Piss Off the Pope

...an interactive game that you can all play at home...

I figured it would be fun to come up with ways to piss off the new Pope Benedict XVI. In case you were not aware, the Pope has created an email address to receive prayers and other requests. Yes, it's true! Check it out for yourself. Click Here.

In English, the address is benedictxvi@vatican.va
In Italian: benedettoxvi@vatican.va

Well now that we can reach him, the idea is to piss him off, or at least piss off the people reading the email on his behalf. So feel free to add to this - and be creative. Consider it a class project - writing an email to the Pope.

1.
Dear Pope,
I am Jewish and I am alive. My ancestors survived, you miserable looking prick!
EDS

2.
Dear Pope,
I am a 9 year old boy from Minneapolis in America. I saw your new website for young American boys and wanted to write and thank you for taking the time to create this website. Now me and my friends love going to Church and staying afterwards for our special meetings with Father McHarry.

3.
Dear Pope Razingerowitzensteinskycohenbergerellenbogen,

I'm with the United States Bureau of Foreign Investigation. I am writing to inform you that after carefully conducting research of your family history and background, we have concluded with 95% certainty that your mother's mother's mother was of Jewish descent. In fact, she was a Rabbi's wife.

This information about your mother, according to Jewish law, makes you a Jew as well. Good luck with that Pope! Oh, and by the way, your father was not who you think. That's right, your mother had an affair with a Jew who later became an inmate at Auschwitz (she continued to see him during that time as well). Your real last name is referenced above. Your first name is actually Herbie. Your father's name was Irving, he lives in South Miami with his new wife, Goldie. Your mother, as you know, is long dead, however, by employing the gay guy from channel 9, we were able to communicate with her, and it turns out she's upset that you didn't become a doctor. She wanted to be able to brag that her son is a doctor.

This research was conducted by our North American Zoos, Islands, Bays, Animals, Statistics, Theology, Ancestry Research Division - more commonly known by its acronym.

Thanks,
Thomas "the tank engine" Johnson


Feel free to send the Pope an email as well. If you'd like, post it here so we can all share...

The End (of school) is Near

I am going to be finishing my law school classes in the next couple of weeks. I cannot give you an exact date unfortunately, because I have not gone enough to really know when classes exactly end. I don't have a syllabus for any classes and didn't bother buying books. What a waste of time this semester has been, with the exclusion of one decent class.

I only have one final - this is huge. I have 3 papers, one of which I already finished (in other words, it's 20 pages of BS and footnotes pretending to justify the BS). The other 2 are for adjunct professors. For those of you not in the world of school and education, adjunct professors, are people with real jobs that come to your university once or twice a week for one of four reasons:

a. to make some extra cash
b. to humiliate and belittle students by showing them how much more they know than us
c. because they genuinely enjoy teaching, but would rather make a living than do it full time
d. because they like to be around young people

Now option 'd' is clearly what you are looking for when checking out which classes to take at the beginning of a semester. After that, 'b' is obviously a bad choice, with 'a' and 'c' being a crap shoot.

Let me digress for a second here and explain a little about the process of choosing classes for your upcoming semester (which I will not have to do again in law school).
Choosing your classes is the single most important factor in your final grades. Studying, going to class, homework, understanding the material and cramming for finals by doing practice tests are all highly overrated nonsense. If you choose the right professor for the right class, the rest will take care of itself.

Now, the most important part of this process is the professor. How does he grade? Does he take attendance? Does he care about missed classes? Does he call on people? Are his tests easy? Is he a nice guy?

You may have noticed at this point, if you are a women, or gay man, that I only used the word 'he' to describe the professor. This is not by accident. That's right - female professors are a huge no-no, unless there are dire straits. Female professors always have something to prove and usually have an agenda. This means, they want you in class and will be strict about attendance, and then they will use every opportunity to preach about equality or some other weak crap like that, and you have to be there to listen. This can make you miserable. I had a Con Law class second year that was not a choice class, but required, and we had some feminist up there yapping about all kinds of boring crap. Then of course she always calls on the males in the class to see their points of view, so she could make us feel stupid and dirty. This was not fun.

Back to choosing classes. The next thing to look into other than the professor is the professor's feelings about the class. The actual class itself does not matter at all. You should not care if it's an interesting topic or anything, because the idea is not to be there and to do as little as possible, while getting the best grade possible. For example, a professor that may suck for a required class, may be great to have when he's teaching a class he truly loves. Those professors tend to take things more lighlty because they are under the impression that anyone in the class loves constitutional theory or whatever crap they are 'teaching' as much as they do, and therefore tend to grade higher, excuse absenses and look for volunteers instead of cold-calling. This is good.

For example, I am taking a class called Mental Health Law this semester. I don't have any interest in it, nor will I ever practice mental health law as a profession. However, this professor fit into a category 'd' adjunct, and fit my acceptable schedule. He is a nice guy, rarely takes attendance and does not call on people. This translates into - I didn't have to spend $112 on a book, I don't have to read for class, I can do a halfassed job on the paper and even if I do go to class I don't have to worry about being called on. I can feel free to not pay attention, do other work or stare aimlessly into space.

Schedule is another key factor for choosing classes. Some people, like myself, work during school in order to have some type of income. Others have different commitments or plans and do not want to be in school every day, or at certain hours. This means choosing classes around times and days you do not want to be in school. For example, I did not want to be in school at all on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So I did not take any classes on those days except for one Tuesday night class which does not take attendance. Therefore, I am not in school on those two days. Understand?

Next, since I have to work on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I did not want to have to wake up early on Mondays or Wednesdays. Therefore, I do not start classes till after 2 on Mondays and after 1 on Wednesdays. That is why I am taking classes such as Mental Health Law and Estate Administration Litigation and Constitutional Rights. None of which I care about. They all fit into my schedule and passed the acceptable professor test. I will spend very little time writing 20 page papers for each of those classes, will never read for them and will not have to do any work besides the paper. I will spend lots of my 'extra time' laughing at the morons who read for those classes every day as if there is a final at the end, which there is not.

That is why my GPA will be better than some shmuck who works his/her ass off in Coporate Finance or Advanced Business Planning (with a tough professor) in order to prepare for his/her career in that area. He/she will pull a B- or C while I'm pulling A- and B+ in classes that don't matter. You know who will end up with a better job? That's right - me. Not only that, I will have more options to go into the career he/she has been preparing for than he/she will. Sucka!

Do you understand the humor here? I know JP does. This means, very simply, that there is right now a number of people who are much smarter than me, do much more work than I do, take school a hell of a lot more seriously than I do - and those people will still finish behind me in ranking, will have a tougher time finding a job, and when they do, it won't be as good as my job. This is because they chose to "challenge" themselves in more "challenging" classes. Meanwhile, I'm sitting at home watching the Yankee games on Tuesday nights while my Estate Administration Litigation professor, whose name I don't even know, is spewing garbage about wills and estates. G-d, I love America.

Back to adjunct professors. Adjunct professors are dangerous, but if you refer to the options above, can be a very strong choice.

The two papers I have left are for adjunct professors. One is clearly option 'd' - The best choice (the one who just likes to be around young people). This means his grades will be high, but expectation on the paper will be low. Perfect. Plus, he rarely remembers to take attendance, and NEVER calls on anyone without a volunteer. I have gotten so much non-school stuff done during that class. I feel like I should be paying the professor a salary for the amount of things I've gotten done in his class. Nice guy too, that's the best part about it.

The 2nd adjunct professor seems to be a mixture of 'a' and 'b' (doing it for the extra cash, and likes to show off his knowledge). This was more dangerous, but I did my research, and it turns out he's the best choice I've made. He likes to show off how much he knows, but not at the expense of the students. He does not take attendance, lectures the whole time (does not call on anyone - at least not the two times I went) and does not care about the 20 page paper at the end of the semester because "he doesn't really believe in grades, but the school makes me assign a paper." Priceless! This guy would get my vote for professor of the year... if I ever took interest enough in school functions to know when the vote for crap like that is held.

This will be the easiest, most full of crap 20 pages I will ever write. And, since I only have one final this semester, I will have a nice month off before graduation. I will be working, yes, but you get paid for work and it's a hell of a lot better than studying for finals for 3 extra weeks.

Bugger Off...for a few days at least...

That day has finally come. The one day you have all feared... That's right... I've found something better to do with my time during class than type incoherent stupidity into this blogger. Now this is not a permanent thing. It is temporary. I simply found another project to work on for the next few days that trumps my blog time during class. In fact, I feel so bad about this that I am actually writing this post to you during my 'real free time'. Any other time I'd consider that a pathetic cry for help, but today, it is loyalty to you the reader.

This is only temporary, so you can call it a quick vacation if you'd like, but nonetheless, unless something is really annoying the crap out of me, I will probably not post until next week.

Now for those of you for whom this is extremely depressing news - you need serious psychotherapy. I'm not talking the once a week visit to a shrink, like an 11th grade boy with girl problems. I'm not even talking about social worker visits after you tried to re-enact Columbine in your kindergarten class, because Mommy wouldn't let you dress up as Hitler for Haloween, and crazy, single Uncle Manny likes to have you over for the weekend too often... No - I'm talking Mayo Clinic, daily checkups and tests, constant supervision and observation. I'm talking shock treatment, poking and prodding, the whole works.

For the rest of you, I'm sure there's something else you can read for the next 5 days or so until I'm ready to get back into this stuff. If you don't read well, a pre-med major once gave me great advice for when things are looking down - he said, "I'd suggest you start drinking heavily..."
Can't argue with a pre-med guy, right?

JP's Response

At this time I was supposed to be writing a paper for a class on Catholic Social Thought and the Law, but oddly enough, I haven’t done one bit of work on it today despite the fact it was due yesterday. Let me tell you why.

Right now, the most influential living guide on morality, religion and a bunch of other things is fighting to survive in a room somewhere in the Vatican while hundreds of thousands of people stand outside praying for him. Millions if not billions of people around the world are praying for him too. But this is not about that, this is about something else, its called the art of forgiveness.

You want to complain because he met with Yassir Arafat? Here is a man who got shot, someone attempted to assasinate (or however you spell it) him, and the man recovered. But not only did he recover, but he did something none of you sh*theads would be able to do. He went to the man who tried to end his life, who pulled a trigger and aimed to extinguish his existence, and he said “I forgive you.”

Picked the wrong religion? Ha. Whatever buddy. Now maybe I am a hypocrite because I still laugh at jokes like, What were JFK JR’s last words, and then I take a glass of water and gargle it, but, this is a bit different. All I am saying is, lay off. Make your jokes whatever, but be careful who you make them around. Because unlike some bitch who threw up her f***ing taco boat salad to try and lose weight and induced a heart attack, this is a man who lived for the people, for us, to show us the right way of life. And while he may never have had a piece of ass, and I agree that’s a little nutty, I will tell you one thing, there is no leader out there, religious, political, or otherwise who had the true moral conviction of my namesake.

So before you bitch and complain or try to make jokes that aren’t funny, keep in mind, that while your brethren were being taken to concentration camps, so were his in WW2 Poland. And when the communists came in, he dealt with them too. Don’t hate the man because he loved those that you hate, because if you look at the guys life and papacy, he loved everyone. Stop being a jealous stepchild, and maybe if your lucky, he’ll put in a good word for you on the other side.

PS You realize three very influential people in my life died this week? Johnnie Cochran, the best trial lawyer of our time, now the pope (who for you idiots out there, my dumbass parents named me after) and finally, Frank Perdue. That man put so much love into his chickens, it brings a tear to my eyes.

Warning

If you are Catholic or if you are having trouble taking the passing of the Pope anything but seriously, you may want to avoid this blogger until you are more comfortable with Pope humor or criticism.


I do recognize the good that the Pope achieved in his lifetime, and though I obviously disagree with much of his action, I recognize that he was truly on a mission of what he felt was peace and goodness. However, this has not stopped me from spewing both criticism and stupidity on this day of mourning for many. So please forgive me.

Shocker for Yassir…and the Pope

I must say, watching this stuff on TV is quite fascinating... there must be thousands upon thousands of people outside the Vatican now just singing and waiting for this guy to die... It’s so cool...

Meanwhile he’s upstairs out cold, shallow breathing and barely a heartbeat, but alive nonetheless. It would be crazy cool if he were able to hear what was going on down there as he’s passing on... be much cooler if he had chosen the right religion... oh well, gonna be quite a surprise waiting for this guy in a few hours eh?

Angel - Welcome to heaven

Pope - Where's Peter

Angel - hahaha, you're one of those aren't ya. We've got a bunch of you up here.

Pope - Whatever do you mean?

Angel - Buddy listen, this is going to be hard for you to accept as truth. your whole life that you just gave up - the whole not having sex thing, the living in Italy thing, the constantly worshipping Jesus - that was all wrong.

Pope - (shocked) huh? what?

Angel - You ever see the game show "The Price is Right?"

Pope - Yes.

Angel - You ever see "Happy Gilmore"?

Pope – No

Angel - well in Happy Gilmore there's a classic line that might better explain your situation - the price is wrong bitch

Pope - I am not understanding you.

Angel - Stupid Pollack, you picked the wrong religion. You get to stay in heaven because you were a good person, but you have to be black and you are not allowed to talk to the white people unless they ask u for something, understand?

Pope - What's hell like? maybe that would be a better choice?

Angel - In hell, you'd have to be white, and the people who run it are black and just got "freed" from heaven so to speak. Kinda like South Africa, but with more violence.

Pope - nevermind, I'll stay here. Is it too late to convert to Islam and get some virgins?

Angel - Islaam was wrong too. In fact your buddy Yasir passed by here a few months ago.

Pope - what's with him?

Angel - He's not up here. He's a white man now, and he's down there.. and I must say, have you ever seen the show OZ?

Pope – no

Angel - well let's just say, if he was a virgin, he’s not anymore... and there aint no women in hell except for Marge Schott, and she rejected him.

Pope – Oh

Angel – yeah, well that stupid robe he wears works out well for him. At least he doesn’t have to waste any energy pulling down his pants. And the bending over? He’s been doing that his whole life. Let’s put it this way, hell has really turned the camel around on ole Yassir.

Of Pope and Poles

What do you call a person who condones child molestation by inaction, shakes hands with various communists and dictators, supports a terrorist state in the Middle East, grants audience to Nazi war criminals and yet is revered, honored and respected by a large percentage of the world’s inhabitants?

That’s right! The Pope.

Now I know this might be a rough topic, especially to those of you named after him (JP), but nonetheless, it is in the news and requires some coverage. He has been a pretty influential political figure over the last bunch of decades. However, the TV, film and marketing possibilities that can be exploited from this ultra-celebrity are endless. The Pope has suffered heart failure. This means that the heart is no longer strong enough to pump blood to the body properly. This is virtually incurable, especially when the person is 840 years old. Basically, this means the whole world is paying attention. It is time for Nike or someone to jump in and sponsor some part of this death watch.

Quite interesting to me, and perhaps a slight parallel to other recent discussions, over the last few weeks the Pope has been fitted with a breathing tube and feeding tube. He has, as some news sources call it, become a picture of suffering. Ah, religion, so cruel. The Pope asked for the story of Jesus’ crucifixion to be read to him this morning as if it was somehow comparable to the state he was in. I have an idea. Don’t want to suffer? Remove the feeding tube! Oh wait – you can’t – because over the last month or so, a million people have been screaming in your name how wrong that would be. So I say, let the Pope live. I think he should be kept on respirators, heart pumps, feeding tubes, catheters and whatever other painful medical miracles they can perform to keep a human being suffering as long as possible till his body just disintegrates around him. That would be more humane.

Here’s another interesting tidbit, and this is a good one. This can mean mucho mucho entertainment possibilities over the next week or so. You ready? Ok, here we go –

It is at this time unclear who is empowered to make medical decisions on behalf of the Pope.

Oh baby, this could be good….but wait…it gets better.

The Vatican refuses to comment whether the Pope has left any instructions in writing as to how his medical condition should be handled.

We can only hope and pray that there becomes a media frenzy much larger than the Schiavo family’s case over this scenario. The potential here is endless. I say, stick some tubes in him, prop him up, carry him out to that wonderful, superhero-like Popemobile one last time, strap him in, drive around and let him give just one last wave to the world. After that, can you say “Weekend at Bernie’s 3” – the best yet!

Ah, those crazy Poles...

- "I came to pray for the Pope," said Maria Danecka, in her 40s. "If he were to leave us, we won't have anybody to show us the way, to help us understand the world."

Of course not, this deeply religious 84 year old man who knows nothing of modernity and realism, but rather lives in a world clouded by teachings and texts thousands of years old, meant to be interpreted, but instead held as strictly unwavering can definitely help you understand today’s world. You silly, silly lunatic.

- "I have a class exam today and I was studying late last night listening to the radio," Lidia Majecka, an 18-year-old student, said after attending mass at one of Krakow's churches.
"With the constant flow of reports on the Pope's health, I couldn't concentrate. I thought this morning: what is the exam compared to the Pope's pain? So I came to pray for his health."

I’ll tell you what the exam is compared to the Pope’s pain? Indicative of your future. If the Pope is in pain, or even dies – which he will Lidia, and it will be very painful for him – your life will be affected in absolutely no way, unless you choose for it to be. Now, I’m not saying you should not grieve and feel a connection to a religious leader, but let’s remember he is a man, not a god. This is the mistake you silly Christians made in the first place. Jesus Christ! If you fail that exam, you will end up dropping out of school, moving to Vegas and living in an alley, smoking crack and selling your body for money – all because you couldn’t stop thinking about the Pope. So you see? Wasting your time worrying about the Pope’s pain is actually sacrilegious.

- "I should be at work but I wanted to come to church even for a few minutes," said Beata Laczynska, 40, tears welling in her eyes. "I had to pray for him. I couldn't work without this."

Yes you could. You just wanted to leave the brothel for an hour with some BS excuse. You could very easily work like this. Millions of people around the world are in hospitals and are in fact sick and dying. Some are in even more pain than the Pope – yet you manage to go to work every single day without shedding a tear. You are what I like to call a “person who takes advantage of the Pope’s failing medical condition in order to miss an hour of work pretending to pray for the Pope, while really bending to your knees and mumbling a prayer about the upcoming football match between your favorite team and the team that is going to kick their ass.” I know, it’s not exactly catchy.

-Warsaw's Jewish community also planned to pray for the Pope, with Chief Rabbi Michael Schudrich saying no other religious leader had done so much to reconcile Christians and Jews.
"He has done so much in the fight against anti-Semitism," he told Reuters. "Nobody has accomplished as much as him. No other religious leader from any other church has ever done this."

Ok, stop the train and let me off – You can’t be serious! The Pope? C’mon! Oh wait – it makes more sense now, I found this – “Warsaw’s Jewish community held vigil for Yassir Arafat stating that by ordering the terrorist attacks on Israeli children, Arafat was helping push the Israeli people towards peace.”
Oh, and there’s also this – “Warsaw’s Jewish community holds a forgiveness rally for Hitler saying that no other man has ever done more to establish an Independent Jewish state.”

The area of the world where the Pope is most influential, Europe, has seen more acts of hatred against Jews than anywhere else. Antisemitism and crimes of hate are up, not down over the last decade. Jewish kids in France, Germany and other European nations run like hell home from school everyday to avoid being beat up, or having swastikas carved into their skin. I haven't heard a hell of a lot about that coming from the Vatican.