, I’m gonna go watch a bunch of women throw the ball at the basket? They can’t dunk, they can’t run and they can’t shoot from really far. This is entertaining?

Now, there is no doubt in my mind that a majority of these women players could kick my tuchas in a game - that is not the point. They always look like they are at half speed when they run, wearing weights when they jump, and throwing a shot put when they shoot.

Last night I was watching the NCAA tournament (I do not have to say Men’s, this is assumed), West Virginian defeated Creighton in the first round. The arena was favoring West Virginia. Tie game under a minute left. WVU makes a defensive stop on a partially blocked shot, a WVU player skies high for the ball, throws it up court for a hard slam dunk to take a 2 point lead with 2.4 seconds left – the place erupts in cheers. Men at home with WVU in their brackets are spilling beer jumping up and down at the dunk to take the lead because 30 seconds ago WVU had been down 2 and looked lost. Men with Creighton in their brackets are fuming that the guard did not get back fast enough on defense, and are now on their knees praying for a buzzer beater win for their 10 seed. This is excitement. This is entertainment. This is basketball.

Now imagine a similar scenario in women’s basketball. Under a minute left, a team misses a shot, the other team boxes out and chases down the rebound and throws the ball up court where a girl running at half speed beats another girl running at an even slower speed up court for a lay-up, which she has to slow down for at the end to bank in properly off the glass. Please! This is so anticlimactic. Besides, no one filled out a bracket anyway, and therefore nobody cares about the outcome.
No athleticism = no entertainment. No entertainment = no interest. No interest = no betting. No betting = no stakes. No stakes = no men crying on the floor in disgust or jumping up and down with jubilation at the outcome. The end.

JP’s Random Thoughts

Big Fight on Saturday Night, Bar Courses, March Madness, Drinking on a Monday, and more random thoughts by JP

What do you do when you can’t think of one coherent topic long enough? Well in the age of ADD, you just write a small amount of stuff on random things!

Bar Courses

I too must pay this extortion to take my bar review class. For some reason, mine is less, I only have to pay 2177 instead of 2477. I guess I got the Christian discount. This coincidentally is more than I paid for High School, College and Law School combined. For 2 months of smelling EDS from 9-1, then watching a bunch of flaky losers freak out every day, I have to pay 2 grand. Somehow I think I should be getting paid to take a bar course. Here is why, I will provide at least four hours of entertainment for the people in my class with me. I will barely show up, and when I do, I won’t be paying attention. I will personally see to it that more people freak out and buy more books, thus raising revenue for these companies. How will I do that? By telling these super nervous bobble-heads that the Bar Exam is so tough that I went out and bought a ton of supplements. By pretending I have the inside edge with a private tutor. Basically, making them feel like their life is worthless, but the solution is additional supplements and tutoring. That is what advertising is all about.

Monday Night Drinking

Drinking on a Monday is much like sex with a diseased prostitute, it seems great when you do it, but the next day you are in a world of pain. After 5 screwdrivers to either fall asleep or go back to sleep, I thought I would wake up refreshed and ready to conquer the world. Instead I woke up with a really bad f***ing headache. Word to the wise, no matter how much your roommates say you’ll be fine in the morning, you won’t be. Especially when you got work the next day. Right now if someone offered me a cup of orange juice, I’d throw it at them. No wait, I’d throw it at their mother and kick the guy in the nuts. The only solution to a hangover is simple, lots of sleep, a greasy meal, and a day of doing nothing. I deserve a Nobel science prize for inventing the hangover cure. I am my own lab rat on this one too. Lemme give you a case in point on how well this works. 2 weeks ago, I go out for a night of bar hopping. I had about 12 beers, 3 screwdrivers, and 3-4 assorted shots. I don’t get home till about 4:30am. I pass out watching some gay-ass movie. I had to be at school by 10am. So I had virtually no sleep. At this point, you have to tailor your greasy meal accordingly. I had to up the intake here, so I had 2 breakfast sandwiches instead of one. Plus a donut or two. And coffee. And water. Now, this morning, I slept 9 hours, so my greasy meal will be less. Maybe just pancakes and bacon.

March Madness

I hate college sports. The idea these idiots have to play for free for some college I have no affiliation to, does not appeal to me. However, for one month of the year, I become a big college basketball fan. I stopped doing pools, because I have never finished any better than last. But I have a perennial favorite, Duke. Unless SJU is in it (hahaha, them being good enough to field a team in the NCAA tourney every again), Duke is my default team to win. But my favorite games to watch are the 15’s versus the 2 seeds. Those are usually the best first round games. I don’t know much about this Illinois team, however on ESPN this weekend, they kept acting like the coach’s mom dying was the equivalent of the prez being shot. I don’t wish ill will on anyone, but I hope they don’t win, just because I don’t want a teary shot of this guy after the game. Instead I want Coach K with his hands on 2 ghetto b*tches as my pan out shot.

Women

As Norm Peterson said, “Women, can’t live with them, pass the beernuts.” Some of my friends have gotten on my case because it has been about 3 months since I broke up with my ex, and I have not shown the slightest interest in meeting a new one. First here is my theory on exes, which I have now proven definitely. Getting back with an Ex is like having a spoiled container of milk. You drink it, you gag, you say, this is no good. But instead of throwing it out, you put it back in the fridge. About a month or so later, you open the fridge, and take a sip of the spoiled milk, expecting it to be better again. All I will say is, it gets much much worse. I would like to say I don’t have time for women, but that’s not true. I just don’t feel like devoting the brain power to it. Women are like a defective computer. You go to write “what a beautiful day to go to the beach,” and instead of writing that it says, “I would like to go to the beach to show my girl how fat she really is.” You go to write, “Happy Birthday, I was going to buy you roses but the florist was out, here are some nice tulips.” The computer interprets that as, “I forgot your birthday.” I just can’t take women. They are like an oppressed class of people, that when you give them an inch, they take a mile. So now I would rather entertain myself with the high quality internet movies I have, and be asexual to the world. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy staring at a set of melons more than the next guy; I am just not going to do anything about it for a while.

Big Fight on Saturday

If you are a boxing fan, a sports fan, hell, if you have a set of working testicles between your legs, you have to see Erik “El Terrible” Morales fight Manny Pacquiao. This is going to be a blood and guts war. Mexico versus the Phillipines. These guys are sluggers, brawlers, and most of all could care less how they look when the fight is over. I have been creaming in my pants since the fight was announced (now you see where the misguided thoughts on women are leading me?). Quite simply, if you are not a boxing fan, you will be after this fight. Yeah it does cost a couple of beans on PPV, but it’ll be the best money you’ve spent in a while. Because while these two are going to be beating the jesus out of each other, you will also be left exhausted and breathless after this war. Order now!

Alright I gotta go pay this offensive fee to spend my mornings in summer school.

Blogathon...

Dear Faithful Readers:

My balance is due today for the bar review course this summer, and it is a whopping $2,427.63 - absolutely killer. Any donation would be appreciated.

I am looking for donations from the group to support this blogger. I started it about 4 weeks ago and am looking for a bunch of $400 donations (STRETCH?) to commemorate that number.

If you donate:
$50- you will receive an email with a personalized thank you note.
$100 - you will receive the above, as well as a copy of Black's Law dictionary.
$200 - you will receive the above, as well as an unused Real Estate Transactions Book and an unused Mass Media Law Book.
$500 - you will receive the above, as well as a free 2 week subscription to Lexis Nexis.
$1000 - you will receive the above, as well as a date with JP.
$2427.63 - you will receive the above, as well as a date with JP's ex-girlfriend.

If you want to honor somebody, or dedicate to someone special, it can be announced in an psot on this site by me. If donations do not come in, I will start an auction. Perhaps a day spent with me in law school; or a pool party at Uncle Joel's with 20 friends, and use of the BBQ (thanks Uncle Joel), will be auctioned off to help raise this money.

I thank you in advance for your generosity.

EDS

NCAA Tourney

If you are an NCAA basketball fan - and I do not mean women's basketball, this makes me want to tear my eyes out - perhaps an upcoming post on this topic... Anyway, if you are an NCAA MEN'S basketball fan, check out Noyam's bracket challenge and feel free to participate.

Here is the link: The Noy G Show Bracket Challenge

Apology

Dear Readers,

As you both might have realized, I have not posted in a while. This is because I have spent the last week or so, and will spend the next couple of days BSing my way through this entire semester. Basically, the way it works is that in order for me to be able to have the free time I have had all semester long requires a week or two of actual work.

Well, I wouldn't really call it actual work. More like doing enough to get by. Be that as it may, it require my time spent not paying attention in class to write a paper and prepare an oral presentation for class next week. Usually class is my posting time. Therefore, you suffer and I apologize.

It is at this time that I appeal to you for some guest posts to entertain during my brief hiatus. If you have something you would like to post and know my email address, please send it to me. If you do not have my email address simply post it as a comment to this and I will turn it into a post, if it's worthy.

I hope to be back to posting regularly towards the end of the week. Unless of course I am sitting in class and something hits me that just cannot wait, then of course I will post immediately.

- EDS

JP's Top 10 TV Characters

While I should be working on any one of 3 papers I have due in a month or a hypothetical due Thursday, I think I have something more important to write. I was watching some of my favorite TV Show ever before, and I thought, with all these lists around, why not make one of the 10 best TV characters? Keep in mind, these are the 10 best of shows I have seen that I like. There will be no Ally McBeals on this list, and I don’t even think we will get even one female on this list. Let’s face facts, women don’t make interesting tv characters. Except for Bada Bing Strippers. Unlike movie characters that you can get to know for only 2 hours, a TV character is someone you watch evolve over years, in anywhere from 50-200 episodes depending on the show. So without further ado, I present the JP Top Ten TV Characters.

My criteria are as follows: entertainment value, the amount I relate to the character and real-life placement. Meaning, could this person really exist if they were yanked from the TV and put in the real world. You may notice a lot from the same TV shows, but hey, there are only so many characters and shows I can actually sit through. No reality show people, these have to be acted parts, or at least, a non reality show character.

So here we go, feel free to add your thoughts:

10. Briscoe from Law and OrderI love this guy. He is the definition of what a detective should be. Grizzled, quick with the one-liners, law and order is not the same without him. He had his demons, he alludes to a drinking problem, but he is a take no BS kind of guy, and you can appreciate him. He is also by the book, and awesome at interrogations. I deal with cops on a daily basis, and none of them can light a match to Briscoe. In fact, they should all go down to Orbach’s grave and pray that God could make them half the detective this dude was on TV. He’d be higher on the list, but his character is a bit unbelievable, you know, a cop who doesn’t just half-ass it.

9. Zack Morris-Saved by the BellI think Zack Morris is who every guy wishes he was in high school. Always scheming, didn’t care, hot girlfriend, and despite bad grades, he got a 1502 on his SAT’s. Not the funniest guy, but he made an otherwise stupid Saturday morning show interesting. His greatest feats include shacking up with every girl on the show, getting into Yale, and marrying Kelly Kapowski.

8. Bobby McDonnel-The PracticeLook, there have been a lot of TV Lawyers, from Perry mason to Matlock to the dudes on law and order. But nobody had the cross-examination skill and the awesome closings that Bobby did. Since I wanna be a trial lawyer, I had to put one on the list. He is a little unbelievable as a character, because no real life lawyer is as polished as him, until I pass the bar.

7. Homer SimpsonI love Homer. He makes me laugh. Best Simpsons’ character. However, he would never exist in real life, or, if he did, he wouldn’t be as funny. You’d probably call him a schmuck and a deadbeat. But still, he the main character on one of TV’s longest running shows. Just think of all the classic episodes that he has been part of(Incredible Homer, Medical Marijuana one, just to name 2). You know if the Simpsons are on, Homer’s gluttony and incompetence will have you laughing for the whole show.

6. George JeffersonGeorge was my TV character when I was a little kid. I don’t know if I should’ve watched a show about a black guy calling every white guy honky, but boy was it funny. George represents more than just a successful black man on the rise, he represents every man who ever had a small dream make it big. This guy was insulting, cunning, and most of all, respected nobody. I never understood why a rich guy with a deluxe apartment in the sky was always upset, but it made for great TV.

5. Paulie WalnutsAlright, here is where it starts getting top heavy with one show. Paulie Walnuts is the Prince of One Liners. There is no depth to his character, he is just a straight up gangster, but incredibly goofy. While Tony may be the star, the banter between Paulie and Christopher is the highlight of the show. When Paulie stole an espresso pot from a Starbucks in Season 1, I was hooked. Instead of talking up Paulie, lemme convince you with his dialogue:
Christopher: We shoulda stopped at Roy Rogers.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: Yeah and I shoulda F***’d Dale Evans but I didn't.
Silvio tells Paulie to say nothing while he’s talking to a Jewish hotel manager:
Paulie: F*** that, this is how I say nothing" (proceeds to beat him round the head with the bell on the counter)
Paulie talking to Tony:"Hey, snakes were f***ing themselves long before Adam and Eve showed up, T""The amazing thing about snakes, they reproduce spontaneously""They have both male and female sex organs. That's why somebody you don't trust, you call a snake. How can you trust a guy who can literally go f*** themselves?"
Enough said.

4. Uncle JuniorUncle Junior reminds me of every wiseass perverted old Italian man I know. And he is the funniest guy in TV history. Some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth makes me literally piss in my pants. Just look at him. Bald, big glasses, looks like a feeble old man that you cut off in traffic. The type of guy you roll your eyes at when he is griping about the price of grapes. Yet he is the most dangerous person on the show. Sure Tony controls him, but he is the de facto boss. He tells off the FBI, he is on trial for murder and can only think about his early bird special. He is entertaining, I can see myself in him when I am 70, and most of all, if you put him in the real world, he would fit in, just see every little old men hanging out at the Knights of Columbus center.

3. Tony Micelli- Who’s the BossWhat?! A cheesy 80’s character at number 3? A male housekeeper at that? Tony wasn’t that funny, and his character would never exist in real life, and I certainly do not relate to him. But aye oh, oh aye, there is no denying he makes a show about 3 silly women, one gay 7 yr old bearable to watch. He does the right thing for his daughter, moving out of Brooklyn to live with rich white people. He is a complete idiot, yet in the end he bags a super rich WASP. I bet he was bagging Mona on the side. But he brought to the forefront the idea of a middle class guinea making it, and well, he reminds me of all my cousins who dream of making it big the honest way. Until they go out and steal little children’s piggybanks and then get caught.

2. George Costanza/Larry DavidI include George and Larry David as one character, because well, Costanza was based on Larry David, and both are equally funny and entertaining. I relate most to these two guys, why, because they always say inappropriate things, they are always scheming, and they both hate artificial fake situations. I used to be told by people how I remind of them George, and I don’t know if that’s a compliment. But let’s face it, Seinfeld should’ve been called Costanza, because if it wasn’t for him, the show would’ve been cancelled after season 1.

1. Tony SopranoThe walking paradox. The true man of excess and hypocrisy. With the exception of the murders and the banging of anything that moves, there is a little of Tony Soprano in all of us. He lies so much you forget what is the truth and what is fiction. He beats up people for banging his ex, then he turns around and bangs Ralphies ex. He tells Walnuts nobody touches Ralphie, prevents Ralphie from getting clipped for murdering a stripper, and for insulting both Ginny Sack and Walnuts’ mother, yet he kills him over a horse. You gotta love Tony. He is the true Alpha male. Not to mention, at the rate I am going at, I will look like him in 10 years. There has never been a more complex TV character, in fact, it’s easy to know someone like him exists, you just gotta look at yourself.Despite that, he is one funny mutha, this guy has the best lines.

For instance:I'm like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to sh**.
The dean of a college that Meadow is applying to is asking Tony for a 10000$ donation]
Carmela Soprano: I think you should pay him, Tony.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No f***ing way.
Carmela Soprano: What, your daughter's future isn't worth 10000 dollars?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's not it. That motherf***er's full of s***. He's shaking me down.
Carmela Soprano: No, he's not.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, yeah? Who knows more about extortion, me or you?

There's an old Italian saying: you f*** up once, you lose two teeth.

[Uncle Junior just told Tony he had a mentally handicapped uncle]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I remember my mother and my mother arguing about... something, I don't know. I remember her talking about my father's feeble-minded brother, but I thought she meant you
And finally, one of my favs: Ariel: For 2 years, 900 Jews held their own against 15000 Roman Soldiers, in the Massada. They wouldn't give up. Where are the Romans now, huh?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're looking at them, a**hole.

Feel free to comment on this list... JP...

Reality TV Could be Entertaining If…

Last night I got stuck watching parts of ‘American Idol’. I only like this show the first few weeks when people’s dreams get crushed because for some reason they think they have talent, when in reality they sound like a wounded elephant after the poachers ran away with his tusks. The William Hung project was my idea first, they just stole it.
My wife was watching, however, and the game I wanted to watch was still early in the first half, so I waited it out rather than switching to the bedroom.

Of course, while I was watching, thoughts on how to improve the show and other reality TV shows popped into my head. I figured I would share some in the hopes that you will share some of yours as well.

‘American Idol’ – My first idea was for a new ‘American Idol’ show. This one would be for people with Tourette's Syndrome. Now I am not making fun of people with this horrible disease, but come on, how funny would it be to have a bunch of people out there on stage trying to sing and interrupting themselves with profanities every minute or so. I know it is cold and mean – but honestly – you would watch and you would be entertained, so you’re just as evil as I am.

‘Survivor’ – this is a show I’ve actually never seen, so I cannot rightfully judge it and I will not. From the millions of commercials I’ve seen, I gather it has to do with people finding unique ways to outlast each other in different areas of the world each season. I won’t doubt that this could be entertaining. But what if there was death and serious injury involved? What if people really had to survive? What if people actually gave up, not because they are lesser men, or spoiled girls from LA, but because they gave into the fear of possible impalement? I’ve seen some of the tasks they have to perform on previews, they’re physically challenging, no doubt. But are they really causing one to survive? I don’t think so. They are merely outlasting each other in different physical challenges. The show should be called Outlast, not Survivor. The guy who cut his arm off to save his life when he got stuck under a boulder was a survivor.

Someone who jumps out of a plane without a parachute and tries to catch up to the person who jumped with a parachute is ballsy. Now if that person who jumped with the parachute is trying to avoid the one without the parachute in order to win and move on… or survive…(are we following now)… that’s a competition with real entertainment value. A mid-air fight over one parachute. The possibilities are endless. Well not endless, but there is a high possibility of injury and/or death – this is entertaining. Now I know this may be hard on the stomach, which is why I propose using prison inmates the first season. This would help soften the blow on the American public before we move on to the citizens of the State of California.

‘Fear Factor’ – Please! There is not one episode of this that I’ve watched where I thought to myself, “Wow! I’d really be scared to do that.” Maybe if they didn’t spend so much time showing the viewer all the safety precautions taken to ensure against injury there could be some excitement. Eating bugs and crap is gross, but not scary. Be a man, scarf it down, go back to your room and make yourself throw up. The Olson twins do it multiple times a day and that’s about the only part of their lives they haven’t made a show out of – because it’s just not entertaining enough. Most of the so called stunts on this show actually look kind of fun – but they do not instill fear.

Fear is defined as a feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger. Imminent danger – the words themselves make me shudder. That’s what ‘Fear Factor’ needs to be about. Come to think of it, it could be very similar to Survivor, but without the element of competition. Simply a couple of people facing true, imminent danger - and us the viewer, hanging on every second to see if they make it. Come to think of it, the viewer should get a vote – kind of like the old gladiator system where the arena would erupt into a chant of ‘live’ or ‘die’. The show could be done live. Throw a couple of sorry bastards (preferably steroid enhanced ex-baseball players, or hockey players – they’re not doing much these days anyway) into a ring with lions and other crap. Then from the comfort of my sofa I, along with millions of viewers can simply press #555 on my mobile phone and vote as to whether each contestant lives or dies. If America votes for you to live – you win. Not a prize, though. You just get to live to the next week. You are competing for the ultimate purpose, to entertain the crowd. You, my friend are a true gladiator. Congratulations - watch out for the big retarded kid we let out of the mental institution with a chainsaw, he’s coming at you fast.

‘My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss’ – This show was perfect. I don’t know why it got pulled. It was everything I ever wanted in a reality show. Uppity, holier than thou, pretentious, cliché-using pricks from rich suburban areas (with a couple of token minorities) being tricked big time. They are caught taking things way too seriously, and are thoroughly embarrassed over and over again on national TV. Whoever pulled that show should be forced to compete in the new gladiator version of ‘Fear Factor’. "Get the HELL out of my office."

‘The Real World’ – this is not the real world. This is a bunch of spoiled kids living in a house together playing games and sleeping around. The real world would be watching how these kids screwed up their lives enough to get to a point where they resort to living in a house with a bunch of other losers who couldn’t find a job after college. Perhaps the real world would be watching one of them being beaten by his father for not getting an A on a test in 4th grade and then seeing him drinking in college instead of going to class because he was rebelling against authority. The real world would be seeing a girl not being allowed to go out till she is 18 by her overprotective parents and then seeing her waking up in a frat house 2 weeks into college after a keg party. The real world would be watching the kid who’s dream was to be a college athlete not get any scholarship offers, go to city college instead and give up athletics. Then watch him dive deeply into drugs and alcohol, come out of the closet, and then apply to be on an MTV show because he’s got no other purpose in life. That would be the real world, and entertaining television.

‘The Apprentice’ – See ‘My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss’ above to see how this show should be run.

Anyway, that’s some of the things I would change. If you have any ideas feel free to add them in….

Yes, it is derogatory…

Dear [circle one - ignorant/ultra-religious/socially-inept/living in a vacuum/ all of the above] people:

I have an update for you. A story came to my attention that irked me enough to write this. If there are other terms you feel should be added to the list, please help educate our ignorant public by adding a comment to this post.
There are certain phrases or terms used today in different circles that are not acceptable. People sometimes don’t know and sometimes don’t care. Either way, it bothers me, so stop.

Shvartza – is the Yiddish word for the color black. However, it is often used to describe a black person. A note to all you extremely religious and pious people who think it is ok to use this term in public and as a general reference to a black person – IT IS DEROGATORY!

I know where you learned the word. Your grandparents and great-grandparents like to talk about the shvartzas that moved in down the block with their loud music and baggy clothes. They were not just saying shvartza to describe the people; it is their way of saying the ‘N’ word. Now, I am not a champion of PC as you may well know from my post on the topic, but some things are just inexcusable. Hateful terms used to spread hate, or even in ignorance drive me nuts. So all you people out there that just repeat this word and use it in your everyday language – it is not acceptable. If somebody called you a kike in a different language, you would not appreciate it, trust me – it has happened to me.

The ‘N’ word – there is one place when this is allowed - That is when a black person uses it (generally during a basketball game in the park when yelling at a white kid for not passing the ball). Nonetheless, it does not matter how many times a black guy calls you (a white suburban Jewish kid) by the ‘N’ word, you are not to repeat it back – ever! Trust me I may be saving your life. I saw a Hispanic guy do it in the park once during a basketball game; it was not a comfortable situation. Don’t thank me - I’m just trying to help.

“Oh so your parents probably just give you money, right?” – NO! this is the worst of all, and I can’t tell you how many time I’ve heard it. Just because I’m a Jewish kid from Long Island does not mean my parents write me a check every month for rent and expenses (though I’m not saying I would say no if they wanted to). It amazes me that people assume this right off the bat. Some people work their asses off, even if they are from Long Island. You are insulting someone if you approach them with this phrase. I’d rather be called a ‘Jewboy’ – this way at least I can start a fight instead of just walking around pissed off.

‘Boy’ – This was a term used by slave-owners before the civil war to refer to their slaves. This may in fact be more derogatory than the ‘N’ word. Yet people use this term constantly as a type of street-talk or slang. It is not cool. If you have a slave, then you can call him boy. If you do not – please refrain from using this term. You think it sounds harmless? Go to Mississippi for a day and listen to the people there talk to and about black people – you will never use the term again.

Hubcaps – Not ALL Puerto Ricans steal hubcaps. Some of them just sell the stolen hubcaps. It’s a much safer job. Less risk. I’m kidding. But you see? This kind of comment is ok for a number of reasons: 1. I’m not racist. 2. It’s made in a joking fashion. 3. It does not incite others to hate. 4. It merely pokes fun at a ridiculous stereotype.

(See AA+PC=BS for more on Political Correctness) and feel free to add to this list. It is just a start.

In Defense of Video Games

Contributed by JP...

I was watching 60 minutes last night, and they had a special on how some schmuck in Alabama went into a police station, mowed down three officers and then stole a cop car. The schmuck is blaming playing video games, specifically Grand Theft Auto 3 Vice City. That wooden Indian Ed Bradley, was sitting there, making it sound like GTA3 is the devil here. Some douchebag attorney has brought suit against Take2, the producers of GTA3, Sony, the makers of Ps2, Walmart and GameStop. They called, get this, GTA3 a murder simulator. A training ground for homicidal maniacs. What really struck me was the lawyers statement, that “But For the video games, the murders would never have taken place.”

To which I say, fu-- that sh**. I am all for going after deep pockets and suing people who have done wrong, but sometimes you gotta take a stand and say no mas. And this is a situation where my brethren in the legal world have gone too far. What happened to the 3 officers was tragic. GTA3 and its 2 sequels are very violent and gory. But I fail to see some correlation to how the video game or any video game could cause a murder.

What pisses me off is some jerk trying to put the blame for his actions somewhere else. Look, I have played video games for 2-3 days straight, like this kid did. But I never had a homicidal impulse. But now because some schmuck blames a video game for his killing spree and some lawyer is buying it and suing the video game industry, the people who will suffer is the video game consumer. The gaming industry is probably going to tailor their future games so that they could avoid potential liability.

I have had a long love affair with video games. I got my first Nintendo at 6, a Sega Genesis at 12, a PS1 at 18, and a PS2 at 22. When I broke my ankle, all I did was read, watch TV, and play hours and hours of Grand Theft Auto 3. Video Games, like television and music is pure entertainment. It is interactive entertainment, and in my opinion it is the best stay at home activity for one person. The GTA series is quite possibly the best series of video games ever. To now attack it because of its violent nature and try to claim it caused this guy to kill people is so absurd, that the judge should crumple up the complaint and use it for toilet paper.

What makes someone kill 3 people is not video games or subliminal message in heavy metal music, but a depraved existence. A poor upbringing. Utter Stupidity. My recommendation is to restrict stupid people’s access to everything, from guns, to video games and sterilize them. At the age of 12, give people an IQ test, and if they fail, they get sterilized, and put on a restricted list. Look, this world needs ditch diggers, but we don’t need retards causing problems, and certainly not taking the fun out of me blowing up small cities at 3am.

The Rivalry Renewed?

As Baseball season finally and thankfully approaches, the excitement is in the air. Pro-basketball sucks, college basketball is swinging into high-gear but will be over before we know it. Hockey...well, we all know the deal with that. Arena League Football doesn't really cut it. Bottomline, most of us set our sports calendar by the 162 regular season and hopefully many extra post-season games our teams will play. In the spirit of Spring Training and the greatest sport ever...
Overly Excited Baseball Fan, AJS was eager to start up the debate - here are his thoughts...

There is almost no argument that the Yankees and Red Sox are the greatest rivalry in sports today, and perhaps even history. However, I would like to take a more in-depth look at these two teams and see if this should in fact even be classified as a rivalry.

A rival is defined as:
1. One who attempts to equal or surpass another, or who pursues the same object as another; a competitor.

2. One that equals or almost equals another in a particular respect.

Using definition 1, Boston may in fact be a rival of the Yankees. Boston is constantly trying to equal and surpass the Yankees. In 2004, they were finally able to reach their goal. From 1918-2004, they were in fact a rival and will always be as a result of them being in the same division and competing year after year for the division title and the playoff birth that comes with it.

Using the second definition, I think there is room for saying that there is in fact no rivalry. Since becoming the Yankees in 1901, the Yankees have won 26 World Series titles, 39 American League pennants and 14 East Division titles. The Boston Red Sox, over that same time period, won 6 World Series titles (only 1 since 1918), 11 American League Pennants and 5 Division titles.

When looking at these stats, the Red Sox do not in fact rival the Yankees. They do not equal or even come close to equaling the Yankees. A true rivalry would have been the Red Sox and the Chicago Cubs. They had equaled each other in their inability to win a World Series.

However, as is true with all sports, statistics don’t always tell the whole story. What does in fact make the Yankees and Red Sox not just a rivalry but the greatest rivalry is that we don’t look at the last 100 years every time they play. Yes, we Yankee fans chanted 1918 for years and yes, the Red Sox fans will remind the Yankees that it has been 5 years since they one but these aren’t important. It is the fact that every game and every move between the 2 of these teams has to be matched or topped by the other team. The Red Sox get Schilling, and the Yankees get Big Unit. The Red Sox try and get A-Rod, the Yankees go out and get him.

Additionally, each game has to be looked at individually because it seems that no matter what place the teams are in the standings, each game is like a game 7 of the world series. Whether it be Jeter diving 3 rows deep and cutting his face, Schilling pitching with a dead person attached to his ankle or Grady Little (I think Andy Reid looks a lot like him) not knowing how to manage a game 7, each game creates a certain level of excitement and challenge that was not present in the last game.

It is these individual efforts and storylines that cause everyone to watch these games and the intensity level to be as high as it is. The bean ball fights and throwing of old coaches is a carryover of these emotions. No rivalry will ever match the Yankees vs the Red Sox. -AJS

Things That Made Me Cry…

Now I’m not usually such an emotional person, and even if I was, I wouldn’t tell you. I don’t cry in public or at movies – I’m simply too masculine for that, or too insecure, however you call it. I did not cry at my wedding, nor did I cry when the Challenger exploded. There are a few times though, where emotions overtook me, and I did in fact shed tears. I am not ashamed though. Here is the list of some of the things that made me cry:

- David Cone’s perfect game…

- ‘Hoosiers’…

- Thurman Munson dying – and I wasn’t even born yet. I watched the Yankeeography…

- ‘Field of Dreams’…

- ‘John Q.’ – I don’t to this day know why this of all regular non-sport movies got to me. ‘Hoosiers’ and ‘Field of Dreams’ make sense, baseball catch with dad, dramatic underdog victory under all kinds of adversity – that’s emotional stuff. Some kid needing a heart transplant… I don’t know what came over me…This one embarrasses me slightly…

- Bryce Drew – twice. This may fit into Noyam’s theory on the emotional pull of the father-son relationship to a guy. As he says, women do not understand this (see ‘Field of Dreams’, ‘Hoosiers’, Valparaiso, and hey – ‘John Q.’ – sweet vindication, I am not queer)…

- Watching the replay of the 1980 US defeat of Russia in Olympic hockey. Not the movie ‘Miracle’, the actual replaying of the game itself...

- When that high school kid’s grandfather was murdered, the kid went out and scored 61 points (grandpa’s age at death) the next game in his honor. The kid hit 61 early enough to exit the game mid-4th quarter. Oh, did I mention that kid is Chris Paul, Wake Forest Star and a player of the year candidate…

- When my 1 and half year old son came into the living room while I was watching the Eagles play the Falcons in the playoffs and pointed to the TV and said “Football” for the first time…

I guess some things just get to a guy… What made you cry?

Death Penalty, General R. Blie…

For my view on the over/under 18 issue, see my comment on The Noy G Show. However, I wanted to use this comment to explain my view of the death penalty in general.

My basic view is that I am all for the death penalty. God was for it (see The Bible by God). He (yes, He) even wanted the death penalty to be pretty gruesome, not some sort of wimpy lethal injection. The only question is - who should get it?

The answer is simple - anyone who is convicted to life without parole should be killed. The basic reason that a person has a "right" to live is that he can contribute to society. Not that the person must contribute, but he has the potential to contribute to society. Once a person is spending the rest of his life in jail with no chance of getting out, he no longer can contribute to society in any meaningful way. By definition, prison removes him from society. As such, he is just deadweight (no pun intended).

If a person will never be paroled, why should I (as a taxpayer) pay for him to remain alive? Paying taxes is an investment in government. If the government supports this person in jail, where is the return to the taxpayer. (Almost every other government spending can potentially provide a return. Even welfare, arguably, which gives the poor money, provides the taxpayer a return by making the poor less likely to steal from a taxpayer to get that money.) Simply, anyone convicted to life without parole should, instead, be put to death. Once they are buried, they are no longer a burden on the taxpayer.

The most common liberal argument against this logic is that death "costs" more than life in prison. Thats a bunch of crap. First, even under the current system, this is a debatable point. In addition, there is a simple reform that easily makes the death penalty cheaper - corporate sponsorship. Beheadings were a major attraction in France. Hangings always brought capacity crowds. Modern day executions could easily get Super Bowl sized ratings on television, especially if they get creative. I am sure Ford would pay millions to have some murderer be forced to suck on a tailpipe. Imagine how much Orville Redenbacher would pay to have someone holding a bag of popcorn on the electric chair. Under this system, a handful of executions would pay for the entire penal system (and maybe even social security).

This system would be great fun for the whole family. They could even have some sort of American Idol type of interactive event, where the viewers vote on the type of death. (In fact, I wish American Idol let us vote on whether to kill the singer. If they did, Clay would have definitely beat Ruben.)

In summary, instead of using taxpayer money to keep prisoners with no hope of parole in already overcrowded jails, the government should publicly execute them and raise money at the same time by offering corporate sponsorships. [Note: this argument is just as valid for a 16 year old as a 80 year old. There is no reason to go into the type of distinctions the Supreme Court is worried about.]--General R. Blie

You're Under 18 - Will Be Doing Only Time…

Below is my comment to a friend's blog. Here is the link – The Noy G Show - take a read (Post is titled - The U.S. is One of 5 Countries on Earth).

Quick Synopsis for those too lazy to click the link –
“The Supreme Court decided that the United States will no longer execute criminals who committed capital offenses when they were under the age of 18. The majority decision gave three reasons for its holding. First, the rest of the world is against it. Second, the majority of the country is against it. Third, juveniles are psycholigically unready to be accountable on a capital level for their crimes.” Noyam’s post argues against this holding and I support his argument.

My Comment:
I'm actually extremely pissed off about this recent decision because there were a lot of people I wanted to kill in high school. Retrospectively, now that I could not be put to death for it, regardless of how sane, mature, psychologically stable and premeditated my actions were, I would've gone on a major killing spree before my 18th birthday.You think Lee Malvo was bad? Ha! I'm a ton smarter than that no-balls, trunk hiding degenerate. I could have thought things through, and lasted a ton longer on the streets. I could've wiped out most of my enemies without slipping up. I could have researched victims, planned each killing decided whether or not torture was necessary, hid bodies, etc... And because I was a day or so before my 18th birthday, I could have stayed alive to reap the book benefits. I could have spent all day watching ESPN in jail (actually not much different than my law school life). If only I would have known...

There is no way that you can convince me there is a logical and legal maturity and mental capability difference between a killer who is 18 to the day, and a killer on the day before his 18th birthday - yet this is what the Supreme Court effectively decided. This opens the floodgates for making other such blanket decisions on psychological capabilities and perhaps that can be a future post. I argue that there cannot be a cutoff like this, it needs to be a case-by-case decision as Noyam mentions. It needs to go to the jury. They need to decide based on evidence whether the killer can be put to death.

I am interested in hearing other opinions on this matter…

Top Ten List of Non-Sport, Sport Movies:

In sticking with the recent theme of movie lists, specifically sports related movies – I have come up with a list that fits the category that has been under debate. This list takes into account not just the greatness of the movie, but also the relationship to, and significance of the sport portrayed. In other words, number 2 or 3 is not necessarily a better movie than number 7 or 8, it may be a combination of the movie and the significance of sport. (The idea is to leave it open to argument and encourage some debate).
This list looks to capture the movies that involve significant incorporation of sports, yet cannot truly qualify as actual sports movies. It’s a good thing we have a bunch of law students on here to sort out that language and its application, so here goes… Feel free to comment on any or all of these with additions, subtractions and/or counter-arguments.

1. ‘Caddy Shack’ – one of the funniest movies ever. Under debate as to whether it is an actual Sports Movie. If it’s not, it obviously tops this list and many others.

2.‘Jerry Maguire’ – This is perhaps the best relationship/date movie ever. It has everything a guy wants and everything a girl wants – It’s got relationship crap, but also nudity and sex. It’s got sports, but also looks at the life of a pro-athlete from a family perspective as well. It’s got hard-hitting football scenes, but also the wife’s reaction to her husband getting the crap knocked out of him. It is really as close to a perfect movie as I’ve ever seen. Hey, your friends won't even call you gay if you like this movie.

3. ‘The Hurricane’ – terrific movie, better song – not about the boxing, but about the life and story.

4. ‘Finding Forrester’ – very good movie, not enough ball to be a sports movie, but definitely incorporates the ball. Another similar movie might be ‘O’ – in fact it might even be a better movie, nah, probably not.

5. ‘Blue Crush’ – honestly don’t remember the plot, except there were a bunch of girls in bikinis surfing a lot and I think I may have watched it three times in two days.

6. ‘The Big Lebowski’ – this is a great movie, hysterical. Has bowling, but it is not about the bowling, so it is definitely not a sports movie. “Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not Mr. Lebowski. You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.” - Priceless. King Pin would fit in this category as well, but a level down.

7. This one might actually be closer to a sports movie, but I can’t decide. ‘Johnny Be Good’. This is about the college recruiting process, not actual football, so I would not qualify it as an actual Sports Movie. That’s why it makes this list instead. (This movie was decent, but by no means a great movie, but I was desperate, and it was an interesting and exaggerated perspective of the recruiting process).

8. This is one you’d probably never think of. ‘Fight Club’. Hey – street fighting is a sport - fight club - that’s like an organized league. This is a fantastic movie, and if I had the chutzpah, I’d put this on my list of actual sports movies, but alas, I am a wuss. On that note, the way Antonio Banderas wipes out Mexicans in ‘Desparado’ looks a lot like sport as well, but let’s not get carried away. Now that I think about it – how is ‘Gladiator’ not a sports movie? It is the essence of sports, the creation of professional sports. It has to be on the actual sports list.

9. ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ – ninja is definitely sport and this is a terrific movie. Perhaps one of my fondest childhood memories was watching this movie on family vacation in Florida with my father and brother and giving ‘high threes’ for a week after.

10. ‘Back to School’ – the great Rodney Dangerfield goes back to college. Very funny movie, sub-plot involves Dangerfield’s son’s venture into the world of team diving on the college level. Seriously, I had a really hard time coming up with a tenth. Feel free to fill one in. I thought about ‘Ladybugs’, another Dangerfield movie, but about girls’ soccer, then I realized it was boring.

Honorable mention –
- ‘Out Cold’ (I think that’s what it’s called). This movie is not widely known, but it made me laugh out loud. It was marketed as the modern-day ski/snowboard version of ‘Animal House’ – not quite, but hysterical nonetheless.
- ‘Animal House’ – there is one scene where Boon and Otter practice their golf swings off of Niedermeyer’s helmet. This is so far-removed from sports, granted. But since it is the greatest movie ever, the combination of its movie greatness plus its very insignificant sports use bumps it into honorable mention. Not really. I just love that movie.
- ‘Harry Potter’ does not make this list – but as soon as they make a movie about steroid-taking monstrosities playing Quidditch, it’s going right to the top of the list.

Your comments please…

General R. Blie's Worst Sports Movies Ever...

Before I begin, I would just like to add a number of honorable mentions in the good sports movie category (thanks to the people who submitted comments for reminding me of some of these):
Ali, Days of Thunder, Dodgeball, Karate Kid, Pride of the Yankees, The Scout, The Cutting Edge, Varsity Blues
Also – Baseketball (Although I can see the argument that this not being a sports movie)

I was shocked that no one mentioned Dodgeball. H mentioned The Longest Yard and North Dallas Forty. I have heard that these are both great movies, but unfortunately, I haven’t seen them so I couldn’t honestly put them on my list. In addition to these two, I would also like to see Friday Night Lights. From what I have heard, this has a legitimate shot at making the list. As I see more movies (and as a law student, movie watching takes up most of my day), I am sure this list will be amended.

And now to complete the subject of sports movies – Here are the 10 worst sports movies ever:
10. Mystery, Alaska – A great cast only makes this more of a disappointment. Maybe I am just not enough of a hockey fan to appreciate this one (perhaps, AJS disagrees).
9. The kids movies – Sports movies for kids are either great (see Cool Runnings, Bad News Bears, Little Giants or Mighty Ducks) or horrible. Here are some of the worst:
a. Air Bud – A dog plays basketball. Enough said.
b. Like Mike – A kid plays basketball. Enough said.
c. Eddie – Whoopi Goldberg coaches basketball. Enough said.
I could have filled the top 10 with bad kids movies alone (Rookie of the Year, Angels in the Outfield, any Bad News Bears or Mighty Ducks sequel), but I wanted to focus on a broader range of movies.
8. Hardball – This is just bad. I know it’s a kids movie, but its so bad it deserves its own category. Take The Mighty Ducks and remove anything entertaining, and you have Hardball.
7. Driven – This is the Sylvester Stallone racing movie. He should really stick to movies like Rocky, where he doesn’t have to speak in sentences.
6. Rocky V – Again, Stallone tries to talk and the movie is just awful. Rocky was a classic. Rocky II – IV are not on the same level, but they are all great. And then comes Rocky V. This should not even be called Rocky. The boxing was awful and the final street fight was ridiculous. Ending the series with Rocky representing the entire US against the Russian Drago would have been perfect. Instead, they finish with Rocky beating the crap out of a pathetic Tommy Gunn in the back of a bar. Terrible.
5. Side Out – The Olympics learned an important lesson from this movie. Beach Volleyball by girls in bikinis – Exciting. Beach Volleyball by guys in Speedos – Boring.
4. Bull Durham – I know most people thought this was a great movie, but they are wrong. It wasn’t. It was boring and not funny. After watching Major League, Bull Durham falls severely short. It is torture sitting through the movie to get to the two scenes that are entertaining (i.e., the “I told him the pitch” scene and the shower room pep talk scene). I know #4 is quite low for this movie, but every time someone discusses how great it is, just makes me despise it more and drop it lower.
3. Tin Cup – Just bad all around. Too much time spent on the romantic side plot (which was boring in itself), and the sports plot was just dumb. I have never been able to sit through this entire movie in one sitting. Redeeming feature – Cheech.
2. Still, We Believe – The 2004 Red Sox Documentary. I may be biased on this one.
1. The Fan – Even really great actors (Robert De Niro and Wesley Snipes) could not make this movie even barely enjoyable. They should show this to prisoners in Guantanamo (even then, making them sit through the entire movie would be too cruel.)

Some honorable mentions in the worst movie category:
Celtic Pride, The Air Up There, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Wimbledon

I am happy to hear from anyone who disagrees with this list, as long as they don’t ask me to sit through these movies again.

--General R. Blie

The Continuing Saga of JP's Law School Life...

Part IV (if that's where we're up too)...

Well, it has been a while, I spent last week working and competing in a mock trial competition, but now I am back! This is the first of many posts this week; I started it two weeks ago before I got super busy with my dumb mock trial. More to come this week I promise, with my look at study groups coming up soon, and while not part of the law school myths, I am going to walk you guys through my now ended career of the gayest thing I have ever done, which is mock trials.

Alright here we go!

The day of the average law student

There used to be this song, I forget who sings it or the name. But the verse of the song is “She works hard for her money, so hard for her money. She works hard for her money so you better treat her right.” The video was good, it showed some 80’s style woman with big hair, pastel clothes, getting yelled at by her boss, groped by her cab driver, beaten up on a subway, and her kids using her as a dartboard for their crappy dinner. I think the video was supposed to show that working women have it hard, so we should be nice to them. While that is true, that a working mother has probably the hardest job ever, if you walked into a law school, you would learn from talking to the students that their job, studying and being active in the law community is tough. Tougher than putting out fires. Tougher than building the pyramids in Egypt. Tougher than curing cancer. Tougher than trying to get into the pants of a nun. Tougher than anything you could possibly imagine. And they are right. It is tough. It is so tough to keep the general population believing that being a law student is the hardest possible job in the world. If you believed everything you’ve heard or read, the day of the average law student would look something like this:

6:00AM- Wake up, read Constitutional Law Assignment for next class

8:30 AM-Shower (optional)

8:45 AM Drive to school, listening to Posner on Criminal Procedure on CD

9:15 AM Order Egg Sandwich from Law School Cafeteria

9:20 AM Eat Egg Sandwich while reviewing Evidence Cases and Assignment

10:00 AM Go to Evidence Class- Where the marketplace of ideas takes over. Cover the topics of Hearsay Exceptions Present Sense Impression, Excited Utterance, Admissions by Party Opponent. Get called on while starting new topic of Business Record Exception. Impress professor and class with knowledge of the North Dakota exception to the Business Record Rule

12:00 PM Take 30 minutes to glance over Constitutional Law assignment

12:30 PM Go to Con Law. Have intense debate in class about the Reverse Commerce Clause and its Constitutionality in 1910’s. Make several impressive points on the Slaughterhouse cases.

2:00 PM Eat a turkey sandwich while rereading Business Organization Assignment.

4:30 PM Business Organizations. Sweat out that you never got to fully read assignment. G-d answers prayers by not getting called on. Listen to fascinating discussion on closely held corporations and how the business judgment rule applies. Learn about the cases involving Stockholder proxy votes. Realize I have not urinated since I woke up this morning.

6:30 PM Moot Court/Law Review/Mock Trial Work-Work real hard on making self outstanding and separating from the rest of staff. If in Moot Court, show how you found negative cases from a district Court in Guam that can be added to brief. If at law review, spend night arguing how Blue Book citations of Vatican Letters for a piece on the Church and the Law of the Textile Industry is wrong. If at Mock Trial practice, practice a cross-examination that ends with applauds, then discuss the techniques you learned over the weekend at a Regional Competition.

10:00 PM Drive home, listening to CD review for MPRE exam upcoming.

10:30 PM Start reading for tomorrow’s classes, Professional Responsibility and Jurisprudence

1:00 AM Drink 3rd cup of coffee of the day

3:00 AM Fall asleep in books, get toxic poisoning from having yellow highlighter in mouth

Alright, so that’s what the average law student would have you believe their day looked like. Let me show you what a real law student day looks like. And I am not talking someone like EDS day, because he actually goes to a job and then watches ESPN all night. I am going to do what my day looks like, but this is what every law kid can do and still get phenomenal grades. This is a blended look at my 2nd year of law school:

11:00 AM- Wake up, take a piss and a brush my teeth. Go back to bed

12:30 AM- Woken up by an annoying classmate asking me why I missed Evidence. Yell at them; make up story about how my car has a flat.

12:45 AM Get out of bed, take a shower, brush my teeth, then put on same jeans I have been wearing for 2 weeks.

1:00 PM Drive to school

1:10 PM Decide not to go to school, instead I go to lunch with some friends, have 2 beers and a bacon cheeseburger while discussing how we are going to get some outlines for finals.

2:30 PM Make my way to school finally. Stop and chat with a bunch of my friends who are eating decrepit law school lunch. Play mayor to the One L’s, and hide my growing pants snake while I make quick witty conversation with a hottie (they are a rarity).

3:30 PM Realize I missed the first hour of Con law. Decide to sneak in and sign attendance sheet at the end.

4:00 PM Go to Business Organizations. Have not read for class. Sit there and play tic tac toe with myself for an hour. Go to the bathroom during the 10 minute break, stay in for too long, and skip second half.

6:00 PM Realize I have trial practice. Call up trial team members and tell them I have a deadline for a mythical paper class I am taking. Tell them I will meet them tomorrow.

6:30 PM Head over to parents house to eat some free grub. Get yelled at by my mom for not making law review and being lazy.

8:00 PM Go to bar, if it Wednesdays, it is wing night. If its Thursdays, its law night. If its Monday or Tuesday, I am drinking on a friends couch.

12:00 AM Decide to leave bar, if at friends house, start thinking of practical jokes to play on them

1:00 AM Go home. Stay on IM for 2 hours, avoiding my work, my trial competition, and my basic hygiene. Talk to EDS and my friend Shapclown, whose company I just left.

3:00 AM Watch an Hour of old episodes of Who’s the Boss?

4:00 AM Pass out, not having accomplished a damn thing with my day