Greatest Sports Movie Ever?

This post is contributed by General R. Blie - it's a great one...

I want to stay on the theme of movie’s from EDS’s post on Saturday. He wrote about wussification (I thank you for giving me a new five syllable word and I would like to see JP discuss how law students collect an arsenal of five syllable words, so they can sound pretentious in class.) But I would like to discuss another movie travesty – Million Dollar Baby.

I saw the movie, but I didn’t watch the Oscars, even though the Oscars made Fox preempt a new “Simpsons” for “Independence Day” (which was unfairly snubbed at the Oscars). Million Dollar Baby was entertaining and worth the $10 I spent on it. Based on my not seeing any of the other nominees, I would agree that it deserved Best Picture. However, Million Dollar Baby is making a push for a more lofty title – Best Sports Movie Ever.

Many people are buying into this argument. Real people. Not just suburban housewives who would rather watch the Bachelorette than Monday Night Football. On ESPN.com’s “Page 2,” Dan Shanoff feels that Million Dollar Baby deserves the #1 spot. They even included a poll where 6% of the people thought it was number one and another 36% put it in the top five. Million Dollar Baby was a good movie, but it is clearly not the best sports movie. It is not even in the top 10 (see below).

First, it is barely a sports movie. Sure, she hung out in a gym, and she had some fights. But, the movie was not about boxing. Honestly, the fights were pathetic. None of them lasted longer than Tyson-Spinks. A good sports movie should make you want to watch the sport. All this movie told you is that Women’s Boxing is lame and uncompetitive.

Even if this were a sports movie, it would only be the top in one subcategory – best women’s boxing movie. However, it is behind both Rocky and Raging Bull in the boxing movie category. It is behind Field of Dreams in the emotional sports movie category. It is behind Brian’s Song in the sad sports movie category.

Million Dollar Baby couldn’t even break into the top 20 when judged on the basis of being a great sports movie. So here is a top 10 list of movies (that I can think of off the top of my head) which beat Million Dollar Baby:
1. Field of Dreams – This is the greatest sports movie ever. It made you feel great about baseball. It hardly showed any baseball being played, but it still worked great. Watch this after Million Dollar Baby – No contest. Shoeless Joe gets to play again. Moonlight Graham gets his dream of having just one at-bat. Terrence Mann gets to see the game the way he remembers it from his youth at Ebbets Field. Finally, it ends with Ray having a catch with his dad – Isn’t that what sports should be about.
2. Rocky – If you want a great boxing movie, watch Rocky. This is a movie about boxing. Big dumb guys pummeling the living daylights out of each other. Boxing is not about first round knockouts. It is about going 15 rounds. Getting the crap knocked out of you. Going down to the mat with a bloody nose, swollen eyes and broken ribs and still finding the strength to stand up again and fight. Throw in Mickey, and you have a great movie.
3. Slap Shot – Not all sports movies have to be serious. Combine the best part of Bad News Bears and the Mighty Ducks, and you have Slap Shot. This is exactly how you make a funny sports movie. (Many people call Caddyshack, the funniest sports movie. Caddyshack is a funnier movie, but unfortunately, it is not a sports movie. It is simply a funny movie where some people golf. For a funny golf movie, see Happy Gilmore.)
4. Hoosiers – Just a great movie. Every scene is better than the next. Is there anyone who doesn’t love Hoosiers.
5. Major League – The only time I rooted against the Yankees. Great Baseball scenes and extremely funny. Only behind Slap Shot because Slap Shot did it first.
6. Raging Bull – The best black-and-white sports movie ever. It was intense, emotional and exciting. Even better, Jake LaMotta is a real person.
7. The Natural & The Rookie – These are both the same movie. They have the same exact plot. An old man struggles to obtain his athletic dreams that he abandoned in his youth. The Natural is a better movie, and the Rookie would only be a cheap knockoff, except for the fact that the Rookie really happened.
8. Rudy – 90% of the people who watch this movie will cry. The rest will spend the next week constantly yelling “Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy…”
9. Sandlot – I don’t know how many people have seen this movie, but it is a great sports movie. It is fun from beginning to end. [Note: it is a little odd that James Earl Jones, the most unathletic actor I can think of, is in two great sports movies.]
10. Miracle – Happy 25th Anniversary. Two problems with this movie. One, people who are old enough to remember the real thing say that it doesn’t compare. Two, the Red Sox used this as inspiration. Nevertheless, this was a great movie, especially for people who are too young to remember the greatest moment in sports history (but that’s another list).

Other movies that beat Million Dollar Baby:
61*, A League of their Own, Bad News Bears, Brian’s Song, Chariots of Fire, Cool Runnings, Eight Men Out, Happy Gilmore, Hoop Dreams, Mighty Ducks, Remember the Titans, Rocky II-IV, Seabiscuit, White Men Can’t Jump

While on the topic of Sports movies, I have to mention - films that are often on sports movie lists, but do not deserve to be there:
Caddyshack – See above, Not a sports movie, but a great movie with golf in it.
Bull Durham - The Caddyshack of minor league baseball, but not funny.
Searching for Bobby Fischer – A great movie, but since when is Chess a sport
The Hurricane – Just because the protagonist was a famous boxer, does not make this a sports movie
Jerry Maguire – This is debatable. The movie was about an agent and had a lot of sports. However, it was not a sports movie. It was a romantic comedy that threw in sports so guys will watch it also. It almost clawed its way back into the Sports category by giving us “Show me the money.” This phrase defines professional sports over the last 20 years. However, this is not a sports movie (unless we give women the vote).

Million Dollar Baby may be a great movie, but it is not a great sports movie

Things I Do Not Understand...

America’s obsession with Paris Hilton – this makes no sense to me. This girl is the ugliest hot chick ever. People are fascinated by her stupidity and obliviousness to the real world. Yes, I’ll admit, her forays into different ‘real world’ atmospheres are quite humorous because of her spoiled, rich, daddy-gave-me-everything background. But don’t we forget? – We hate people like this. I don’t need to watch ‘The Simple Life’ to see a rich white girl be afraid to ruin her hair helping someone carry something. Hell I go to law school - I’ve got six Paris Hilton’s in my class, and some of them are hotter and more annoying than Paris. It does figure that a girl named after the capital of the most arrogant and annoying country would turn out as such, but please, the fixation has to end.

Stupid Clichés – i.e. looking at the glass as ‘half-empty versus half-full’. This is stupid. Just say optimism or pessimism. Why do I need to spend 10 minutes trying to figure out how you view a glass and how that view translates into non-chess club, non-mathlete language because you choose to substitute fancy clichés for this country’s easily understandable language of English. I could have a more productive conversation with an Asian man on the subway than I can with someone constantly throwing out useless clichés to sound smart.
Picture this conversation:

You: Hi, how are you?
Pretentious Putz you are speaking with: Carpe Diem
You: Huh? What are you saying?
Pretentious Putz: When in doubt consult your inner child, know what I’m saying?
You: Nope, not a clue. What have you been up to lately?
Pretentious Putz: You know, living and learning. One day at a time.
You: Ok. You hear what happened to your friend Shmeckleheim?
Pretentious Putz: Well, what goes around comes around. Live and let live, ya know?
You: Ok, aren’t you afraid that the mob will come and rip off your right leg too?
Pretentious Putz: There is nothing to fear but fear itself.
You: Maybe you should consider another line of work, it would be safer.
Pretentious Putz: If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
You: Ok, good luck to you.
Pretentious Putz: It could be worse.
You: Not really, goodbye.
How annoying is that?


Women – But there is no way I am going into this one in detail.

Companies that pay people to make predictions in sports – Maybe I’m naïve, but this needs to be explained to me better. If Mike and the jackass can tell me who is going to win each and every college basketball game this week, and how each of those teams is going to go about exploiting the other teams' weaknesses on the way to victory, why do I need to even bother watching the game? Now, from past history, I can say with certainty that these two are often wrong with their predictions. Therefore, I will watch the games. Now, if I am going to watch these games, because, well, the outcome is uncertain and it entertains me to see it unfold – then why would I need to listen to two pretentious putzes spew sports clichés for 5 hours on the radio when I can be listening to my Pink Floyd CD’s? Maybe I’m missing something here. Feel free to clue me in.

I’m sure I will have more on this eventually… Feel free to add to the list…

Our Social Wussification…

I’m sick of wimpy movies. Movies used to be good, now they are all full of this romantic comedy crap. What’s with ‘The Notebook’ and ‘Love Actually’? What happened to movies like ‘Silence of the Lambs’ and ‘Tremors’.



‘Tremors’ is one of the greatest movies ever. It was two hours of gigantic monster worms chasing and eating people in a desert. The giant worms were blind and moved by sound. The people were dumb (except of course, the three who actually live through the whole movie). They don’t make movies like this anymore, where 90% of the actors die before the end. That makes for a great movie. ‘Desperado’ – great movie – everyone dies. The Matrix started off with great potential – first one – great movie – then they turned it into a love story – garbage.

This wimpy, fall in love, break-up, fall in love again, crack a few jokes stuff doesn’t do it for me. I went and saw ‘Hitch’ a couple of weeks ago. Very entertaining and quite humorous, but this is not a great movie. I think it’s a reflection of where our society is heading. We are becoming wusses. This needs to be changed.

I say we stop naming our kids after boy bands and American Idol stars and start naming them after old-time war heroes and biblical characters. When your name is Tyler, you’re asking to get the snot punched out of you. No more sending bullies to sensitivity training classes or whatever they call it. Let kids learn how to fight back. Instead of turning the bully gay, let some other kid kick him in the jimmy and teach him a lesson.

‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’ – ok, do I even need to address this? This is ridiculous; stop this movement now before every male is metro-sexual. This metro-sexual movement is going to make us the laughingstock of the planet. I can see it now, Iran and Saudi Arabia discussing how to handle America’s threat to attack – “they have men, but they act like women – we should be scared of this?”

People used to come right out and state their views on controversial issues. The KKK guys never needed hoods at rallies. Now they’re afraid that people will know they are racist. Dude – you are a racist, don’t shy away from it - embrace it. Let us see your face and let’s beat the piss out of each other until someone wins. You can’t hide it with that stupid hood. When you live in Arkansas, are unemployed, wear black nail polish, shave your head, have fewer teeth than normal, abuse the ‘N’ word and have a swastika tattoo – the hood is not going to help you hide your opinions.

People send in comments to TV shows and radio stations behind false names because they are afraid how they will be viewed by others if their opinion becomes known. Get over it. People think differently, it’s what keeps us from being boring like North Korea (well, minus the nukes).

And finally, some of you may not like this, but even murderers have gotten to be wusses. They all get caught pretty much right away, and few are interesting. Case in point - Scott Peterson - he is a tool. What happened to Jeffery Dahmer and John Gacy and those entertaining folks who knew how to at least last a while on the market? Tip to future murderers – watch some TV, they have great shows on now that can teach you a thing or two about keeping yourself on the streets a little longer. The closest thing we had to a good killer was the ‘Beltway Sniper’, and even that was weak – shooting people from a trunk of a car – please buddy, grow a pair and meet your victims before killing them.

Bottom-line – we need to toughen up as a society…

Important News Update...

I thought everyone should see this news item.

Derek Jeter Center.

$2300 is a small price to pay to piss off Boston.
--General Blie

Why Hide It?

Here’s what I don’t understand. There are certain actions that people take that are completely normal – in fact everyone does them – but never in public. Here are some examples. Feel free to add in your own in the comments. I’d love to hear them.

Why do I have to sit in my cubicle picking my nose and constantly be checking around that someone might see me? It’s ridiculous. Everyone picks their nose. Nobody can honestly tell me they don’t sit at home on their couch when they get home from work and immediately see how far they can reach into their nasal canal. Most of you don’t even wait till you get home, you’re in your cars digging away – I’ve seen it. So how come if you’re in a public place, all of a sudden it becomes a reason to be laughed at or thought of as gross? This makes no sense to me. This social rule needs to be changed.

There is nothing wrong with burping. In fact, it could be quite humorous and many talented people can do burping tricks. Yet for some reason, if one goes out to a business dinner and drinks soda, they are forced to down all their burps so that they back up into your stomach and make you feel like US border patrol trying to keep 15 truckloads of Mexicans from crossing the border. Then the burps try to come out the other way, which of course is a huge no-no (unless of course you can do it silently and blame it on the fat guy at the table next to yours). Instead you end up with 6 people sitting around a business lunch squirming around and twisting their legs under the table to hold in gas – This is ridiculous!

Now for a guy of course there is the issue of scratching one’s crotch. This is looked down upon in society, but of course is a necessary function. In fact, if a crotch goes more than 8 minutes without being scratched it can either turn into a female body-part (rhymes with bagina) or, slightly less embarrassing, the man can die. Most men would hope for death in this case, but unfortunately some are not so lucky. One can scratch an itch on his arm or leg or face. One can rub his eyes, or even put a finger into an ear (for 2 seconds maximum before it becomes weird). Yet, the most important of all places, the holiest of holies in terms of itching, cannot be touched in public. This is crap! I say – “Men, scratch your crotch freely!” Do not fear social stigma, rather band together and create its social acceptance by making it the norm.

Feel free to add to this list…

The Totem Pole of People...

(From top to bottom):

Soldiers and their families

Firefighters, Police, EMT’s etc…

Aaron Boone

Regular people

Customer service people at the cable company

Smelly people selling cheap toys on the subway

Regular Pro-Athletes

Aaron Boone

Meter Maids

People whose parents buy them houses at way-higher-than-market-value, thus driving up prices and not allowing independents to purchase homes at reasonable price levels

Pompous Community Leaders

Barry Bonds

Pompous Community Leaders on Steroids

Latrell Sprewell

DMV Employees

Geraldo Rivera

Whoever decided to cancel ‘My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss’

The NY Times people

Suicide Bombers

Saddam Hussein

Charles Smith (Knicks)

Feel free to argue or agree with any of these, or to make additions of your own...

Added by Chicken Parm:
Firstly, Aaron Boone should never be under "Regular Pro-Athletes." His departure got A-Rod. I would argue he is # 1 on the entire list, but soldiers are ok too.

Secondly, right underneath Charles Smith should be dogs. Man's best friend? I think not. Waste of space? I think so. Also, Mark Messier needs to head this list, as does Joe Torre. James Dolan needs to be right beneath dogs.

Chris Rock needs to be towards the top somewhere, as do The Rock, Stifler, Beavis and Butthead, Borat from Ali G, the kosher hot dog vendor at the Stadium, Tara Reid, and the foreigner who charges $1 for a large coffee on the corner of 31st and 7th.

CLS 7870

This post is meant to be interactive - therefore, if you are reading this, you should post a comment at the end with your answer. If you do not want to post your name, there is an option to post anonymously. Please participate, I am interested in hearing your ideas...

CLS 7870 – this is the license plate of the moron who cut me off last night on my way home from the city (yes, I actually wrote it down). Here’s what annoyed me most, it wasn’t even a necessary cut off. Sometimes it is necessary and excusable to cut someone off – i.e. – you are in a rush and driving recklessly, so you pull up in the right lane at a light and slam the gas to get ahead at the second the light turns green. When that happens, I usually hope that a cop is crossing the street at that same moment and gets struck by this fool, but not too hard so that he can’t get up and beat the living crap out the putz.

CLS 7870 was driving in the lane to the left of me. We were both in lanes that turn right, and the light was red. Now, let me describe this so you can fully understand this person’s retardation. He was in fact turning right into the left most lane, and then continuing on to an entrance ramp in the same left lane he was already in. Are you getting this? This means he had absolutely no reason to change lanes at all to get ahead. However, for some reason, CLS 7870 felt it necessary to nudge ahead of me in the right lane, almost forcing me off the road, only to make the turn and switch back left. This infuriated me.

Normally, I would follow my usual procedure as described here. However, it was 7:15pm and I was 5 minutes from home and my kid goes to sleep at 7:30pm. Therefore, a ride to Carolina was out of the question. I pulled up behind CLS 7870 and flipped on my brights. Not flashing on and off, flipped them on and left them on (of course making sure the lights were shining directly into his driver-side mirror. I also picked up my snow brush and held it out my window in the dark to make it look like a weapon of some kind. CLS 7870 magically began to speed up. At that point I drove up beside his car, showed him my middle finger and drove ahead of him. At the next light I stopped – on green. Then I proceeded to wait for the long light to turn orange before continuing on. Alas, CLS 7870 was forced to wait at the red light. I hope his rush wasn’t a real emergency.

This little episode last night reminded me of a conversation my brother and I often have. We often discuss various ways to piss off other drivers after they were the first aggressor. For example, when a woman honked him at a light he proceeded to drive 8 mph for a 10 block stretch with the same woman furiously honking behind him for the entire time. Of course each time she honked his laughter got louder and his brake-foot got heavier. Or the time where a double parked car that did not leave enough room to pass received a nice wad of gum on the windshield to hold a sign explaining the discourteous practice double-parking and how it affects neighbors.

I would like to hear other such non-violent (ok - or violent) ideas for avenging another’s act of stupidity or aggression on the road.... so please chime in…

Things I Root For…

Any team playing against a team from Boston…

The economic destruction of the company that produced Barney…

Another outbreak of mad cow disease in England…

My kid to become addicted to ESPN instead of PBS…

Cow-tippers…

Tough bodybuilding Aussies to come out of the closet so they can’t call us wimpy Yanks anymore…

Political unrest and civil war in terrorist-run Middle Eastern countries…

Skinny, rookie place-kickers to miss a field goal with the game on the line…

Famous rich people to get addicted to drugs and make fools of themselves…

Gang wars…

People who drive recklessly at a time when people are driving with their kids to get pulled over, or at least to get into an accident with another reckless driver…

The kids from “Barney’s Backyard Gang” to become drug addicts and alcoholics in their later teenage years…

Tough guys and bullies to get a hernia; this way they can see what having big balls is really like…

People who let their dogs crap without cleaning it up to get crapped on by a bird as I am walking past, so I can laugh at them…

Sharks (especially when they are playing against the surfers; hey - gotta root for the home team)…

Feel free to add to the list...

Hockey = Figure Skating + Sticks

Big news in the sports world lately has been the cancellation of the NHL Hockey season. I find it interesting that this is probably the most attention hockey has gotten in years. This is because hockey sucks. Well, except for the playoffs maybe.

There is no question that hockey players are terrific athletes. They can do amazing things on the ice. They can spin, jump and control their bodies at extremely high speeds. They are graceful, athletic and agile. They can twirl and twist and do triple toe lutzes (or whatever it’s called). Kind of like figure skaters, except figure skaters don’t wear wimpy helmets and pads. Yeah, hockey players think they are tough because they lose a few teeth here and there; well people in the red states down south lose teeth everyday without even playing sports. Besides, figure skaters will do flips and jumps at ridiculous speeds without any protective gear (see the figure skater who landed flat on her skull after her partner missed the catch).

Playoff hockey is fun to watch, but not because it’s hockey. It’s why almost any championship series or playoff of any sport is fun to watch – the intensity and pressure. Hell, I’ll watch the finals at the dog show because there’s a chance of controversy and some type of fight. World Series of Poker – who the hell likes to watch other people play poker? The answer – anyone – when enough money is on the table. I watched the arm-wrestling championship on ESPN yesterday. Same with hockey - it’s the figure skating playoffs, that’s why people watch.

These oversized, muscular figure skaters prancing around the ice with sticks – people pay to watch this? Occasionally they get mad at each other and have slapping fights. The rest of the time they skate around playing grab-ass and pokemon with their gloves and sticks.
The NBA is stupid, but at least it’s a sport worth watching on some level (college).

Now, I will concede that watching hockey in an arena is a truly different experience then watching it on TV, and perhaps, easier to follow and to enjoy. When ticket prices are over $100, this doesn’t allow for the casual sports fan to waste his money and invest his time in supporting a team. Therefore, casual fans don’t go to games, and casual fans will not watch on TV. The NHL needs to do a much better job marketing and selling its product. This means two things: making people want to go, and allowing people to afford to be able to go.
Until they do that, sports fans like me will always view the NHL as a less-gay, steroid enhanced, extra-large form of figure skating, and I will only watch games where there is a good chance of a bloody fight breaking out.

AJS and Chicken Parm, I know you’ll have some misguided thoughts on this one…

AA + PC = BS

The term affirmative action was first used by President John F. Kennedy in March 1961. The order was designed to end the employment discrimination practiced by the government and its contractors. It required every federal contract to include the following pledge. “The Contractor will not discriminate against any employee or applicant for employment because of race, creed, color, or national origin (sex was added later on by Lyndon Johnson). The contractor will take affirmative action to ensure that applicants are employed, and that employees are treated during employment without regard to their race, creed, color or national origin.” The goal was, in the President’s words, “equal opportunity in employment.”

Now before you exit this site because you thought a serious discussion was being started, hang around and read more. Like many of the posts on this site, the goal is to be entertaining first and make a point second. Making points are good though, because they tend to encourage more participation. More participation leads to funny comments and more entertainment for me (the objective of this site in the first place).

I bring up Affirmative Action because while I agree with the premise somewhat, I don’t agree with the means by which it is carried out, and its link to political correctness which has vacuumed much humor out of the world. Affirmative Action was not created to give under-qualified people jobs. It was created to encourage employers (specifically government employers and contractors) to not disregard an applicant based on some sort of minority status. In effect it has scared the crap out of everyone, and forced many to be guarded in both hiring practices and conduct at work.

That said, there is no reason that when I call my cell phone company with a problem on my bill that I should have to talk to a man-hating lesbian midget who holds a grudge against non-little people. This kind of person makes me hate the whole affirmative action system. I have nothing against lesbians or midgets; both can be wildly entertaining in their own special way, but perhaps this specific lesbian midget belongs in a different industry than customer care (maybe being the ball-girl at a little league game). I find it amazing that when I call to pay a bill or give money in some way, I always speak to a friendly person who makes me feel appreciated and welcome. But when I call with a problem I somehow always end up talking to Louis Farrakhan’s retarded nephew.

Now if you noticed, in the last paragraph I was not politically correct. Here’s why: F*&# Political Correctness. This is the dumbest phase that our great country has ever gone through. People who are offended by non-PC comments are generally losers with too much time on their hands. If you have that much time on your hands, instead of bitching and moaning like a little girl, start a blog. It’s a lot more stimulating and doesn’t bother people as much. These pro-PC mongrels are dull and boring and usually have some kind of genetic defect that makes them prone to being emotionally abused.

Affirmative action and political correctness go hand in hand. I believe that the affirmative action movement has created this fear of offending someone in the workplace, which translates into the workplace becoming completely PC and boring. This is a mistake. If you work with a morbidly obese woman, you should be able to call her fatty and bounce Ring Dings in front of her face on a yo-yo string. If you work with an Italian, it should be open season on mafia and Sopranos jokes. I’m Jewish; somebody at work should be throwing a penny at my feet every single day when I walk in.

Stereotypes exist, differences are there, what fun is it to work in a diverse place if these differences can’t be explored and laughed at? Non-PC can only apply to non-racists. The one boundary that needs to be kept strong is intent. Hitler’s descendants, for example cannot make Jew or Black jokes; if they do, they should severely beaten. Iraqis cannot make Kurdish jokes. Convicted rapists cannot make jokes about women. Israelis CAN make Arab jokes, because there is just too much good material there to let it go to waste. I’d say Arabs can’t make Jew jokes either, but those people don’t listen to anyone anyway (Kaboom!). Oh, and everyone can make Hellen Keller and Stevie Wonder jokes, open season on the blind people (I haven’t created the Braille blog version yet). That said, the neo-Nazi cannot say the Stevie Wonder can’t read because he’s black, and the rapist can’t say Hellen Keller can’t drive because she’s a woman. The other open category is Michael Jackson.

So from now on, help me fight against the political correctness movement. Here are some things I try to do to further this struggle:
I make a point of asking every black person I meet if they play basketball.
I ask every Italian if they have an uncle called Big Pussy or Sammy the Bull, or perhaps a cousin Vinny who practices law.
If I take a ride from a female, I always ask if she wants me to drive.
If I’m riding the subway, I try to beat the Asian women to the open seats and then give them a high five if they win.
I don’t know any little people, so I just call my short friends midgets instead.

Feel free to add to this list the ways in which you think we can fight PC by clicking the comments button below…

Comments from Tito...

I usually don't post my thoughts on a site like this, but I figured, why not? Maybe I'll get some interesting comments, and, maybe not. I'm curious about a recent Quick Vote posted by CNN.com on its website. (If you'd like to see the article go to:
http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/science/02/17/global
.warming.reut/index.html)

However you feel about global warming makes no difference to me, and if you want to know how I feel, please post a comment and ask. Anyways, the question posed was this: Do you agree with climate experts that golabl warming is well under way? The available answers: Yes or No. Do you think CNN may actually post the results of this question at some point in time? And if they do what will it mean? What if no living person with access to CNN.com who stumbled upon this article felt that global warming was indeed a reality? Would this collective perception mean that global warming is indeed a farce? If JP had decided to answer "No" and the results came back 63% - 37% in his favor, would this validate his poor soul in some way? And if he was on the losing side should I worry about his emotional well-being?

As you can see, I have a lot of questions because of this particular Quick Vote question. Is CNN attempting to tap the collective conscience of humanity, in some heroic attempt to alter the flow of enerfy through the universe to save our beautiful planet. I'd enjoy to read any of your responses as to what you feel the purpose of this Quick Vote question is (or any for that matter). - Tito

The Socratic Method...

Part III of JP's expose on law school...

Before I begin, I plan on doing a ‘what annoys me’ list soon. This week is going to be a busy one for me, as I have to play fake lawyer this week. But since it is Saturday morning and there are no good cartoons on anymore, I finally had a chance to write the next chapter on law school myths, and that is the Socratic Method.

For those of you unfamiliar with the lecture style in law school, the professor basically stands up front, asks about so and so case, but instead of just calling on people with their hands raised, he will call on someone at random to tell about the case, change the facts a bit, and ask new questions. It got the name Socratic Method because I guess when Socrates was not making little boy love, he used to grill them another way, by peppering them with questions about life or something to prove his points. I dunno, that Socrates had some sick ideas about foreplay, and I guess some sick ideas about who his life partners should be. The Greek elders liked Socrates and his teachings style so much, that they made him drink poison to shut him up.

Still, thousands of years later, somebody somewhere decided to adopt Socrates ideas on teaching. Luckily, they didn’t adopt his ideas about little boy love. Either way, this Socratic Method has brought fear in the eyes of many incoming law students. The idea of being called on at random, to answer questions, having to be put on the spot to match wits with a seasoned legal scholar in front of 100 people brings great trepidation to potential law students. They hyperventilate in the bathroom before class. They scurry to read cases and reread them right before class. They have 5 different colored highlighters to color coat their primary point, their secondary points, the weak points, then negative points, and another highlighter to write in big letters “DON’T PANIC.” The idea is that if you survive a series of being called on by the professor, people will talk about you as being smart. Fumble and you will look like an idiot who is probably going to fail out. In my first year, people used to talk about who got called on and how they did. “Oh man, Sean really got flustered up there; I can’t believe he thought the rationale in that case hinged on zone of danger rather than proximate causation. HE’S SO NOT GOING TO BE IN MY STUDY GROUP” (side note - that just reminded me to do a part on study groups). Or on the flip side “Wow, did you see how Mike handled that Personal Jurisdiction hypothetical, he must be reading supplements and researching the cases in the footnotes, I better start studying harder, otherwise I am going to be on the tail end of the bell curve.”

Yes, the Socratic Method has caused many nights of upset stomachs, the jitters and even severe cases of diarrhea. But ladies and germs, it does not have to be this way. Rather than let the great and powerful professor get up there, thinking he is a cross between Johnny Carson and Einstein at an interrogation, law students can control the power. If they just realized, it’s all a myth. The problem with the Socratic Method, the kink in the armor, what makes this competitive game show of being called on one big myth is the concept of anonymous grading. Let me explain, since grades are anonymous, you can get called on, tell the professor “pass” “I didn’t read for class” “call on someone else” “ I played with your wife’s watermelons last night” “I got a really bad case of jock itch” and it won’t affect your grade at all. Sure at some point you have to learn the material, but there is no point in having a steady cram session for 4 months. Tell the professor you would rather be playing solitaire, zone out, veg out, whatever. Insult him, tell him you were falling asleep and not paying attention. Do whatever you want, because law school does not matter till finals start. It’s like this 14 week time filler where professors get to try and beat up students, while the kiddies all stress and kill themselves trying to look smart in class. Then you get to the final, and all the 14 weeks worth of nonsense is replaced by 100 True False questions that had nothing to do with what you learned in class, and a couple of essays you can BS through.

In all fairness, I should disclose that at the beginning of law school, I was drinking the Kool-Aid about the Socratic Method. I was triple prepared for every class, notes up the wazoo, highlighted sections, and I reviewed before class. Then one foggy morning, I got called on. I wasn’t prepared. I was hung-over, I was tired, I had to take a leak real bad. And….instead of panicking, or stuttering, I BS’d my way through the case. I got more than half wrong, I looked like an idiot. But after the professor got done calling on me, I saw the truth for what it is. The whole thing was one big joke. They don’t mark you down for being wrong, unprepared, or even dumb. What they say is true, showing up is half the battle (or whatever the stupid slogan is). So the next time you hear some kid talking about he’s up to be called on, or you hear law students talk about it somewhere, laugh at them. Then beat the crap out of them. The average law kid carries at least 40 bucks on them, rob them, and treat yourself to something nice. But as you are punching them in the stomach and stomping on their head, be sure to pepper them with pointless questions about the 1984 AL Batting Title Race, and every time you get an answer, change a fact to make them have to answer you again. That way maybe, just maybe, when they are broke, bloody and with a headache, they will tell the cops about the incident. And the cops will ask if you said anything, and the kid will say “Well officer, he kept asking me if Winfield had decided to choke up and get singles, if he would’ve beaten Mattingly out, then he asked me if Mattingly had hit for more power, would he have won AL MVP.” The officer will say, “Why was he asking you those questions?” To which he will respond, “I don’t know…it was kind of….pointless. Oh well officer, gonna be late for class!”

Parking A**holes...

This is a term that has become quite famous over the years. It is of particular use in cities where street parking is both commonplace and extremely difficult. For example, areas where there are many apartment buildings and many parking restrictions. This always makes for a wonderful 2 hour drive around the block till you get fed up enough to park 12 blocks away.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that as you circle your block for the 23rd time there is a car parked in such a way that if it move forward or backward 6-8 feet there would be room for two other cars to park. This is what we universally refer to as a ‘Parking A**hole’. This person’s blatant disregard for society is inexcusable and infuriating. Many times this is due to an innocent happenstance where that person parked earlier in the day and the person in front and in back moved thus creating extra space on both sides of the car. This is frustrating, but fair and excusable.

Often times however, this is not case. There are times where you know the car, because it has been there before committing the same infraction. It is when this iniquitous, repeat perpetrator strikes that I reach into my pocket for my sharpest key. I won’t just leave this person with a wimpy, feminine ‘my boyfriend cheated on me’ scratch – Oh no, no, no…
I will draw pictures and create all kinds of designs. This person will not have a car when he wakes up in the morning, he will have a masterpiece, signature and all.

Just a word of advice, in the name of humanity and societal togetherness – when you park your car - for a second just remember how long it took you to drive around the block and finally find a spot. Then think about the next person who may want to get home and see his family. This poor shmuck works all week and goes to school at night. There is sometimes only one or two nights per week where he can see his family before they go to sleep. If you simply move your car up a few more feet, he will get to see them; however, if you decide that your being and existence is too important to warrant considering someone else’s happiness and mental well-being, he will be forced to drive around another hour before parking, thus missing the opportunity to see his family. Then you will force him, when he finally has parked his car 7 blocks away, to return to your car and do his best impression of Michelangelo painting the Sistine chapel on your hood. If you are lucky he will not remove any parts of your car that you need to drive.

Then there’s the wonderful mafia-run restaurant on the corner that double parks cars two across and doesn’t seem to be bothered that there are 8 cars and an ambulance waiting behind them to get through. You can’t do anything about this, because they will kill you if you look at them funny. They take their time unloading as many old people with walkers as possible from the back of each car before courteously taking them to be parked in one of the few spots you have been vying for all night. Finally, 2 hours later when the party in the restaurant is over, after waiting for these cars to reload the old people, change their diapers and pull away, there are spots available – that is of course unless a ‘parking a**hole’ grabbed two of them with his compact car.

Things I Don't Appreciate...

The uneducated pizza guy talking in Spanish to the other uneducated pizza guy while I’m standing there, even if they are not talking about me…

Girls who say they will call you on Wednesday to tell you if they can go out on Thursday but never call… (contributed by Chicken Parm)

French people…

People who are nice to me because they want something, but manage to disappear or become a shmuck when it’s time to reciprocate…This is particularly true of law students (and most of the time applies to female law students)…

Guys who feel it’s necessary to wink after they make a joke that may be viewed as teasing or making fun of another… this is not necessary. I obviously got your joke; if I thought you were serious you would not be able to wink because your eyes would be swollen shut…

France…

Non-balding, white males who shave their heads for the look...

People who use annoying phrases and clichés when they don’t apply, like ‘whatnot’, ‘what have you’, ‘we bit off more than we could chew’ and ‘dems da breaks’…

Neo-Nazis

Telemarketers butchering my name…

Calling customer service and having to speak to someone in India, therefore spending 15 minutes on the phone rather than 3…

A guy who comes over to your apartment because your wife is friends with his girlfriend, and he does a horrible job pretending to be a sports fan. These putzes will throw out phrases like, ‘gotta make that!’, ‘be the ball!’ or ‘it’s all about heart!’…

Red Sox Fans…

People who get offended by movies like ‘Animal House’ or ‘Old School’…seriously, lighten up…

Potholes, missing street signs, very sharp-turning high way exits, 2-way streets with room for only 1 car at a time and double parked UPS trucks…

Jews for Jesus…

TV shows like ‘Home Makeover’, ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’, ‘The OC’ and ‘American Idol’ (except for the first couple of episodes where the bad people sing. It makes me laugh when they think they’re really good and their dreams get shattered)…

Rednecks that travel to New York to stand outside ‘The Today Show’ with a ‘Happy Birthday’ Sign for their mother/aunt/sister…

Tobey Maguire playing Spiderman…

Retrospectively – the softy Henry Winkler playing ‘The Fonz’…this is an outrage…

Feel free to add to this list…

Things Eric doesn't appreciate...

My latest pet peeve is people who don’t walk on the right side... People, in America we walk on the right, that's the way traffic flows. So, if you’re on a stairwell, in a hallway, and especially driving an automobile in the USA, get to your right!

Smaller things are people who say absurd and clearly enunciate the first syllable of the word as if the word was UPsurd. I don’t like that.

Weak toothpicks suck as well. They were obviously intended to get junk out of your teeth using some degree of force or strength to do so, yet the damn things snap...well, like twigs.

And finally, for now...and similar to what anonymous said, I can’t stand people who don’t clean up after their dogs when it snows! Do these dumb ass dog owners think that the poop will decompose before the snow melts? Alternatively do they think the laws requiring a pooper-scooper are on the same schedule as alternate side parking regulations...I don’t think they are!People still walk when it has snowed, pick up the poop...you can have a pass on the yellow snow, but if you fail to pick up the poop, yellow snow cone for you!!!

People General R. Blie doesn't appreciate...

People who don't hold the elevator by pretending not to see you. If I choose not to hold the elevator, at least I am up front about it.

Married women who hyphenate their last names. I know its a feminist thing, so people will probably get upset about this. I am fine with people who keep their maiden name (i.e., real feminists). Choose one or the other. What are you trying to do - make half a political statement?

People who make political statements. This group includes: Feminists, Michael Moore, Mel Gibson, The Dixie Chicks, Pedro Martinez and people who hand out flyers on the subway. People who raise their hand with less than two minutes left to class. At least in law school, I have yet to find a comment so worthwhile as to justify overtime.

Similarly, people who feel the need to begin every comment with an anecdote. If your comment needs a backstory, keep it to yourself.

Finally, people who don't wipe off their equipment at the gym. If you think you didn't sweat, you are wrong.

ESPN…it’s not TV…

I have always been a proponent of Black History Month. I’ve never had a problem with the Gay Pride Parades. I’m a big supporter of the Israeli Day Parade. There are few things more entertaining to me than the Puerto Rican Day Parade (the annual post-parade news stories, being one). All things important and cherished should indeed be celebrated, and this is why these annual expressions of solidarity with important institutions and groups are so significant.

However, if all of these institutions can be considered so crucial as to warrant parades, concerts and celebrations, how is it that we do not celebrate the most important institution in modern history? ESPN is a network that has created purpose and meaning to the lives of many men and women (ok, mostly men). This organization has strived to bring sports of all kinds to people of all kinds and has done so astonishingly. I, for one, live ESPN. I watch Sportscenter every morning (at least twice) and evening. I watch tons (understatement) of college basketball and baseball. Sometimes when I’m awake at 12am and cannot sleep, there is nothing on TV and I am depressed. I turn to that magnificent channel, and ‘booyah’! The Lobos are taking on the Red Raiders. I’m set till 2:30am.

Being a full-time student means loads of free time during the days. Back then, that used to mean soap operas (for the feminine) or prank phone calls (for those of us without scrambled porn). But today, it means professional bowling, World’s Strongest Man, or World Series of Poker re-runs. I can watch NFL Films (great music) and NBA’s Greatest Games in the middle of the day. This calls for a much larger celebration than anything else. July 4th is always going to be Independence Day, but we need a day to celebrate Dependence Day. Our Dependence on ESPN is truly marvelous, and should never be taken for granted. The opportunity to watch sports round the clock is truly a remarkable invention.

During the big summer blackout a few years back, I actually pondered the question, would I rather have my air conditioning working or my ESPN? The answer was air conditioning, but it was a tough one. And the answer may have changed after 24 hours (you can only hum the Sportcenter theme music so many times without needing a fix, dunna nuh, dunna nuh).

It is with this in mind that I propose an annual celebration of this wonderful sports network. ESPN Appreciation Day should be a day of joy and happiness unmatched by all. Chris Berman, Dan Patrick and Linda Cohn should no longer be just anchors, but hailed as monarchs and prophets along with other ESPN greats. The Sportcenter ‘Top Ten’ is not a daily bit, it is a daily carnival. ‘Web Gems’ are not just highlights, they are gospel. ‘Did You Know’ is not trivia, it’s prophecy. ESPN is indeed, The Truth!

Little League Parents...A Good Thing?

Contributed by AJS...

I recently went to watch my cousin play in an intramural hockey league. He is in 4th grade and his class is split up into a few teams so that every kid has a chance to play. For most of these kids, it is the first time they are touching a hockey stick and they are only playing because their classmates are and like hell they’re going to be the dorky kid. Most of them don’t know a goal from a basket and only care that their team has a better record than the kid sitting behind him in class.

I got there early and watched part of an earlier game with my cousin. I noticed that one of the coaches, a parent of a child on that team, was holding a clipboard like an NHL coach, with the hockey rink and a white board marker. During a time out he could be seen diagramming a detailed play like Scotty Bowman instructing the Red Wings how to run their power play. Most of the kids were looking around to see if their parents were there or deciding what video games to play after. Yet the coach kept making X’s and O’s. When play resumed and his kids “messed up” the diagramed play, the coach yelled as loud as he could at these kids trying to get them to do what he wanted.

My first reaction was that this is the type of parent that they write about in Sports Illustrated. The “Crazy Little League Parent” that goes too far and hits a kid or referee or even gets tossed from the gym (though that would at least be entertaining – have you ever watched 4th graders play hockey? It’s similar to women’s basketball, but with a little more athleticism). I was tempted to go over and tell him to shut his trap and let these kids enjoy their game. So what if a 4th grader doesn’t know how to play the body or lift a stick, high school kids can’t either. Besides they are playing floor hockey, not ice hockey. There’s no professional floor hockey league (truth be told, there’s not much of a professional ice hockey league now either). These kids just want to have fun and hope their team wins. They shouldn’t be yelled at, but rather taught how to play.

But then it occurred to me that this parent may be a “Crazy Little League Parent,” but really, what is wrong with that? These coaches usually fit one of the following categories: The ex-athlete who can’t play anymore for various reasons (age, knees comb-over gets in his eyes when he sweats, obesity) and he needs the competition so he coaches his kid’s team; or the guy who was never good at sports and his kid isn’t either, so he coaches to make sure his kid plays and pushes him to be an athlete. In either of these cases, can you really blame him for being so serious about the game? (Yeah, I guess you can).

I once heard something very interesting from an old school basketball coach. When told that it doesn’t matter if you win or lose as long as you have fun, he responded with, “it is only fun if you win!” No one likes losing. These parents yell at the kids and try and design plays and bench kids when they can’t follow the plays. They are trying to make the kids better by making them winners. No one wants to go home having just lost a game whether it is the coach or player. The kids are learning that you should take everything seriously and try and excel at everything you do at an early age. The parents that tell the kid that it’s ok if they lose 8-0 as long as they have fun will be very happy when their child flunks the bar after 3 years of law school, as long as he tries hard (To see how they got into law school, please see JP’s article). The parents tell them that it is ok because at least they made an effort. You will never hear Larry Brown tell his team that they should just go out and have fun and not care if they win or lose. He will bark at them to get back in position. If you are not teaching the kids to strive for excellence, even at a 4th grade hockey game then what is it that you are teaching them?

Competitive nature is good for people to have. I am going to want my children to come home and say we won the championship. I am going to volunteer to coach so I can teach them to play the right way. Let other parents complain or tell me I am crazy. But my kid will have a trophy and their kid will go home and play with his Barbie dolls because all that matters is that he is having fun.

EZ Pass Is Easy…

Some people just take too long to catch on. Each year they close down more cash lanes and open more EZ Pass lanes. Each time they do this traffic moves more freely and more clearly on bridges, through tunnels and on highway stretches. Yet for some reason every time I pull up to the EZ Pass toll and look to my right, there is a line of anywhere from 12 to 4,200 cars lined up waiting to pay cash. Now this would be understandable if some guy was going to visit his girlfriend and didn’t want his wife to see his trip on the EZ Pass bill, but I doubt that everybody in that line is doing that (at least I hope not). I look over to my right and shake my head in pity and disgust that people could be this dumb.

It does not cost any extra money to use EZ Pass; in fact it costs less money. The ease of signing up is astounding when you think about other bureaucratic muddles that we deal with on a daily basis. You simply go online, fill out a form and wait the traditional 6-8 weeks. It’s really not bad at all. It actually can take longer to wait on a line in a post office to send a letter, renew a license at the DMV or wait on hold in regards to student loans, than it can to receive your very own key to freedom – EZ Pass. This might be the greatest motorist-related invention since they put radio controls on the steering wheel (can’t beat that).

Furthermore, it completely eliminates the necessity of carrying cash with you. With EZ Pass and a credit card, you are truly free to roam the country. Before EZ Pass one always needed to be sure to carry some extra cash with him/her in case an unforeseen trip across the Hudson was necessary. Picture this scenario, you regrettably find yourself in the sorry state of New Jersey. You would like to travel across the GWB for the quickest possible escape, but alas, you have no cash. You are now stranded in NJ and must find a bank with an ATM. This will involve getting lost 6 or 7 times, finding the ATM – broken of course, and getting lost another few times before finding a working one. Then you must first venture out onto one of the infamous ‘routes’ in search of the GWB. Whereas, had you purchased EZ Pass you could be as broke as homeless man with a crack addiction and still reach the promised land of New York.

Yet for some inexplicable reason, there are educated, non-learning-disabled human beings who do not sign up for this service. Why? Why in the name of all that is holy would you do something like that?!? Great Caesar’s Ghost! You could be saving an average of 10 minutes per trip! I think if I ever found out that one of these societal misfits was a daily commuter I would have to put him out of his misery. It’s bad enough for a casual commuter, but for someone to be so dumb as to wait on that line day in and day out without ever once inquiring as to why the 8 lanes next to them don’t have to stop (of course assuming they are illiterate and cannot read the EZ Pass advertisement next to the cash lane) is too stupid for that person’s existence to be allowed to continue.

So from now on, whenever you drive across a bridge or through a tunnel, when you are cruising through the EZ Pass lane and look over to the right and see the long line of “cash” people – do them a favor – roll down your window, whip out your emergency megaphone and release a laugh so deep that your belly hurts. Maybe they’ll get the hint.

with inspiration from, strangely enough, AJS...

Jeopardy and Losers: An Amazing Correlation…

By JP..

I am not a big fan of Ken Jennings. First of all, he reminds me of all those nerdy kids in grade school who used to tell on me for throwing spit balls. He represents to me that one kid in junior high who memorized every state and country capital and mountain range to win the Geography Bee. He represents to me one person, Andrew Groski. Andrew was the valedictorian of my junior high school. He was an automatic A on every test he took and book report he wrote. He was a studying machine. Trouble was he also had the personality of a cardboard cutout. He was bland, he was boring. He was stiff, he was uptight, and the sad part is, he was only 13 years old. Every time I see Ken Jennings, I think of that kid. I was rooting against Jennings every time he played, cursing him out when he ran up over 2.5 million in prize money. He is a Mormon too. Mormons are so boring; the only interesting part about Mormons is that they believe in polygamy. However now that is outlawed, so they are just a bunch of boring people who don’t drink, smoke or do much else. No wonder why that guy knew everything, he couldn’t have any fun, so he must’ve just memorized the almanac and encyclopedia in between glasses of milk and eating carrot sticks.

I don’t like that Alex Trebec either. I used to like him, until he shaved his mustache and tried to be funny. What’s next in his mid-life crisis? Is he going to grow a pony tail and a goatee and start trying to be a hells angel? Trebec hated Ken Jennings, you could tell, they had no chemistry, and the fact that Alex was finally shown to be just an idiot reading answers off of cue cards probably made Trebec hit the bottle just a little harder.

Oh, as for that kid Groski, we both applied to the same high school, which only was going to take 1 kid from our school. Him - mister perfect GPA, altar boy, student of the month every time, and the dude who won every spelling, geography and math bee ever - didn’t get in. The guy who did get in was the one who got reprimanded on a weekly basis for spitball fights, putting a banana in a teachers tailpipe (her car’s tailpipe you sicko), and was always late for class. The kid snapped - he couldn’t believe he failed. In fact, he started sending death threats to all the kids in the class. Of course, I got blamed for it at first, but when it turned out to be little boy Andrew, the faculty all thought it was a cute joke. Needless to say, last I heard, he joined the military after going to West Point. Maybe the reason there are problems in Iraq is because idiots like that are probably playing a big role in what goes on over there.

As for Ken Jennings, I think I plan on trying out for Jeopardy, and beating his record. Except instead of being boring and talking about my stamp collection, I will smoke cigarettes and drink a 40 during the meet the contestants portion just to make things interesting.

The Space Program…

This is the biggest waste of time. For thousands of years our civilization has managed just fine on our own screwing up an environment and creating war and poverty. Why in the hell would we want to spread our grossly tainted DNA into outer-space?

Astronauts – can’t these people get real jobs? These are the losers who spent all of elementary school doing weird science projects and sticking firecrackers in frogs’ asses (“to see what would happen”). Then they hit high school and the dream was born – “I want to find out what would happen if I lit a firecracker in a frog’s ass…with no gravity! Finally, college comes along and these degenerates who couldn’t hack it as accounting majors and were too stupid for medical school got together and decided to start the space program. The figured they’ll convince the President that if they can go to space, they will learn things about our planet and our people.

This is the dumbest idea ever. How are you going to learn about our people and our planet, by leaving it and them for a completely different and dissimilar planet? This makes no sense. You want to learn about the Earth and its people? Spend billions of dollars on the same smart people who actually built the space ships, and ask them to study the Earth and its people; not Mars and whether or not it ever had water. Who gives a damn if Mars had water? What are you going to do – send a spaceship with a hose and make it rain in Somalia? I think we should lower taxes, get rid of the space program and put astronauts into mental institutions. There are obviously some serious issues going on with these people. Frankly, they’re antisocial.

The only time the space program becomes interesting is when a space shuttle explodes. The President has to come on TV and make a nice speech and talk about continuing to explore and learn and all the other BS. Growing up I used to be very interested in the space program. I used to cry whenever there was an accident. Then I realized I had already learned the big lesson space has to offer. Every time a space shuttle crashes this lesson is repeated and nobody pays attention. It’s called gravity. The effect of gravity on the space ship at such a high speed, going through so many levels of atmosphere is not a good thing for the space shuttle or those aboard. Let me illustrate this in a simple formula I created:

Space Shuttle + explosions + genetic misfits +gravity –big mattress to land on = DEATH

I don’t know, it just seems simple to me. NASA keeps talking about investigating ways for these accidents not to happen. I have the answer – Do NOT send flying explosives carrying humans and monkeys to a place where all the elements are not known. I think this calls for another formula.

No space shuttles = No dead astronauts

The space program is an irresponsible practice and needs to be stopped. The danger and financial burden far outweigh the benefits.

$$$ + keeping people alive > 3rd grade dirt experiment done 1.2 million miles into space

Despite the entertaining light show every time there is an explosion, it is not worth watching the orphaned children on TV after their mentally-challenged parent gets blown to bits for trying to ride a controlled explosion. I have a kid and I cringe every time I have to go on an airplane, but somehow these morons are ok leaving their families to fly into space…whatever.

A Comment from The General...

I only wish I knew the identity of the person who left this comment, but I felt it warranted its own post... Thanks for the contribution...

I just want to congratulate EDS and JP on becoming one more item on my list of things to do in class instead of paying attention. This list has been growing longer and longer throughout law school. At this point, I don’t have enough time during class to complete everything. I will probably have to stop going to class altogether. As JP pointed out, the first day is the most important anyway – when you look around and find out whose notes your going to get.

I have two points. First, on the subject of instant gratification and impatience: The root cause of the need for instant gratification is the remote control. For thousands of years, humans were forced to follow the general rule of – if you want something quicker, you must work faster, which usually meant working harder. The lazier you were, the longer it took to get what you want, the more patient you were forced to be. Then the remote was invented. The remote was ingenious. Now people can get the joy of laziness without the need to be patient.

I am not trying to be critical of the remote. I think it ranks up there with the wheel, indoor plumbing and pizza as one of the greatest inventions ever. The remote is one of those little things you never appreciate until its gone. Last week, I fell asleep watching the Daily Show. I woke up in the morning to the sound of infomercials. Although Ron Popeil was making a compelling argument for purchasing a flavor injector (which, for those unfamiliar with it, is a giant syringe used to ram various marinades into poultry), it was very important to switch to ESPN, but the remote was nowhere to be found. [Maybe this can be addressed in a later post – how many people have the irrational habit of watching Sportscenter at night and then again in the morning? Although a major sports story almost never breaks between midnight and 8AM, I always make sure to catch that morning show, just in case.] Now I was torn. I had two little devils standing on my shoulder. My laziness was telling me to stay in bed – it’s Comedy Central eventually something funny will come on. My impatience said, find the remote and change the channel. In the end, my laziness won and I watched the entire infomercial. That morning I learned an important lesson about patience and, more importantly, flavor injecting.

Second, on the topic of people that annoy me: There is one driving habit that gets me more pissed than being cut off – People who take the HOV lane and drive slower than the people in the regular lanes. I think environmentalists should picket their homes. They are destroying the entire carpool movement. Although I have never actively sought to change my car from a low occupancy vehicle, or LOV, to a HOV, I still expect to get the benefit when I happen to have a passenger. (I rightfully should, as the world revolves around me.) The concept is simple - HOV lanes don’t work unless they are faster than the other lanes. There is nothing more frustrating than getting stuck behind some schmuck in the HOV lane (which always happens right after you pass one of those “no exit for 30 miles” signs).

These people are impervious to any signals that they are driving too slowly. Honking, flashing your brights and tailgating only causes these people to slow down. These people are morons. If we are going to make differential lanes, morons should have their own lane. There should be a lane for people who cannot figure out the concept of driving, a separate lane for people who drive well and finally, there should be a third lane reserved for myself and Jeff Gordon.

Until that happens, I will have to avoid the HOV lane, or spend countless hours cruising at 35 mph behind some old man (and his dog, which he counts as a passenger) wishing I could stab him with my flavor injector. If I only had some sort of James Bond car with missiles, so I could blow up the evil old man and his little dog too. Of course, James Bond never had to resort to these measures because he only drives on special European roads, which only allow James Bond, evil geniuses, hot women in sports cars and, for some reason, hay-carts.
--General R. Blie

Instant Gratification…

By JP...

Ok, before we get back to the law school myths, with parts on the Socratic Method, law school socializing, the day of the average law student, professors and the ivory tower, Grades, backstabbing and law school and finally wrapping it up with a retrospective of what I actually learned in law school, I want to do something a bit different right now. By the way, if there is anything you want me to cover or have questions on, just leave it in a comment and I will do it. But for now, I want to cover another topic - The idea of instant gratification.

When I was in high school, we were subjected every year to the kids on the speech team doing there little oratories in front of the whole school. For the most part, it sounded like a bunch of guys trying out for “It’s Raining Men-the Musical.” But one time, this kid gave a speech about the land of instant milk and honey. The basic gist being, that in our day and age, we all want instant results. Products are guaranteed to make you lose 10 lbs in 3 days. Cold medication will have you feeling better within hours. There are lots of products out there aimed at getting people who are unhappy about some aspects of their lives a quick and easy fix. People have even come up with this concept of speed dating, where if you are lonely, you can go on a date with 20 different girls in an hour. You go from table to table for 3 minutes, meeting a different girl, and at the end of the night, you get to check off a box saying whether or not you want to date them again.

With all these concepts of quicker, faster ways to make you happy, what it has really done is create an environment where everyone is impatient. Now I would love to sit here and make fun of all those impatient people, saying how Rome wasn’t built in a day, or how all good things come to those who wait, or whatever other BS I have heard through the years. But the fact of the matter is I am just as impatient as the next guy. I want results fast, quick and with as little pain as possible.

When I get sick, I will down a whole bottle of Nyquil, thinking that within one night, I can rid myself of a fever or a really bad sore throat. If I like a girl, I can’t wait for nature to take its course, I am on it like Michael Jackson at a nursery school. If I have weight to lose, I don’t follow the slow and steady diet; I try and lose as much weight as possible without killing myself. The problem is, when I don’t get over my illness, or when the girl doesn’t come knocking down my door and profess her devotion to me, or if I don’t look like Arnold Schwartznegger in Commando after 2 weeks of hitting the gym, I get discouraged. I give up. I crawl back into my cave, and write a post for this website.

What this all comes down to is, that like most people, I don’t think Galileo or Copernicus got it right, or whomever said the world revolves around the sun. I have become convinced this world revolves around me. If someone acts in a way that pisses me off, I am convinced it’s because they did it to spite me. If everyone around me is sick, I know that everything is okay, as long as I don’t get sick. It is a pretty egotistical way to look at the world, except I find that everyone seems to look at the world in the same way. The problem becomes then - if we have 6 billion people thinking they are the true center of the universe - that means 599,999,999,999 people are wrong. I have a tough time grasping the concept that I really am not the person that means most here. While all men are created equal, don’t try and tell me that you don’t think God gave you just a little more to make you extra special.

I don’t even know where this ego came from. I was not the type of kid whose parents sang their praises to everyone in earshot. My teachers growing up thought I was bright, but I was never the standout superstar kid who got Student of the Month every damn time around. I was not particularly a great athlete as a kid, I played a lot of baseball, but I was never heralded as the next Babe Ruth. Even as life progressed, I was never valedictorian, or the kid who won the science fair. Yet I still think that in some way, this world revolves around me.

This isn’t some self-loathing piece; don’t think good ole JP is sitting here with a bottle of scotch and sleeping pills wondering how he got this way. But the only way I can understand why we all feel we are entitled to something more, why we deserve the instant gratification is by looking at myself. Don’t get me wrong, as I sit here, hungry, wasting time when I need to be working on a paper, I wonder why I can’t just clap my hands, have some beautiful girl come here with a nice dish of penne arriabiata, while she types up my paper so I can watch cartoons. The thing is, if someone else told me that, I would think they were self-absorbed and a jerk. When I think it, it makes perfect sense that I deserve that luxury. Maybe in the end, what it comes down to is not that we live in a world of instant gratification and me-first, instead, we live in a world where everyone just hasn’t realized that besides G-d, they are putting the wrong person second. Everyone, no matter if they are married with kids, or are the pope, should put G-d first, and me second. Once the world works on pleasing me, then everything else, is just gravy.

Pompous Jackasses…

Here’s a group of individuals that needs to be eliminated. These exact same people who NEED to be made fun of and abused emotionally, are the very same people who get offended and force such talk out of any medium of communication. These people can be classified quite simply – they are people who take themselves way too seriously.

I don’t like these people. In fact I despise their existence. I spend lots of free time trying to figure out ways to provoke and mistreat them. I figure if they are going to be jackasses, they might as well amuse me, like the real jackasses. The only difference is that on MTV when a “Jackass” burns himself with a cigarette or is force-fed live goldfish, it’s by choice; when these real-life-jackasses I speak of are forced to eat live animals, or are thrown from moving vehicles, it is by MY choice, not theirs.

These are the same idiots who go to town hall meetings and raise their hands to volunteer as chairmen of different community functions. That’s right the shmuck who told you that the fence you want to build around your house may have a zoning issue – he’s not a lawyer, he’s not a judge, he doesn’t even have any authority – he’s simply an a**hole who raised his hand at a meeting of 5 people and volunteered to chair the “Pre-Real Decision, Unimportant Zoning Board”. He gets a business card, stationary and a free prescription of Enzyte. He begins to walk around town with his shoulders held a little higher, and even a slight bounce in his step. This sad human needs to be brought back down to reality. This man needs to be kicked in the nuts.

This is the same type of person who tells you to “please take your seat” at community functions. I am not a two-year old. If I feel like sitting, I’ll sit. If I want to stand, I will stand. If you can’t concentrate on your little uneducated, amateurish rambling because I’m standing when you asked me not to, well that’s too freaking bad. You are a person. You are not more important than any other person in the room. You are very much like the driver who cuts people off on his way to work, and we all know where he ends up. (See Here).

Often times these morons can’t achieve satisfaction in their own personal lives. They never make the school athletic team, they don’t get into their first choice of college and they end up working a dead-end job with little advancement opportunity. They will always have a boss at work, and their wives are constantly telling them what to do. Therefore, under the guise of getting involved in the community, they must take out this frustration of always being a follower on the people around them who do not give a crap. If you notice, it’s never a happy, successful and fulfilled person who is the self-appointed community bulletin chairman. No – it’s usually a miserable prick. The same miserable prick who coaches your son’s little league team every year even though he doesn’t even have a kid that age (“he loves to coach the kids”). The same prick that comes to community functions wearing his pride in his position as Co-chair of the Society for Acts of Vandalism and Other Rude Behavior on his sleeve along with a gay pin acknowledging the same. He claims to be goal-oriented, but has never achieved a goal in his life.

These people need to be phased out. Even if just one at a time. So take a stand. Don’t allow these people to take themselves too seriously at your expense. And if they do, make sure you have a little fun, at their expense…

A Guide to Excelling in College, Without Going…

I have given the assignment of uncovering the law school myth to my esteemed colleague, JP, and he is doing a wonderful job. It has come to my attention that we have a number of college students as daily visitors among the hundreds and hundreds of other readers. Therefore, I present a guide to getting through college with at least a 3.7 GPA.

College is a scam. In fact to paraphrase (for the purposes of political correctness – which will be the subject of a post down the road I’m sure) a great radio show host, it’s the biggest scam since religion. Basically you (or your parents, if you are lucky) are paying $25,000 (again, if you’re lucky) for a 3-4 year gym membership. That’s all there is to do in college, play ball and work out. You can sleep too, but after a few weeks, the novelty of sleeping all day wears off and you need to work out and get tired to further develop your sleep enjoyment.

Class - This is the most overrated area in college. Somehow many students believe that they need to actually be in class to do well on finals. This is a farce. Now, it is understandable and in fact forgivable if it takes one semester to figure this out. However, if you are in your second or third year of college and are still regularly attending more than 15% of your classes (I’ll take a conservatively high percentage), you probably do homework, started a society of some kind which is geared towards the furthering of some academic goal, major in philosophy or psychology and you will probably end up teaching in the same college you now attend. This is because you spent, or are spending, your entire college career in class, the least important place you can be when pursuing a future career that might pay more than minimum wage.

The most important aspect of building a career is building a network and building people skills. Intensely writing down every word a professor says about how many wives King Tut had and killed unfortunately will not impact your future in anyway. Getting out and meeting people, perhaps working a little and partaking in an entertaining extra-curricular activity (this does not include mathletes and science club) will help you along just fine.

Grades - So, you’re worried about your grades. Don’t worry. That’s what accounting majors are for. These helpless souls will be in every class, even the ones that don’t have to do with their major. They will take notes and outline the class. They will write papers. They will be your friends. You will treat them as if they are cool, and they will want to be your friend. Basically, you will say hi to them outside of class in front of others, thus making them cool by association – in return you will receive notes and outlines and even papers. Furthermore, since you are infinitely smarter than these geeks (hey, they chose accounting as a career, can’t be that brilliant, with one exception – love ya babe!) you will actually do better than them in school. Never let them know that. Let them feel that they are helping you while still maintaining a competitive GPA. Then at graduation, you can laugh at them when your name is in the honors column instead of theirs. Go over and thank them for getting you through college. Tell them to call you in a few years if they are looking for a job.

Finals – You do NOT need to start studying for a final until the night before (if it’s a morning final) or the day of (if an evening final). The material is not difficult. In fact, a retarded gorilla on a coke-high could answer many of the questions on your final exam. However, this does not mean that you should not begin “preparing” for the final a few days before.

To prepare for a final there is one crucial piece of property you must obtain. In fact, this is the most important thing you can own in college – a photocopier card. These little pieces of plastic hold the key to your GPA. At this point in time you begin to round up your posse of accounting geeks and start eating lunch with them. I guarantee they will have all their notes with them. At lunch you bring up the final and how worried you are (this will take good acting, because unlike you, these putzes are actually worried). They will offer you all kinds of help and ask you to join their study group. DO NOT join their study group. Only go to the last meeting when they go over the old tests (or stolen test, which is infinitely better). Take their notes and outlines and photocopy them. Put them away till the prescribed time before the test (see above).

All in all, college can be a great time. It can be challenging and stimulating. It can be fun, meaningful and important and can be the key to building your future. It CANNOT, however, be any of these great things if you waste your time going to class and doing school work. This is unproductive and frankly, not interesting. For example, take a guy named Otter. Otter did not go to class. In fact he spent most of his college life drinking and being merry. Otter ended up being quite successful and happily married. The great Dean Wormer says, "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life". This is true, but it is sure as hell a great way to go through college.

And by the way… What in the HELL is a “mathlete” – are you freaking kidding me?!?

Part II - Law School requires you to work from Day 1 till the minute before a Final…

Part II of an exclusive report from our Chief Staff Writer, JP... The skeletons are coming out, the myth is being called...

There is this old tale about law schools, that on the first day of orientation back in the 50’s when every law school was just rich WASP males, the dean of students, probably some crusty dude, would get up, say “Look to the left of you, look to the right of you, by the time you graduate only 1 of you will remain.” Then the rich WASP boys would get into a panic, drink a martini, and blame everything on the Jews. By the time graduation rolled around 2 years later, these were no longer merely college graduates, these were seasoned lawyers, trained in the Socratic method (which is the subject of a whole other section) well versed in Black Letter Law and most importantly, these men were trained to think like a lawyer. They gave up their social lives, never enjoyed a night out, or a night with their wives or girlfriends. They studied from sun up to sun down like a government mule plowing for its master. They lost a lot of colleagues along the way, because after all, law school was hard, and those who could not commit to studying 24/7 were not tough enough to survive.

In the 1970’s, a book came out called OneL. It was about Scott Turow’s first year at Harvard Law School. It describes an incredibly competitive environment where students did exactly what I described in paragraph one; except, they got more ruthless. They went to the bookstore, bought every study aid, every horn book, anything to try and get the edge. In the end, Turow hardly saw his wife, never had fun, and was always studying, only to get mediocre grades. You learned that once again, some of his friends could not cut it and that by the time his first year was done, the hard work made them succumb to the pressure and drop out.

In 2002, I went to my first day of law school. I had bought into the myth, so much so that my first couple of months I practically lived in the library. I would study 4-6 hours a day, on top of classes. My weekends were spent studying all day long. I went out maybe 1 day a week. My relationship with my then girlfriend suffered, because I never had time for her. My friends from the neighborhood, high school and college all put my face on the back of milk cartons because they never saw me. I had succumbed to the trap. Then sometime after I got my first semester grades, I fell into a different trap. A trap I had fallen into all too many times. That was the lazy trap. I stopped doing homework; I skipped classes like a little girl skips a jump rope. I stopped paying attention. When finals rolled around, I turned to my friend EDS and said, what do you think we should do. EDS and I both did the only thing we knew; we decided to just circumvent the system. Rather than spend 100 hours outlining a course, just call up some geek who did it last year and took their outline. The key to law school, much like the key to anything else, is not reinventing the wheel or the bread-slicer, but instead, just using the products of those idiots who were too stupid not to figure out that law school is not hard. Each semester since the first, my GPA has remained the same or gone up, but the amazing thing is, each semester I have done less and less work. You might think, big deal, anyone can get Straight C’s. But the problem is, neither I, nor EDS or any of the other idiots we work with have bad grades, as a matter of fact, we are all near the top. How did we pull this off? Quite simply, we learned early on in our careers that law school is not a marathon; instead, it’s a poker game. All you got to do is bluff to the professor that you actually know the crap. I have gotten A’s in classes, and if you asked me what a suretyship was or how to file for default judgment, I would draw a complete blank and tell you that there are many ways to describe it. Of course, after 5 minutes of BSing you, I would hope you lost interest and walk away, before it becomes quite evident I know nothing.

They say law school is about teaching you to “think like a lawyer.” After 3 years, I still don’t know what that means. One thing I did learn was taking advantage of the law school myth that it takes a lot of work. Whenever there is something going on and I really don’t want to go I just cite all the work I have to do. When I am late for an appointment or to meet someone, I explain how I got caught up in my Trust and Estates homework. When someone needs a favor and I don’t want to flat out say no, I explain how I’d love to, but I got a research assignment to finish. That is the one beauty of all these law school myths; nobody knows how little work it really takes. You can fool family, friends, bosses, women you’ve just met. It’s like getting all the benefits of being a hard-worker, without having to be working hard.

There is only one time you actually have to work hard, and that is right before finals. For 2 weeks, you study your ass off. Except even now, I don’t do that. Last spring I picked up course material for the first time 6 hours before then final, and still did quite well. Last semester, I had a final in 2 days and knew next to nothing, yet somehow, I still beat the curve. In the end, I think the key to law school success in not working hard and bogging down your brain with extra nonsense. It is 2 days before a final, just studying the essentials. The next time someone says they want to go to law school, but afraid it will be too hard, point them to this piece. And if someone tells you how sorry they are they couldn’t make it to your son’s Bris because they had so much Contracts homework, point them to this piece and tell them, “I am on to you and your myth that you are working hard.” The question is: what do law students do with all that time they claim to be working? Well, that’s the subject of another section of the law school myth debunked report.

Law School Myths- It’s all one big lie.

A tell-all piece from our Chief Staff Writer, JP...

I think the Wizard of Oz sucks. The coloring stinks, the songs are annoying, and Dorothy ended up being a cult hero among the limp wrist population. The main reason I hate the wizard of oz is because in the end, the great and powerful wizard who can solve all problems, give that tin man a heart, the scarecrow some brains, and the lion a set of testes, ends up doing nothing but giving prizes to them. Oh, and the 2 hour long movie is spent with Dorothy wanting to go home, and in the end, she just had to click her stupid shoes and say there is no place like home.

Let me tell you, clicking your shoes together and saying there is no place like home doesn’t work. How do I know? Because I try it every day I am in law school. And no matter how much I close my eyes and tap my shoes like Sammy Davis Jr. on crack, I still end up in the same lame ass lecture.

But this is not about my fantasies of being with midgets and flying monkeys, no this is about a sad reality. Ladies and gentlemen, we have been lied to. We lie to our children. What lie do we tell them? No its not about Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or that when we all die we go to this wonderful place heaven. The lie that is being perpetrated across America is that Law School is hard. Law School is prestigious. Law School is a lot of work. The simple truth is…Law School is a joke. In this multi-part expose, I will expose all the lies of law school. But because of my inherent laziness and the fact that this could probably take days, I am going to do it piece by piece. Starting with the biggest myth about law school, that law school is filled with the world’s most intelligent minds.

You know that old lotto commercial, all it takes is a dollar and dream? Well, to get into law school, all you need is 100k or a bank to lend it to you, and you are in. Never have I seen a bigger collection of morons, misfits, anti-social, pompous, arrogant, self-absorbed schmucks who could not think their way out of a paper bag. Why is that? Because there are over 180 law schools in the country, with about 20,000 spots for them. What ends up happening is, they let anyone in with a LSAT score above normal and decent GPA in college. Now I don’t know about you, but my college, which is a pretty decent one, was a joke. I slept through class, worked full time, never did homework, and still almost graduated with honors. These morons were the type whose Mommies and Daddies gave them a credit card, said have fun, just get good grades. Essentially, they were the ugly kids with no dates on Friday and Saturdays. Sure they all tell stories about how cool they were in high school, but my theory is, if you are good-looking, partied a lot, chances are you were not thinking about law school. But I digress.

This is how I imagine a law school admissions office works outside Harvard, Yale, NYU, Columbia, and the rest of the top 25:

Admissions officer: Oh we got an applicant here, Suzy Rottenbush, says here she was incarcerated for Shoplifting. She also was institutionalized for being a compulsive liar. Her personal essay is about maxing out her Daddy’s credit cards, and how when she cried and showed her cleavage at Bloomingdales, the sales attendant let her go without paying.

Admissions officer 2, (filing her nails): What’s her LSAT score and GPA

Admissions officer 1: 134 on LSATs, 2.9 GPA

Admissions officer 2: What school did she go to?

Admissions officer 1: uhhh….Syracuse?

Admissions officer 2: Cut her loose

Admissions officer 1: Wait, it says here her dad is the owner of Peep World, and can pay full tuition!

Admissions 2: Let her in, if she fails out, at least we make 40,000 off her.

Alright maybe that is not the way it happens, but still. There is nothing stopping any of you from getting into law school. An ex-girlfriend of mine, who took 5 years to get her two year associates degree, worked at a strip club, and still got into law school. In reality, law school should just be called…COLLEGE II. But that’s the subject of the next chapter.

The Right to Equality is NOT the Right to Define Equality for Others…

Ahh, the power of the cup...

Alright, I think it’s time to bring up an area that provides me with immense entertainment, though I fear someday it will be a source of great annoyance. That’s right - Feminism. Now, let me start off by saying I am not chauvinistic in any way. I believe in the whole “she can do anything he can do” mantra. If a woman wants to work, go ahead. She wants to stay home, that’s cool too. I don’t have to deal with pregnancy and birth, I’ve seen it - I don’t want to deal with it. You choose what you want to do, I’ll do the other. It really doesn’t matter to me. What does bother me are the stark feminists (yeah, you know the type – your Constitutional Law professors for example), who decided that their opinion on the female role in society is the final opinion.

The vast majority of women I know would prefer to be home with their kids and doing errands. This is absolutely NOT an inferior choice, it is simply A choice. Many women choose to work, this is NOT a superior choice, it is merely A choice. Hey, plenty of men choose to be unemployed white trash - this is not an inferior choice, merely A choice. Along come the feminists and decide that any woman not doing exactly what a man is doing and better is somehow enslaved. Bull S#%&!
There’s a reason that a blessing is recited every morning by orthodox Jews that says, “thank you for not making me a woman”. They have a harder life, and it is naturally harder for them to accomplish certain goals. No amount of bitching and whining about equality is going to change this reality. Despite popular feminist belief, this is not the man’s fault. Talk to your creator - He gave you the parts, and I believe that He has a no-return policy.

What if men were to start a movement called “Masculinism”? Masculinism would be dedicated to ensuring that no man ever played second fiddle to a woman. This in effect would hold the same goals as the feminist movement, thus providing a clash between the two. What man wouldn’t sign up for that battle? We could march into war against the Femme-Nazis. We’d wear our protective cups outside our pants as a symbol of defiance. Any corporation that hired a female over a male would incur the wrath of 100 unemployed homosexuals outside their building with signs and speakers. And G-d help any woman who made an advance on a man at work. Forget sexual harassment charges, that would be the least of her worries. The ‘masculinists’ would hold a rally outside her house and call her a slut until she, her family, and everyone else in America believed it.

This is similar to my problem with anti-abortion activists. Get a job. Stop telling people what they can or can’t do based on your religious beliefs. I am not even going to enter into the merits here, because you can’t win either way. Anti-gay marriage activists – likewise, find something better to do with your time. Nobody is forcing YOU to marry a homosexual. Why should someone else’s choice of lifestyle offend you in such a manner that you give up on living any sort of useful, society-enhancing existence in exchange for a miserable life of trying to keep others down. You live in America, where people get to choose their style of living. You do NOT get to choose it for them - that would be Iran.

Back to the feminists, the same applies to you. People get to make a choice. You do not get to choose for them. You can fight for this right to choose, but not to dictate the choice itself. If you decide to continue this crusade of insanity, I will be forced to lead a coalition of the willing against you. I know, I know, “hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn”. But wait till you see a pissed off Dad who just lost his job to a single, under-qualified, dependant lesbian who threatened her way into the job with speeches about equality and women’s liberation…

Special Thanks to Drek for the inspiration on this one...

Allow Steroids in Sports...?

Here’s a theoretical argument for you. Maybe they should legalize drug-use in sports. I know they are illegal in the United States, but that fact didn’t seem to bother any athletes before it all hit the fan the last few months. There are numerous arguments against this, and they all make sense, but frankly as sports fans that are in it for one reason and one reason only – to see the highest level of competition and entertainment possible – should we give a damn?

I propose that we should not give a damn. Speaking purely as a sports fan with no moral compass or ethical guidance, I do not care about these athletes or their families. I want to see them hit ridiculous home runs, throw down monstrous dunks, and injure one another with ferocious tackles. Hey, it entertains me, and you know what? It entertains you too. Sports Center’s “Top 10 Plays” never shows a guy hitting a double the other way; but Bonds’ 450 foot homeruns are on there every time. They never show a fundamental “wrapping the legs” tackle; but when a juiced up, over developed monstrosity almost rips someone’s head off with a high-body hit, his down-syndrome-like vocabulary gets multiple post-game interviews. Rarely do we see highlights of 5 players touching the basketball and swinging to the weak side for an open jumper; but we often see a coke-headed muscle man knock down 2 guys with a dunk and then scream out his “extra-adrenaline” pill for 12 seconds on the way back down court.

Should we care that these athletes are literally killing themselves mentally and physically to compete for our entertainment? Hell no! It’s not our fault. It’s the athlete’s sick father’s fault. This nutcase never fulfilled his own athletic goals and therefore pushed onto his son the responsibility of fulfilling them for him. In doing so, he created a neurotic mess who will stop at nothing to become the best. He will shrink his testicles, grow disgusting amounts of back hair and become a walking ED advertisement simply to hit a few more homers for Dad – his first and favorite coach.

Then in a few years this athlete will stand at the Hall of Fame podium, weighing a good 45 pounds less than he did when he played, and will tearfully thank his Dad for coaching him from day one and for always being there for him. He will then walk off stage holding his colostomy bag in one hand and his Hall of Fame plaque in the other, genuinely feeling that he was one of the best athletes his respective sport ever produced.
More importantly, I will have been immeasurably entertained by his career. LT would not have been nearly as entertaining if he was not a cokehead, nor would Darryl or Doc. McGuire and Sosa would have been average players. Bonds would have been great, but nobody would care because it wouldn’t have been because of the homeruns. I’m not going to name basketball players (OT, AM, KW are initials for you to guess on) because not enough has become public in that sport, but the entertainment level is definitely raised by drugs. Anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So I say, Juice ‘em Up, Coke ‘em Up, Get ‘em the hell out onto the field and let them injure someone!

p.s. – these thoughts do not necessarily reflect the views of the author, and are portrayed here simply to provide a theoretical argument for debate, so feel free to comment…