Nothing Important...

Having absolutely nothing to do with anything or each other, a few quick things to note:

1. I don't like the billboard that I see on my drive to work everyday with the old, bald shirtless guy. I honestly am not sure what the ad is even for. All I know is there is a bald, old guy with way too much chest hair and wrinkly skin running on a beach and smiling at me. This makes me a little uncomfortable. Not altar boy uncomfortable, but uncomfortable nonetheless.
2. The GM of the White Sox, Kenny Williams, blasted Frank Thomas yesterday. I mean blasted him!
   "He's an idiot. He's selfish. That's why we don't miss him," Williams said.
   "We don't miss his attitude. We don't miss the whining. We don't miss it. Good riddance. See you later."
   "He brought us to this point. So, OK, you want to play this game? You've got it. You got it. He's the Oakland A's problem right now. ... He better stay out of our business. He better stay out of White Sox business."
   If that's not entertaining offseason stuff, I don't know what is...
   We need more of that in sports. Raw emotion, pure passion and unfiltered hatred of individuals...
3. I heard this one on the radio - I swear - you couldn't make this up. No, not even I could make this up:
   Some guy in Middle of Nowhere, Pennsylvania went into a convenience store and asked to use the microwave. The clerk acquiesced and the man put his item in the microwave and went to the bathroom. After a minute a funny smell started to fill the store causing the clerk to immediately think to herself - "hmm, I wonder what that strange man put in the microwave. I better go check." Which of course she did.
   Ok... you want to know what was in there... You only want to know because you don't know... If you knew you'd be upset...
   I had 3 immediate questions once I found out what the clerk discovered upon opening the microwave.
   a. Whose was it? Did it belong to the man who entered the store (who immediately fled and was not captured)?
   b. What would be the purpose of microwaving it? Was he merely warming it up or was he trying to make it explode or shrink or something else?
   c. Was he going to eat it or did he have another use in mind for this now heated up item?
   Ok, you want to know what it is... The woman opened the microwave to find a severed human penis. HOLY SH**!!!!!!! That sounds just as bad when I write it as when I heard it! Good luck keeping your lunch down.
4. The last couple of days have been very cold in New York. Particularly yesterday was about 17 degrees below mother frikkin freezing. Yet for some reason people are willing to sacrifice their health and limbs driving 50 mph in this weather just to be able to smoke out the window of their car.
   A couple of quick points on this:
   a. Is it necessary to have the window open if nobody else is in the car? I'm not a smoker. Never have been, so I just don't know. But it would seem to me, that in such frigid temperatures - either don't smoke, or suck it up and close the windows. It's not like the cancer gets blown out with the wind, it's still building its home in your throat and lungs.
   b. Can you smoke with gloves? Again, I don't know if this is a viable option, but I had to reach my hand out my window for 1.28 seconds to swipe my card and open the gate at the garage in my work building and I thought I was going to die. That was with a stopped car. Imagine these people driving 55-65 mph with their arms hanging out the window. After that experience you could probably give a high five and shatter your hand into pieces.
   Maybe I'm naive, but the whole thing just doesn't make sense to me.

Anyway, that's my thoughts for this morning. Back to work...

Zeke!!!

For the love of God... Isiah is at it again... Here are some responses to the most recent trade made by the Knicks GM courtesy of Bill Simmons' fan mail:

"Sadly, I am an ex-New Yorker who is still a huge Yanks and Knicks fan. How long before Stephon is throwing bullet passes at Stevie's head for taking 15 shots in a row, followed by Stephon taking 16 shots in a row, followed by Eddy Curry walking off the court to grab some slices of pizza followed by Jerome James just laughing hysterically at the far end of the bench as he realizes for the umpteenth time he is making $8 million a year for the next 4 years. Dude, this might be "Lost" on a basketball court. There is something deeper behind this madness."
-Jermaine, Eugene, OR

"You have to write something about Steve Francis to the Knicks. I'm absolutely dumbfounded. I've got nothing. The stupidity of this is just mind-blowing. I'm not a big conspiracy guy, but something is just not right about this. No legitimate GM thinks, 'My team is crap, and my only hope is to shed these albatross contracts that have been killing us for the better part of a decade. I know, I'll trade an expiring contract so I can lock up a total headcase WHO PLAYS THE SAME POSITION AS ANOTHER HEADCASE WHO'S ALREADY ON MY TEAM.' And by the way, we're locked into Stevie Cancer's contract for four years. How does some person in the organization not drug this guy and stuff him in a broom closet in MSG until the trading deadline passes?"
-Joel T., San Diego, CA

The following one is just funny because this poor guy actually says he has no one else to turn to... Pathetic freaking loser...

"OK, I'm officially on suicide watch at this point. I'm e-mailing you because I have no one else to turn to. I'm a lifelong Knicks fan. I remember being thrilled that we got Rory Sparrow to significantly upgrade the point guard position! Where, exactly, would you say Isiah falls on the list of incompetent sports executives? Should he get the Ted Stepien Award? And what would that award look like? Would they actually give you an Oscar or a Heisman trophy and offer to trade you a People's Choice Award, an Arena League MVP trophy and the rights to Bode Miller's next ESPY, knowing that you could never turn it down?"
-Fred, New York, NY

"Please tell me that Isiah Thomas has plans to trade for Antoine Walker. Please, for the sake of my amusement …
-Chris Juvinall, Sacramento, CA

"My name is Josh and I'm 29 years old. I was a Knicks fan. Tell my parents that I love them and please make sure my cat finds a good home."
-Josh R., Jersey City, NJ

The Olympics...

...suck

Maybe it's just me, but I just think it's very silly that people get a reward for finishing 2nd or 3rd. For Christ sake - you lost! You suck! There is someone (or two) better than you... Yet you smile and wave like you won something of value???

This whole concept of Silver and Bronze medals irritates me. "Oh, I tried so hard and prepared like crazy - it was a thrill just to medal" - You are a loser!!! You did not win! You are not good enough! You need to make yourself throw up, lose a few more pounds and come back in four years and try again. Nobody cares about second or third place.

This is really not the biggest deal I guess, but it just bothers me that people work that hard to accomplish a goal and then get this patronizing second or third place medal and have to pretend they are happy with this accomplishment. Anyone who says they are happy to have finished with a medal other than gold is full of crap! If they were happy losing, they wouldn't be competing on this high a level of their sport.

Oh - and we need more injuries in the ice events - speedskating, figure skating, curling. With that hard a surface hosting the sport, there has to be a few more cracked skulls and broken limbs occurring in order for me to watch these lame winter games.

Here's to Bode Miller not medaling and returning home only to kill a cop while driving under the influence... Booyakesha... I hope we see him in a reality show with Flava Flav real soon...

OK, I'm jumping in on this story...

Dick Cheney shot a man ...



... in the face ...




... with a shotgun ...



... and today, the man he shot had a heart-attack ...



... the heart attack was caused by "birdshot in or touching his heart" ...



Stay tuned, this story seems to be getting better every single day. Well not for the guy who got shot; but for us, the easily entertained American public, this has "HIT" written all over it...


In case you missed the previous few statements:

Our nation's Vice President, Dick Cheney, shot a man in the face with a shotgun. The man he shot has now suffered a heart attack as a result of some of the birdshot being lodged in or touching his heart!!!

Oh Canada...

Things that annoyed me about Montreal:

• Canadians
• The French language
• 14 year old Moroccan kids in the pizza store who like to pick fights with 18-25 year olds (actually, this one doesn't annoy me as much as entertain me, but whatever)
• It pretends to be America, but has many different and more annoying rules.
• The weather
• French people
• The "Shopping Mall" is smaller than a Costco in New York
• People are too nice (and don't tell me that's not possible. it's true in Minnesota as well. When a complete stranger walks up to you and tells you all about himself and his family and asks you about yours and then invites you home for dinner simply because you happen to be at the urinal next to him, it's a little bit too much nice for me).
• All the sports channels show nothing but hockey
• All the news shows talk about Canadian current events (I guess this makes total sense, but it still annoyed me. The egocentrical New Yorker that I am, I honestly felt that the news stations should be covering the news in New York and the U.S. and not Canada).
• If it's not 10 degrees below zero (farenheit) and snowing like mad, it's for damn sure raining like mad.
• The flight is only 55 minutes (which is good), but it's windy and bumpy as hell (which is really really bad - I hate flying to start with, which maybe is a good topic for another day, but turbulence is killer...especially when you can see the frozen ground thousands of feet below you during the entire experience of being bounced around the skies).

Bottomline is - there is porn on basic cable in Montreal - so it can't be all that bad a place.

Chicken Gets Lucky

Yeah, I know I'm taking the easy way out... But I was away last weekend in Montreal and have not had a chance yet to formulate my thoughts about Canadians into a blog... Patience...

Besides, this woman used CPR as an excuse to french kiss a chicken...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11234002/